That question isn't even really rhetorical because I already know the answer.
Since my last post, I sort of let go of IF for a while (still trying every month) to focus on pre-hursing. Honestly, it's been a wonderful distraction. Though, around ovulation and at the end of my cycle those depressed feelings creep back up on me. The sadness and fear that I'll never be able to conceive, or die a young death never achieving motherhood. I try to stomp them with thinking I'll be a nurse practitioner and money will make up for that..or the ridiculous, it can happen thoughts. I also think about how I'm failing to give my grandmother a grandchild, or my in-laws (who have plenty of grandchildren) one to add to their collage.
Why don't I stop or take a break? That won't get me a baby either. And for every month I took a break, I wonder if I would have conceived that month. It's this horrible ride that I have to stay on. I've been on it for almost 3 years. Maybe in that time we could've saved up half for IVF. Then again maybe not, since we're going to need to replace his truck. The older I get the more I feel I'm never going to be a mother. It slips further and further away. I can't close my eyes and see myself as a mother, not even one child. He/She/They don't visit me in my dreams and assure me we're going to meet one day, not to fret.
This LTTC journey is so painful, tiring, and devastating. I wish it would end.
