I hate trying to conceive, it has taken over my whole train of thought. If you would have asked me when I was 22 and in college if I wanted kids, I would have laughed in your face. Now, at 26 it's all I can think about! Staring a baby bumps in the supermarket, seeing a brand new baby swaddled in it's car seat, trying to pass along ultrasound pictures of yet another girl I know that is pregnant, it's like I can't escape it!
Went to go get my fertility tested the 2nd, and I have yet to hear back from my weirdo gyno with my test results. I think I'm gonna call Monday to see what the hold up is. Of course when I went in and saw him he was like well you haven't been trying for 12 months speech. However, he did give me tips on the basal thermometer, and about my cycle. I'm supposed to go back Feb and he's going to start me on Clomid. I'm pretty excited about that, seems to be the ultimate pregnancy booster.
Yesterday, a friend of mine found out after 3 years of wanting a baby and sort of trying she's finally pregnant. Now, I am happy for her but at the same time I'm sad that it's not my time yet. I couldn't help but cry last night in bed after I found out the news. I honestly wish that I didn't have this mad, ticking biological time clock. Anyone know of a way to smash it?
Some days are better than others, I can put that wanting to be a mommy feeling in the back of mind and go on about my day. Then there's days like today of where I can't stop those tears from flowing. I wish my husband could be more understanding and comforting. But those words, "It will happens when it happens" are not what I want to hear and offer me zero solace. However, I don't expect him to understand my burning desire to be a mother, I don't even understand it half the time..Don't know where it stems from and I often think I belong in the looney bin. Online pregnancy and medical sites say it's normal to feel this way. I'd like that name and number of the doctor who says this, and would like to seem some factual statistics.
Tomorrow, I have to go to my niece and nephew's 1st birthday party which I don't know how I'm going to throw on a happy face and try to bear it. Don't get me wrong, I love my niece and nephew very much but being around them is very difficult at times. Makes me feel like I'll always be an aunt, never a mother.
So 7 more days to go, trying my best not to get my hopes up. (last month my period was 5 days late then finally showed up on Thanksgiving day) But, I can't help it since I know that I've done everything right this month. Everything from the basal temp thermometers, to a positive ovulation test, to drinking tons of water, and my husband not being able to go to Ft. Campbell for training around my ovulation time. It's got to be some sort of sign, right?
I have had a bit or pre-pregnancy symptoms such as abdominal pains, extremely painful cramps one day, little bloating (but I always bloat a week in advance), side pains, lower back aches, nausea, aware of smells, breast tenderness, and acne. However, I can't tell if it's all in my head at times or it's related to my up and coming menstrual cycle. I just want to say fuck it, and go out and get completely shit faced to make myself feel a little bitter. On the other hand, that will get me no where but a hangover the next day..then I think if I am indeed expecting this time, I don't want any vices hindering my pregnancy.
I need a Christmas miracle.
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