Another rant about my husband and infertility(shocker!)

So I call my mother to talk about if I look good in the color red, then the convo steers to if I know a certain girl from school that of course is pregnant. I tell her I vaguely know her and deleted her from FB since she's pregnant. It's my FB, I can choose who I can keep and delete off my friend's list.

Then my lovely mother proceeds to tell me I need to get past it. Really, because you know what it's like to struggle with infertility? Please advise me, NOT! I got irritated and told her that because she didn't struggle with infertility she has no clue how hard it is to see those announcements. Then my ignorant husband chimes in (while I'm still on the phone) with that's what I've been saying. STFU! Rude, much? So I dismiss him since I'm still on the damn phone.

Finish the convo and get off the phone to tell my husband I don't need his fucking comments. Then he has the nerve to get pissy with me? Are you fucking kidding me???!! You're the one interrupting my fucking phone call!! You know jack shit about infertility other than what I tell you (I highly doubt you listen) and don't pay attention to me when I'm crying about infertility. He doesn't care that I am depressed and have anxiety over it. He's the least bit supportive!!!!

So we get into this screaming match..then he tells me my mother was trying to advise me. Why the fuck would I take advice from a woman who knows jack shit about infertility???!!

Pretty fucking pissed!

So help me

God if my husband pisses me off tomorrow and ruins my birthday then it's over. I want a divorce. With the infertility, this marriage isn't worth it anymore. He doesn't give a shit about how I feel or what I'm going thru. All he wants to do is be a stubborn ass and bitch, bitch. This marriage is hanging on by a strand of hair. Love isn't enough anymore. He's going to blow this marriage. Sad, I don't have faith in us staying together or getting pregnant.

So Angry

I'm just so mad at life, people around me, my husband, and myself sometimes. I just want to feel better instead of having mixed emotions all the time, that don't include happiness. I feel angry, depressed, anxious, annoyed, nauseated, overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, sad, pathetic, etc. It's so hard to be a Positive Patty when you can't help but be a Negative Nancy when all the negative outweighs the positive in your life. Trying to deal with infertility, stress, depression, anxiety, and attempting to be positive is a fucking full time job..not to mention overwhelming.

It's bad that I want to skip my birthday..I don't care to turn 27. More wrinkles, gray hairs, getting closer to 30, and still fucking CHILDLESS!!! Ughhh. How do I even make it day to day?

My SIL's husband is coming back from his deployment and will be back for 18 months, so it's only a matter of time before she's pregnant with her 2nd. As if the other one's pregnancy wasn't enough to deal with this year. Maybe I'll miraculously get pregnant naturally this next year. HA! Wishful thinking!

What I wouldn't give just to see those 2 lines!

I believe for the New Year, I'm just going to delete my Fertile Book. There's no need to have it any longer, it just make me feel even more pathetic.

 I saw that a girl with stinking cystic fibrosis is pregnant with a honeymoon baby. WTF? One of the effects of CF is infertility!! Not to mention her life expectancy is 37. I mean that's great she's living her dreams but what about when she dies and leaves her husband as a single parent? That's how bad it is, a girl with CF gets pregnant but me a healthy 26 year old gets jack shit. FML.

Since my period decided to be 8 fucking days late, I now can't get drunk on Christmas and maybe not even NYE. Unless, my period comes early or on NYE. Watch it be late and I get it days later, making me sober on NYE. Gotta love the irony in my life.

Despite all this ranting, I'm trying to remain hopeful that I can get a BFP this month. Wouldn't it be great to start off my new year with a pregnancy?? Gosh I would die for that..give anything to have that. I mean we're leaving this awful base next year, why can't I have a positive piss stick too? I'm so desperate.

I hope to God I'm not going to end up childless not by choice. If that happens then I'm just going to throw myself into my career, further my education to maybe even a doctorates and buy materialistic things to make up for that emptiness. I can't have children then I want $$ and lots of it. Not that it will make up for it in any way, but at least I can buy Louboutins, a Mercedes, travel all over the world, things people with children can't afford to do.

Well that's it for 26

My goal of getting pregnant when I hit 26 isn't going to happen. I got my period today, freaking 8 days later! This was the last shot I had at getting pregnant before 27..ughhhhh. So depressing. Maybe I'll finally get to be a mother at 27.

So I'm incredibly bitchy from my cramps and backaches. Not in the mood to move, let alone go to the grocery store. We have next to no food in the house..I asked my husband if he would get me some takeout and he started bitching he didn't feel like leaving, blah, blah. Then turns to ask me why I don't go. I remind him that I hurt from my period. He starts spouting off that's a poor excuse. WTF? You bleed from your dick for 5-7 days, plus backaches, bloating, cramps, and PMS then come talk to me! I got so pissed that I left the room before I tore into his ass making it worse. Then he comes downstairs with attitude asking me what I want. Really? You're going to give me attitude after you're acting like an insensitive ass. Finally, he left to go get me something.

He could be a bit more sensitive to the fact that I'm upset my period showed and I hurt!! But noooooo, I'm inconveniencing him by asking him to get off his fucking WoW and do something for me. Never mind the fact that I don't hesitate when I he asks me to do things. Selfish prick.

Anyways, back to infertility. I need to delete my Fertile Book, plan and simple. Only torturing myself by scouring my home page for the next announcement or ultrasound picture. Makes me even more depressed that I'm not yet pregnant. If I can even get pregnant naturally at all. All the days blend together and I just find myself waiting till the end of the month to get disappointed again. Today is Day 1 of yet another cycle. When will this end? :(