There's an Elephant in the Room

Earlier in the week my friend Cindy wanted to have a girl's night this Saturday with me and a few other women. Of those women happened to be a pregnant one that has smoked all throughout her pregnancy. I fucking HATE women who take their pregnancy for granted. Especially those that jeopardize their baby's health. Stupid bitch. Well I expressed to Cindy to count me out since I would be uncomfortable around the pregnant one. Ten to one should would probably bitch about her pregnancy and I would say something then it turns into drama. Best to opt out now.

Cindy got a little frustrated with me, and told me there's not many women who would still stay friends with me since I let this pregnancy get to me. Which surprised me because Cindy has PCOS..so if anything she knows about infertility. Only reason it doesn't bother her is because she's already mentally convinced herself she can't have a baby and isn't trying. She doesn't want a baby as badly as I do.

Anyways, we seemed to have smoothed it out, and she just decided not to have anything. Then I get a text this morning to come over at 7pm for pizza, beers, and girl fun. Didn't mention if the pregnant one was coming; I figured she wasn't due to the alcohol. But if the bitch smokes, why not drink too?

So I went to dinner with my hubby and came back close to 7 and noticed a silver sedan parked behind Cindy's SUV. The other girl that was supposed to come drives a SUV. I think this was the pregnant bitch. My husband leaves to go get a shake and notices a blonde smoking with one hand on her back. He said she wasn't slim and could have been pregnant. Cindy failed to tell me the pregnant one was coming. As a result, I didn't go over there at all.

I know I can't avoid procreation but I don't feel like seeing it more than I have to. I'm also annoyed with Cindy asking me to come over when she knew the pregnant one was going. As my friend shouldn't put me in situations where it makes me uncomfortable and upset. She should be sensitive to my feelings. I'm doing what's best for me, if she can't understand that, then that's not my problem.

Haven't talked to Cindy, so we'll see what happens in the next few days. I texted her back when I missed her call around 5pm so it's her move.

Uh I don't need this annoyance before my period starts...So for now I believe I'm going to give our friendship some distance.

On a positive note, we can finally take a small step forward in this TTC saga. My husband got referred to a urologist and we're just waiting on Tri Care to call. I pray that they can give us a solution to our issue.

I want to go home

Of course my period came. I already know deep down inside that it's not going to happen with him. It hurts, because I want us to work..but we aren't. He's just not husband material. Instead he tells me that I need to change!!! I'm trying to work on not blowing up at him, but it's hard when he's not trying to fucking spend time with me.

I have to bitch and ask him to spend time with me. It's such bullshit. I've had enough, I'm not getting what I need from this marriage. He doesn't get it because he's too hard headed to understand. I give and give then he just takes. It's so gosh damn one-sided. I can't take anymore of this, I'm going to crack.

To be honest, I don't care if he mails me divorce papers. I've tried but there's nothing more that I can do. Maybe I just need to stop and watch it end. I'll just go ahead and admit defeat now. I have failed at life, no one is going to want me now. I have nothing going for me...