Stupid, stupid, stupid

So stupid for thinking I could be pregnant this month. My fault for convincing myself with symptom spotting. It's not fair that when I get my period, someone else gets pregnant. Right now, it's popular to be knocked up with your 2nd. Too bad I don't have 1.

I'm seriously depressed..I have hardly anyone to turn to. Can't even talk to my husband about the baby thing because we'll argue about it. I still secretly blame him for us not getting pregnant. Really can't stop resenting him. There's no one around here to relate to because they all have children. The only friend I have is leaving in 2 weeks..so it's going to be really lonely.

My husband made this stupid financial mistake and we're screwed financially until the 14th of October. However, these are mistakes that he keeps making over and over. Today, I just blew up on him. I'm so overwhelmed this is happening and I just don't need this right now. I'm already depressed and upset enough that I can't get pregnant. Let's add financial issues we shouldn't be having to the mix. It will be a complete miracle that I ovulate this month! My hair is already falling out enough..I just can't take this right now.

It sucks that every time I try to take a step forward, make an effort to be happy that something or many of things come along and fuck that up. I feel like I can't ever move forward. Instead, I'm stuck spinning my wheels in this rut, continuing to be unhappy because I can't accomplish anything no matter how hard I try. Might as well give up on trying. What's the point? It's not like it's going to miraculously get me somewhere one day.

Maybe a BFP but unlikely..

So my other symptom would be diarrhea. I have no idea why I'm spotting symptoms when it's completely pointless. I want this to be my time but I doubt it.

Producing Breast Milk??!

Ok so I've never, ever produced breast milk before and I squeezed my nips to see if there was anything and there was some little yellowish bubbles. Ahhhhh!!!! It's not a common symptom of pregnancy but pregnant women can start producing milk whenever the pregnancy has been confirmed.

Well I took a pregnancy test today, expecting to see a positive, it was negative!!! Ughhhh. I don't understand. Then I looked online and it could be a tumor on my pituitary gland that's making me produce milk. That can be removed through surgery or with medication. Just wonderful. I hope to God it's not that and finally what I have been longing for. My period has to come Monday, so I'm going to wait and test again. Maybe I tested too early or my urine was too diluted, because I have been drinking a lot more water.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let this be it. I've had enough of my body playing tricks on me.

Seriously, another announcement?

My husband's friend had to tell my husband over the phone that his wife of 3 months is pregnant with his second child. They're all of 20 and he can hardly afford to pay for the first one. Absolutely ridiculous. It's always the ones who can't afford a baby who can pregnant within the drop of a hat. Just maddening. Then he texts my husband to tell him that the celebration of his child being on the way starts at 9. Ugh, no thank you. I'm not going over to celebrate your child, when I don't give a shit about your pregnancy. You two don't even need a child. No, my husband isn't going over there to celebrate this "exciting" news either. That's not fair to me. 

This bullshit news puts a damper on my day and causes arguments between my husband. I get reminded about our failure to conceive and get depressed all over again. Then how my husband fails to support me emotionally thru this difficult time. Maybe it will get better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out this month. My face can't take anymore breakouts and I need to conceive in the very near future. 

I'm afraid that I'm going to have a huge mental breakdown if it doesn't happen. I know I will. 

The one thing I want so badly, everyone else just keeps on getting

Of course another one of my husband's friends calls him to tell him his new wife is pregnant. Just married, plenty of bills, wife doesn't have a job, and already has to pay for another child...of course they're fertile myrtles.

My husband just left because we got into an argument about him taking his multivitamins. He doesn't want to take them because they're too big and he's already taking enough pills. He fucking takes 2 other pills daily. Big fucking deal??? If he didn't have a problem with his damn sperm then he wouldn't have to take them. It's just him being stubborn and trying to resist me. He says he doesn't have a choice in the matter of what I make him take. I'm not giving him arsenic for fucks sake! It's that simple, if he wants a child then he will shut the hell up about taking the vitamins and continue to ingest them. Instead of supporting me in this delicate matter, he has to act like a fucking ignorant hard headed dick and put up a fight. Why do I even try in this marriage? Why do I even try to get pregnant? It just gets me no where. We were doing so good until he had to go bitching about it.

I want a baby incredibly badly. It hurts every month that goes by and I'm empty handed. It hurts every time I hear another pregnancy announcement. Or every time I see a pregnant woman. I just want to make this pain and suffering go away...this doesn't help in me trying to be non-stressed around ovulation. It's like I'm just fucked either way and should give up now. Not like I'm getting ahead.