The one thing I want so badly, everyone else just keeps on getting

Of course another one of my husband's friends calls him to tell him his new wife is pregnant. Just married, plenty of bills, wife doesn't have a job, and already has to pay for another child...of course they're fertile myrtles.

My husband just left because we got into an argument about him taking his multivitamins. He doesn't want to take them because they're too big and he's already taking enough pills. He fucking takes 2 other pills daily. Big fucking deal??? If he didn't have a problem with his damn sperm then he wouldn't have to take them. It's just him being stubborn and trying to resist me. He says he doesn't have a choice in the matter of what I make him take. I'm not giving him arsenic for fucks sake! It's that simple, if he wants a child then he will shut the hell up about taking the vitamins and continue to ingest them. Instead of supporting me in this delicate matter, he has to act like a fucking ignorant hard headed dick and put up a fight. Why do I even try in this marriage? Why do I even try to get pregnant? It just gets me no where. We were doing so good until he had to go bitching about it.

I want a baby incredibly badly. It hurts every month that goes by and I'm empty handed. It hurts every time I hear another pregnancy announcement. Or every time I see a pregnant woman. I just want to make this pain and suffering go away...this doesn't help in me trying to be non-stressed around ovulation. It's like I'm just fucked either way and should give up now. Not like I'm getting ahead.

There's an Elephant in the Room

Earlier in the week my friend Cindy wanted to have a girl's night this Saturday with me and a few other women. Of those women happened to be a pregnant one that has smoked all throughout her pregnancy. I fucking HATE women who take their pregnancy for granted. Especially those that jeopardize their baby's health. Stupid bitch. Well I expressed to Cindy to count me out since I would be uncomfortable around the pregnant one. Ten to one should would probably bitch about her pregnancy and I would say something then it turns into drama. Best to opt out now.

Cindy got a little frustrated with me, and told me there's not many women who would still stay friends with me since I let this pregnancy get to me. Which surprised me because Cindy has PCOS..so if anything she knows about infertility. Only reason it doesn't bother her is because she's already mentally convinced herself she can't have a baby and isn't trying. She doesn't want a baby as badly as I do.

Anyways, we seemed to have smoothed it out, and she just decided not to have anything. Then I get a text this morning to come over at 7pm for pizza, beers, and girl fun. Didn't mention if the pregnant one was coming; I figured she wasn't due to the alcohol. But if the bitch smokes, why not drink too?

So I went to dinner with my hubby and came back close to 7 and noticed a silver sedan parked behind Cindy's SUV. The other girl that was supposed to come drives a SUV. I think this was the pregnant bitch. My husband leaves to go get a shake and notices a blonde smoking with one hand on her back. He said she wasn't slim and could have been pregnant. Cindy failed to tell me the pregnant one was coming. As a result, I didn't go over there at all.

I know I can't avoid procreation but I don't feel like seeing it more than I have to. I'm also annoyed with Cindy asking me to come over when she knew the pregnant one was going. As my friend shouldn't put me in situations where it makes me uncomfortable and upset. She should be sensitive to my feelings. I'm doing what's best for me, if she can't understand that, then that's not my problem.

Haven't talked to Cindy, so we'll see what happens in the next few days. I texted her back when I missed her call around 5pm so it's her move.

Uh I don't need this annoyance before my period starts...So for now I believe I'm going to give our friendship some distance.

On a positive note, we can finally take a small step forward in this TTC saga. My husband got referred to a urologist and we're just waiting on Tri Care to call. I pray that they can give us a solution to our issue.

I want to go home

Of course my period came. I already know deep down inside that it's not going to happen with him. It hurts, because I want us to work..but we aren't. He's just not husband material. Instead he tells me that I need to change!!! I'm trying to work on not blowing up at him, but it's hard when he's not trying to fucking spend time with me.

I have to bitch and ask him to spend time with me. It's such bullshit. I've had enough, I'm not getting what I need from this marriage. He doesn't get it because he's too hard headed to understand. I give and give then he just takes. It's so gosh damn one-sided. I can't take anymore of this, I'm going to crack.

To be honest, I don't care if he mails me divorce papers. I've tried but there's nothing more that I can do. Maybe I just need to stop and watch it end. I'll just go ahead and admit defeat now. I have failed at life, no one is going to want me now. I have nothing going for me...

Been Here Before

Back in the same boat for the fourth time now? I'm really starting to lose count. Period was due the 26th and hasn't showed yet. Took a test today and of course it reads negative. I don't even know why I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to buy a test. Not only did I waste $ but I also wasted a coupon. Only bonus is that 3 tests came in the box.

I am so getting mind fucked again. Who am I kidding, I know my period is late due to stress. If only I could stop fighting with my fucking husband and try to relax maybe then I'll get pregnant. Or maybe I just need to divorce him and move on. Sometimes I feel like it's just not meant to be with him.

This is really annoying waiting for this period. It's stressing me out, because I feel like this potentially could be it. Then again, I've got so many factors fighting against me, I know I've lost once again this month.

Maybe I should just throw in the towel and give up my dreams of having a baby. I get zero support from my husband...when it's his fault we can't conceive anyway. He should be helping and supporting me thru this difficult time, instead of me bottling it inside and silently suffering. Not to mention getting even more depressed as the months wear on.

I'm completely convinced

Even if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, then it would be ruined with the stress I'm under.

I was upset last night after logging onto FB yet again, and seeing another bitch post they're having a baby. 16 pregnant bitches I know now. Completely ridiculous. Anyways, I just lost it and started crying. I'm just convinced it's not going to happen and I can't see myself being a mother. Of course my husband doesn't offer me any comfort (physical or emotional)..I even asked for it 3 times. He just sat there repeating he doesn't know what to say to me anymore. Then give me physical comfort! We fucking talked bout this twice now! How long does it take to sink in??? So I got pissed then told him, I didn't want it anymore. Got dressed and made some nasty comment about how he couldn't get me pregnant and left. Long story short, we got into it really bad. And now I WANT to go home. I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

He thinks it's hard to hear about his sperm, how the fuck does he think I feel? I want a baby so badly I'd do ANYTHING to get pregnant..he just shrugs his fucking shoulders. I also feel that since the issue lies with him, that he needs to be a lot more fucking supportive and comforting than he has been!!!

Honestly, if I would have known about that SA then I wouldn't have chose the Army life with him. It makes it that much harder. Then I think of how we can't get along and feel that it's really not worth it anymore. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant because I made a mistake in marrying him? I don't know anymore. I feel like by staying I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Then again, I think who is going to want me after I get divorced? No one, so I feel stuck.

Can't Get it Off My Mind

As I'm sure I've said before, I wish I could stop thinking about babies! It's so annoying laying in bed awake at night just thinking about a pregnancy and wishing I could get pregnant soon. Ugh.

Every time I go out, there's at least one pregnant person everywhere I go. I guess people have nothing better to do and have never heard of birth control. I keep thinking about Sarah's pregnancy..and hating her even more. I just feel like she took my turn. But life isn't fair, and in no way are they financially able to support another child. We are!!!!!

Well the whole dental assistant and hygienist fell thru. So I'm back to looking at nursing, and I won't be able to get into any of the programs this fall. I will have to wait to apply next year. But next year, he'll be back home and I want a baby. If I have to choose between a baby and school, I'll hands down choose to have a child. I don't want to apply to nursing programs around STL and be stuck there when he'll be back in Ft. Leonardwood. That's not going to happen. It would be perfect if I could conceive before he deploys, then that way I can still do schooling when he comes back. Even if it meant living 2 hours away from him. But if I had good luck then there would be no problem, seeing as I don't, I'm pretty much fucked.

It really sucks being a woman.

Period, what else?

Of course I didn't miss my period. As I near these last 3 cycles, I already know it's not going to happen..So what's the point of trying, or wasting $ on OPKs? Not going to able to conceive a baby this year. As the months go on, how can I have faith? I don't anymore. I HATE TTC!!!! I really don't want to take a break from it, but I don't have a choice.

I believe I've seen a pregnant bump everyday this week. I need to stay inside so I won't be exposed to that crap. Everyday on Fertilebook, there's a new ultrasound profile pic. MAKE IT STOP!!! Or at least give me my pregnancy!!! Well, IUI or IVF is in my near future. I'm still going to go thru with it. I can't go another 2 years feeling this way. I'm going to end up locked away in the nut ward if I do.

Maybe this will be my month. Please let this be my month.