Screw the rest of November!

Fuck the rest of this year for that matter! Caved and tested today, which I shouldn't have I already new it was going to be a BFN (big fucking negative). It's day 25 of my cycle so 4 more days to go until my period.

Fighting with my husband about his spending problem. The same problem we've been having since marriage. He just misuses the debit card, and I told him off. We're barely talking now. If he wants to fix the problem which will help our marriage, then you come to me and show me effort. I'm done trying to fix shit.  If it isn't fixed before out 2nd anniversary, then there won't be an anniversary. Finished playing around and tired of feeling this way.

Another 2 pregnancy announcements on FB, with people who have been married in way less amount of time than I have. People don't waste any time. Just pisses me off, because I should've already been pregnant and had a baby by now.

I HATE how infertility has taken over my life. I sleep, eat, and breathe it. I feel like if I try to act happy around people then I'm putting up this false front. Just tired of trying, feeling alone, and being unhappy.

I don't know if we're ever going to get on the same page and be in this together?

It's no secret that me and my husband aren't on the same page when it comes to this infertility. I'm wondering when he's going to wake up and smell the coffee.

My fears are that we're not going to have the money to pay for IVF (if he doesn't deploy) and that 2015 comes around he gets out of the army but can't get a job. Meanwhile, I'm still going to school full-time and working part-time..and we're still childless. I feel so depressed and down about this, I don't know what I'm going to be like in 3 years. The pain is already unbearable.

I know it sounds bad, but I don't want anything to happen to him either, but I want him to deploy so we can have the money to get IVF done. I'm sick of being stuck spinning my wheels and not being able to move forward in this painful journey. I just can't wait forever to have a baby...I can't keep on trying naturally for the next 3 years. I don't have that strength in me. We need to look into alternative options and go with it. If he doesn't want to, then I'm afraid it's going to come down to divorce. We HAVE to be on the same page and make the decision to go forward with this. Unfortunately, if he's not on board then we can no longer be married. Children are a deal breaker for me, and I want someone who will support me in the journey of achieving them.

This isn't how I envisioned my marriage. I've spent majority of these almost 2 years being unhappy because we're either fighting too much or being sad about not being able to conceive. I don't know if this marriage is a right fit anymore. I'm going to have to give it some time then make my decision..if things can't change (we keep on working on our marriage), and if we can't conceive a baby then there's no sense in staying married. Really, I don't want to wait too long and before it's too late.

Dreading the Holidays

These upcoming holidays are so family-baby oriented. Thanksgiving is all about family, Christmas is about Jesus's birthday, and small children ripping open gifts. It's all too much, really. Last year, I was hoping to get my birthday or Christmas wish of being pregnant with our baby. This year, I'm pathetically asking for the same thing. I was planning on being a mother already!!! Everyone else gets to be a mother, why not me?

Thank god, I managed to persuade my husband to stay home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to face babies or a particular bump. Maybe I can put my mind at ease and we'll conceive this month. I'm trying hard to be positive, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere yet.

Christmas on the other hand, I'm dreading..I don't want to go to his parent's house and be faced with babies and possibly the bump I'm avoiding. Only because it will take everything I got in me, not to strangle the shit out of Sarah. That bitch will get hers.

Anyways, I'm going to spend most of my time hiding out at my mom's where it's baby free. Until she starts drinking and getting on her soapbox about being a grandmother. Yeah, I got it. I'm trying the very best I can, but there's nothing more I can do about it. Unless you or dad want to pay for my IVF.

It's also going to suck, because my husband will be wanting to spend time at his parent's so I doubt I'll get to see him all that much since I refuse to go over there when Sarah's there. Hopefully, they stay down there. I don't want to face them, I'm already going thru enough.

I just hope I can have my BFP this month..it would be nice to get pregnant before I turn 27.

This isn't getting any easier!

I join this forum that's basically a support group for women LTTC and it's basically another Facebook. Really can't help but be a teensy bit jealous that these women are all conceiving or able to pay for infertility treatments while I'm stuck trying naturally. More or less, I'm going to delete my profile soon and just isolate myself virtually and physically from the world.

It sucks that I can't move forward and get IVF or conceive a baby. Every period hurts, the longer I go in this journey the more that it hurts. My heart aches during this struggle. What am I being punished for? I haven't done anything..I try so hard to be a good person and a better wife. What did I do to deserve this? I can't handle infertility anymore. I'm trying and trying but it's just not working. As of right now there's no putting an end to this, but I can't stop trying naturally. Everyone else who's gotten pregnant has told me not to give up. Well what do you do when you want to give up because the pain is just too much to endure any longer? Then do you get pregnant?

I wish I could do something about this, but obviously it's out of my control. Too bad, there's not a magic wand I can wave so I can get pregnant. Struggling to conceive a baby is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that when I finally do get pregnant I'm not going to be able to enjoy it, out of fear of miscarriage.

I'd give ANYTHING, do ANYTHING to be able to see those 2 pink lines.

I'm a good person and I'd be a wonderful mother. Not like the woman who strangled her baby and dumped him in the trash, or a mother who murders her baby then lies to the police about the baby missing. Those monsters don't deserve to call themselves mothers.

Things are changing, and it's not just the season!

We're moving come Feb to another base!! Thank goodness, we get to get out of this hell hole we're in now. Let me just say it's equivalent to Ft. Polk. I'm glad because not only will there be school opportunities but job opps as well, and more activities to do than go shopping at Wal-Mart!

On a depressing note, I'm still struggling to conceive our child. The fact that I'm approaching the 2 year mark is utterly depressing. I don't want to make it to that milestone. Please let me conceive a baby in the next 2 months, I don't want to hate 2011.

Not looking forward to the holidays, because I'm not going to be around Sara and her stupid bump..thus causing tension in the family. Oh well, she should have thought about that before she acted like an immature bitch. I plan to make our own Thanksgiving then I guess go home for Christmas for a few days, since he needs to save his leave for when we move.

Also, dreading the new wave of pregnant women cropping up this fall/winter. I most likely won't be included this round either.

Surprisingly, a friend of mine is finally pregnant with her first thru IVF and after 3 losses. I'm truly happy for her, but I can't help but be a teensy but jealous. Those who have experienced losses, at least know that they can get pregnant. Most of them end up shortly conceiving again after their loss. Whereas I have never ever experienced a positive pregnancy test, so I have no clue if I will ever get pregnant.

I want to give up on this heart-aching journey, but I can't.