Back in the same boat for the fourth time now? I'm really starting to lose count. Period was due the 26th and hasn't showed yet. Took a test today and of course it reads negative. I don't even know why I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to buy a test. Not only did I waste $ but I also wasted a coupon. Only bonus is that 3 tests came in the box.
I am so getting mind fucked again. Who am I kidding, I know my period is late due to stress. If only I could stop fighting with my fucking husband and try to relax maybe then I'll get pregnant. Or maybe I just need to divorce him and move on. Sometimes I feel like it's just not meant to be with him.
This is really annoying waiting for this period. It's stressing me out, because I feel like this potentially could be it. Then again, I've got so many factors fighting against me, I know I've lost once again this month.
Maybe I should just throw in the towel and give up my dreams of having a baby. I get zero support from my husband...when it's his fault we can't conceive anyway. He should be helping and supporting me thru this difficult time, instead of me bottling it inside and silently suffering. Not to mention getting even more depressed as the months wear on.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm completely convinced
Even if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, then it would be ruined with the stress I'm under.
I was upset last night after logging onto FB yet again, and seeing another bitch post they're having a baby. 16 pregnant bitches I know now. Completely ridiculous. Anyways, I just lost it and started crying. I'm just convinced it's not going to happen and I can't see myself being a mother. Of course my husband doesn't offer me any comfort (physical or emotional)..I even asked for it 3 times. He just sat there repeating he doesn't know what to say to me anymore. Then give me physical comfort! We fucking talked bout this twice now! How long does it take to sink in??? So I got pissed then told him, I didn't want it anymore. Got dressed and made some nasty comment about how he couldn't get me pregnant and left. Long story short, we got into it really bad. And now I WANT to go home. I'm seriously about to lose my mind.
He thinks it's hard to hear about his sperm, how the fuck does he think I feel? I want a baby so badly I'd do ANYTHING to get pregnant..he just shrugs his fucking shoulders. I also feel that since the issue lies with him, that he needs to be a lot more fucking supportive and comforting than he has been!!!
Honestly, if I would have known about that SA then I wouldn't have chose the Army life with him. It makes it that much harder. Then I think of how we can't get along and feel that it's really not worth it anymore. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant because I made a mistake in marrying him? I don't know anymore. I feel like by staying I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Then again, I think who is going to want me after I get divorced? No one, so I feel stuck.
I was upset last night after logging onto FB yet again, and seeing another bitch post they're having a baby. 16 pregnant bitches I know now. Completely ridiculous. Anyways, I just lost it and started crying. I'm just convinced it's not going to happen and I can't see myself being a mother. Of course my husband doesn't offer me any comfort (physical or emotional)..I even asked for it 3 times. He just sat there repeating he doesn't know what to say to me anymore. Then give me physical comfort! We fucking talked bout this twice now! How long does it take to sink in??? So I got pissed then told him, I didn't want it anymore. Got dressed and made some nasty comment about how he couldn't get me pregnant and left. Long story short, we got into it really bad. And now I WANT to go home. I'm seriously about to lose my mind.
He thinks it's hard to hear about his sperm, how the fuck does he think I feel? I want a baby so badly I'd do ANYTHING to get pregnant..he just shrugs his fucking shoulders. I also feel that since the issue lies with him, that he needs to be a lot more fucking supportive and comforting than he has been!!!
Honestly, if I would have known about that SA then I wouldn't have chose the Army life with him. It makes it that much harder. Then I think of how we can't get along and feel that it's really not worth it anymore. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant because I made a mistake in marrying him? I don't know anymore. I feel like by staying I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Then again, I think who is going to want me after I get divorced? No one, so I feel stuck.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Can't Get it Off My Mind
As I'm sure I've said before, I wish I could stop thinking about babies! It's so annoying laying in bed awake at night just thinking about a pregnancy and wishing I could get pregnant soon. Ugh.
Every time I go out, there's at least one pregnant person everywhere I go. I guess people have nothing better to do and have never heard of birth control. I keep thinking about Sarah's pregnancy..and hating her even more. I just feel like she took my turn. But life isn't fair, and in no way are they financially able to support another child. We are!!!!!
Well the whole dental assistant and hygienist fell thru. So I'm back to looking at nursing, and I won't be able to get into any of the programs this fall. I will have to wait to apply next year. But next year, he'll be back home and I want a baby. If I have to choose between a baby and school, I'll hands down choose to have a child. I don't want to apply to nursing programs around STL and be stuck there when he'll be back in Ft. Leonardwood. That's not going to happen. It would be perfect if I could conceive before he deploys, then that way I can still do schooling when he comes back. Even if it meant living 2 hours away from him. But if I had good luck then there would be no problem, seeing as I don't, I'm pretty much fucked.
It really sucks being a woman.
Every time I go out, there's at least one pregnant person everywhere I go. I guess people have nothing better to do and have never heard of birth control. I keep thinking about Sarah's pregnancy..and hating her even more. I just feel like she took my turn. But life isn't fair, and in no way are they financially able to support another child. We are!!!!!
Well the whole dental assistant and hygienist fell thru. So I'm back to looking at nursing, and I won't be able to get into any of the programs this fall. I will have to wait to apply next year. But next year, he'll be back home and I want a baby. If I have to choose between a baby and school, I'll hands down choose to have a child. I don't want to apply to nursing programs around STL and be stuck there when he'll be back in Ft. Leonardwood. That's not going to happen. It would be perfect if I could conceive before he deploys, then that way I can still do schooling when he comes back. Even if it meant living 2 hours away from him. But if I had good luck then there would be no problem, seeing as I don't, I'm pretty much fucked.
It really sucks being a woman.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Period, what else?
Of course I didn't miss my period. As I near these last 3 cycles, I already know it's not going to happen..So what's the point of trying, or wasting $ on OPKs? Not going to able to conceive a baby this year. As the months go on, how can I have faith? I don't anymore. I HATE TTC!!!! I really don't want to take a break from it, but I don't have a choice.
I believe I've seen a pregnant bump everyday this week. I need to stay inside so I won't be exposed to that crap. Everyday on Fertilebook, there's a new ultrasound profile pic. MAKE IT STOP!!! Or at least give me my pregnancy!!! Well, IUI or IVF is in my near future. I'm still going to go thru with it. I can't go another 2 years feeling this way. I'm going to end up locked away in the nut ward if I do.
Maybe this will be my month. Please let this be my month.
I believe I've seen a pregnant bump everyday this week. I need to stay inside so I won't be exposed to that crap. Everyday on Fertilebook, there's a new ultrasound profile pic. MAKE IT STOP!!! Or at least give me my pregnancy!!! Well, IUI or IVF is in my near future. I'm still going to go thru with it. I can't go another 2 years feeling this way. I'm going to end up locked away in the nut ward if I do.
Maybe this will be my month. Please let this be my month.
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