Dreading the Holidays

These upcoming holidays are so family-baby oriented. Thanksgiving is all about family, Christmas is about Jesus's birthday, and small children ripping open gifts. It's all too much, really. Last year, I was hoping to get my birthday or Christmas wish of being pregnant with our baby. This year, I'm pathetically asking for the same thing. I was planning on being a mother already!!! Everyone else gets to be a mother, why not me?

Thank god, I managed to persuade my husband to stay home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to face babies or a particular bump. Maybe I can put my mind at ease and we'll conceive this month. I'm trying hard to be positive, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere yet.

Christmas on the other hand, I'm dreading..I don't want to go to his parent's house and be faced with babies and possibly the bump I'm avoiding. Only because it will take everything I got in me, not to strangle the shit out of Sarah. That bitch will get hers.

Anyways, I'm going to spend most of my time hiding out at my mom's where it's baby free. Until she starts drinking and getting on her soapbox about being a grandmother. Yeah, I got it. I'm trying the very best I can, but there's nothing more I can do about it. Unless you or dad want to pay for my IVF.

It's also going to suck, because my husband will be wanting to spend time at his parent's so I doubt I'll get to see him all that much since I refuse to go over there when Sarah's there. Hopefully, they stay down there. I don't want to face them, I'm already going thru enough.

I just hope I can have my BFP this month..it would be nice to get pregnant before I turn 27.

This isn't getting any easier!

I join this forum that's basically a support group for women LTTC and it's basically another Facebook. Really can't help but be a teensy bit jealous that these women are all conceiving or able to pay for infertility treatments while I'm stuck trying naturally. More or less, I'm going to delete my profile soon and just isolate myself virtually and physically from the world.

It sucks that I can't move forward and get IVF or conceive a baby. Every period hurts, the longer I go in this journey the more that it hurts. My heart aches during this struggle. What am I being punished for? I haven't done anything..I try so hard to be a good person and a better wife. What did I do to deserve this? I can't handle infertility anymore. I'm trying and trying but it's just not working. As of right now there's no putting an end to this, but I can't stop trying naturally. Everyone else who's gotten pregnant has told me not to give up. Well what do you do when you want to give up because the pain is just too much to endure any longer? Then do you get pregnant?

I wish I could do something about this, but obviously it's out of my control. Too bad, there's not a magic wand I can wave so I can get pregnant. Struggling to conceive a baby is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that when I finally do get pregnant I'm not going to be able to enjoy it, out of fear of miscarriage.

I'd give ANYTHING, do ANYTHING to be able to see those 2 pink lines.

I'm a good person and I'd be a wonderful mother. Not like the woman who strangled her baby and dumped him in the trash, or a mother who murders her baby then lies to the police about the baby missing. Those monsters don't deserve to call themselves mothers.

Things are changing, and it's not just the season!

We're moving come Feb to another base!! Thank goodness, we get to get out of this hell hole we're in now. Let me just say it's equivalent to Ft. Polk. I'm glad because not only will there be school opportunities but job opps as well, and more activities to do than go shopping at Wal-Mart!

On a depressing note, I'm still struggling to conceive our child. The fact that I'm approaching the 2 year mark is utterly depressing. I don't want to make it to that milestone. Please let me conceive a baby in the next 2 months, I don't want to hate 2011.

Not looking forward to the holidays, because I'm not going to be around Sara and her stupid bump..thus causing tension in the family. Oh well, she should have thought about that before she acted like an immature bitch. I plan to make our own Thanksgiving then I guess go home for Christmas for a few days, since he needs to save his leave for when we move.

Also, dreading the new wave of pregnant women cropping up this fall/winter. I most likely won't be included this round either.

Surprisingly, a friend of mine is finally pregnant with her first thru IVF and after 3 losses. I'm truly happy for her, but I can't help but be a teensy but jealous. Those who have experienced losses, at least know that they can get pregnant. Most of them end up shortly conceiving again after their loss. Whereas I have never ever experienced a positive pregnancy test, so I have no clue if I will ever get pregnant.

I want to give up on this heart-aching journey, but I can't.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

So stupid for thinking I could be pregnant this month. My fault for convincing myself with symptom spotting. It's not fair that when I get my period, someone else gets pregnant. Right now, it's popular to be knocked up with your 2nd. Too bad I don't have 1.

I'm seriously depressed..I have hardly anyone to turn to. Can't even talk to my husband about the baby thing because we'll argue about it. I still secretly blame him for us not getting pregnant. Really can't stop resenting him. There's no one around here to relate to because they all have children. The only friend I have is leaving in 2 weeks..so it's going to be really lonely.

My husband made this stupid financial mistake and we're screwed financially until the 14th of October. However, these are mistakes that he keeps making over and over. Today, I just blew up on him. I'm so overwhelmed this is happening and I just don't need this right now. I'm already depressed and upset enough that I can't get pregnant. Let's add financial issues we shouldn't be having to the mix. It will be a complete miracle that I ovulate this month! My hair is already falling out enough..I just can't take this right now.

It sucks that every time I try to take a step forward, make an effort to be happy that something or many of things come along and fuck that up. I feel like I can't ever move forward. Instead, I'm stuck spinning my wheels in this rut, continuing to be unhappy because I can't accomplish anything no matter how hard I try. Might as well give up on trying. What's the point? It's not like it's going to miraculously get me somewhere one day.

Maybe a BFP but unlikely..

So my other symptom would be diarrhea. I have no idea why I'm spotting symptoms when it's completely pointless. I want this to be my time but I doubt it.

Producing Breast Milk??!

Ok so I've never, ever produced breast milk before and I squeezed my nips to see if there was anything and there was some little yellowish bubbles. Ahhhhh!!!! It's not a common symptom of pregnancy but pregnant women can start producing milk whenever the pregnancy has been confirmed.

Well I took a pregnancy test today, expecting to see a positive, it was negative!!! Ughhhh. I don't understand. Then I looked online and it could be a tumor on my pituitary gland that's making me produce milk. That can be removed through surgery or with medication. Just wonderful. I hope to God it's not that and finally what I have been longing for. My period has to come Monday, so I'm going to wait and test again. Maybe I tested too early or my urine was too diluted, because I have been drinking a lot more water.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let this be it. I've had enough of my body playing tricks on me.

Seriously, another announcement?

My husband's friend had to tell my husband over the phone that his wife of 3 months is pregnant with his second child. They're all of 20 and he can hardly afford to pay for the first one. Absolutely ridiculous. It's always the ones who can't afford a baby who can pregnant within the drop of a hat. Just maddening. Then he texts my husband to tell him that the celebration of his child being on the way starts at 9. Ugh, no thank you. I'm not going over to celebrate your child, when I don't give a shit about your pregnancy. You two don't even need a child. No, my husband isn't going over there to celebrate this "exciting" news either. That's not fair to me. 

This bullshit news puts a damper on my day and causes arguments between my husband. I get reminded about our failure to conceive and get depressed all over again. Then how my husband fails to support me emotionally thru this difficult time. Maybe it will get better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out this month. My face can't take anymore breakouts and I need to conceive in the very near future. 

I'm afraid that I'm going to have a huge mental breakdown if it doesn't happen. I know I will.