My period came. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm if you couldn't already tell). I was actually upset over it. Seriously, I don't know where this sliver of hope comes from..it should be slowly dwindling down. I don't even know why I try.
As each cycle passes me up with a rosy coming each time, I accept more and more that this isn't going to happen naturally. Really after being disappointed for a year now, how can I be positive? With the results from his sperm test explaining why it hasn't happened, how can I still have hope it will happen naturally? How much longer can I keep on hurting myself month after month?
If I don't try then I feel like I'm failing myself..even when I do try, I feel awful and even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Then I try not to care about it, but that doesn't work either! I just can't win. There's really nothing positive about this trying to conceive crap. It's like I'm being punished by marrying a man who has an issue with his sperm. I mean he's gotten 2 girls pregnant before(one aborted it, the other miscarried), plus he comes from a fertile myrtle family, so why can't he get me pregnant???
I hate this, I really do.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Here I am again in this never ending cycle!
Where am I at in my current situation? Well I've come to terms with IVF may be the answer, my husband is slowly coming around. For the time being I have kind of given up on trying, a little sick of being disappointed but more or less not trying as hard. I didn't even buy ovulation tests for this last time.
My husband isn't deploying in March, we now are bought a little more 2-3 more months. I'm taking this as some sort of sign that positivity(pregnancy) is going to come our way. Trying to relax and take the pressure off as much as I can. With all that being said, today is the 29th day of my cycle meaning my period is supposed to start tomorrow. Lately my period has been coming at least 2-3 earlier. Pregnancy signs include really heavy breasts, even sensitive nipples, and some nausea. I'm not over thinking my body this time either. So again I'm in the situation like I've been in so many times before, hoping that this time will be it. Maybe this time it will take. I hate how I get my hopes up but I can't help it. Come on, it's got to be it this time.
My husband isn't deploying in March, we now are bought a little more 2-3 more months. I'm taking this as some sort of sign that positivity(pregnancy) is going to come our way. Trying to relax and take the pressure off as much as I can. With all that being said, today is the 29th day of my cycle meaning my period is supposed to start tomorrow. Lately my period has been coming at least 2-3 earlier. Pregnancy signs include really heavy breasts, even sensitive nipples, and some nausea. I'm not over thinking my body this time either. So again I'm in the situation like I've been in so many times before, hoping that this time will be it. Maybe this time it will take. I hate how I get my hopes up but I can't help it. Come on, it's got to be it this time.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Controversies of IVF
I wish that we could conceive naturally..but due to his low motility and count the chances of it happening are vey low. Being in the military, him wanting to get out in 4 years..we don't exactly have a lot of time. Not to mention he's 31, at 35 the sperm quantity starts declining. He doesn't have that much to begin with 7.5 million.
So now we're faced with opposing sides on IVF. I wish to do whatever it takes, he doesn't want IVF because it's not natural. Well if we can't conceive naturally then we really don't have a choice, if that is what it takes to get a pregnancy. Honestly, I don't want to have to go through this either. We're having the hardest time compromising on this situation. He says fine we'll go with it, but he complains about how expensive it is. The shit isn't going to be cheap, and it's not guaranteed to work. That's why I'm looking into the places that have a money back guarantee if it doesn't work. Or I'm considering donating eggs to help the cost too. He says that it couldn't hurt for me to get retested. Why would I get retested when my tests panned out just fine? If anything he should be getting retested because he was the one that didn't add up! Also, he wants to try for 6 more months when he comes back from Afghanistan. We've already tried for a year, not to mention I'm going to have to go a whole year struggling to cope with the fact that I'm not yet pregnant. The time to cut off trying naturally is coming soon, I'm NOT going to wait till the last minute to try to conceive. I won't.
This shouldn't be an argument but it is. I wish that he would be 100% supportive, and be there for me. Instead he has to be stubborn, hardheaded and feed me his negative opinions, or bitch about it. He says since I don't want to hear his opinions then he's done talking about it, and I shouldn't expect him to support me like I want. WTF? That's not 100% supporting me then. If he causes me this much stress and hurt when I undergo IVF then it won't take. Then he'll really be bitching about money going down the drain.
I know it sounds selfish but I feel like I should be the one to call the shots..seeing as I'm more responsible and motivated than him. Not to mention I'm the one who wants this more than anything, plus it will be a part of me. He is too optimistic, saying it will happen when it's meant to happen. If I let him take the reins then I'll be 35 by the time I have my first child or not have any at all.
I don't know, this whole situation just seems to get worse and worse. How far can I go emotionally and mentally in this dream? I often feel like I'm by myself in this.
So now we're faced with opposing sides on IVF. I wish to do whatever it takes, he doesn't want IVF because it's not natural. Well if we can't conceive naturally then we really don't have a choice, if that is what it takes to get a pregnancy. Honestly, I don't want to have to go through this either. We're having the hardest time compromising on this situation. He says fine we'll go with it, but he complains about how expensive it is. The shit isn't going to be cheap, and it's not guaranteed to work. That's why I'm looking into the places that have a money back guarantee if it doesn't work. Or I'm considering donating eggs to help the cost too. He says that it couldn't hurt for me to get retested. Why would I get retested when my tests panned out just fine? If anything he should be getting retested because he was the one that didn't add up! Also, he wants to try for 6 more months when he comes back from Afghanistan. We've already tried for a year, not to mention I'm going to have to go a whole year struggling to cope with the fact that I'm not yet pregnant. The time to cut off trying naturally is coming soon, I'm NOT going to wait till the last minute to try to conceive. I won't.
This shouldn't be an argument but it is. I wish that he would be 100% supportive, and be there for me. Instead he has to be stubborn, hardheaded and feed me his negative opinions, or bitch about it. He says since I don't want to hear his opinions then he's done talking about it, and I shouldn't expect him to support me like I want. WTF? That's not 100% supporting me then. If he causes me this much stress and hurt when I undergo IVF then it won't take. Then he'll really be bitching about money going down the drain.
I know it sounds selfish but I feel like I should be the one to call the shots..seeing as I'm more responsible and motivated than him. Not to mention I'm the one who wants this more than anything, plus it will be a part of me. He is too optimistic, saying it will happen when it's meant to happen. If I let him take the reins then I'll be 35 by the time I have my first child or not have any at all.
I don't know, this whole situation just seems to get worse and worse. How far can I go emotionally and mentally in this dream? I often feel like I'm by myself in this.
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