It happened. I've missed a period. Now you're thinking, this might be it! I thought so too. 3 negative pregnancy test, a negative blood test, and still no period later I am not pregnant. My body fucking hates my guts. At first I was rather thrilled, but still tried my damndest to not get my hopes up. Didn't work. Of course I was already browsing maternity wear and pissing on a pee stick like pregnancy was going out of style. Today I went to get my blood work and they confirmed what the tests said(hoping they were false).
With all this negativity how is one expected to stay positive? I put in positivity and get back negativity! Complete and utter bs. "It will happen when it happens", "It's not your time yet (no shit!)", "When you stop trying it will happen", or "God works in mysterious ways". Yeah well I've tried, then I've given up on trying and it still hasn't happened. I'm beginning to think God thinks I'd make a crap mother, so that's why he's not making it happen for me.
Why am I not surprised? I have often gotten the shitty end of the stick in life. Not finished with school, engaged to a freaking pathological liar who turned my life upside down, $ troubles, got married to a man who can't give me a child naturally, the list goes on, etc. I have officially decided that I'm done trying for a child. It's just not happening naturally and frankly I can't take any more of the emotional despair that goes with it. Looks like I'm waiting till we get the $ for IVF in a year..and in the mean time focusing on school and a career. FUCK IT!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm starting to not care.
It's rather sad I've gotten to this point of not caring. I mean what more can I do? I'm not necessarily giving up all together but almost. Often, I feel like this dream of mine is unachievable. At least right now. The more I want it, the more I end up with big fat negatives and bloody tampons. So maybe I'm changing tactics and am just like whatever all together. See if that works. I still have that broodiness of wanting to be a mother, that will NEVER go away; I'm just trying to put it on hold right now.
I also have gotten a babysitting gig, Mon, Wed, and Fri for about 7-8 hours during the day. It is rather challenging since the baby is 8 months and teething. He fights me on baby food, sometimes bottles, and taking a nap. These last 3 days with him have been a nightmare, I find myself questioning wanting a baby. Then again, I hear it's different when it's your own. And I also don't know what it's like to be a mother. Hopefully, it will get easier. In a way, I think he is satisfying my want.
Maybe if I take away the stress and so much emphasis on trying that it will happen naturally. Then again, this babysitting gig is stressing me out, so maybe not. I think I'll give it another week, and if things don't get better..then I'm going to give it up. I don't need an added stress when I'm trying to eliminate one.
I also have gotten a babysitting gig, Mon, Wed, and Fri for about 7-8 hours during the day. It is rather challenging since the baby is 8 months and teething. He fights me on baby food, sometimes bottles, and taking a nap. These last 3 days with him have been a nightmare, I find myself questioning wanting a baby. Then again, I hear it's different when it's your own. And I also don't know what it's like to be a mother. Hopefully, it will get easier. In a way, I think he is satisfying my want.
Maybe if I take away the stress and so much emphasis on trying that it will happen naturally. Then again, this babysitting gig is stressing me out, so maybe not. I think I'll give it another week, and if things don't get better..then I'm going to give it up. I don't need an added stress when I'm trying to eliminate one.
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