It's just NOT in my cards..

Of course my period comes, shocker! But then I just got the news that my sister-in-law is expecting. Greaatttt. Couldn't have waited till I got pregnant?? But they say it was unplanned. She still could have gotten on birth control, just because you don't ovulate every month doesn't mean you're fucking sterile. I'm just so glad that God can bless them 3 times, but nothing for me. Thank you.

I know it's not her fault but I'm hurt and upset...it's going to be another thorn in my side seeing another bump especially around the holidays. (She's due in Jan) Not only will my husband be deployed again, but I'm surely not going to be pregnant by then...Instead we'll be saving for IVF. I'm not going to able to be around her for the holidays. Watch my other sister-in-law get knocked up when her husband comes back from deployment. Then it will be 3, 2, and me still with 0.

Maybe I should just save myself the agony and get my tubes tied. Go ahead and be one of those, career oriented women..making tons of $ to replace the fact that I'm not able to achieve motherhood.

Getting closer to another period.

It's due Saturday at the latest, but my period has been so off there's no telling when it will come. Since when am I irregular? My body just hates my guts. It will probably come Sat or be late, and fuck with my mind once again. I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant.

Only have a total of 3 pregnant friends on my FB, plan to keep it that way. There's one about to pop and the other doesn't update every day about kicking, or her cravings so I'm thankful for that. The other, I feel bad for because she was like me desperately wanting to get pregnant then it finally happened but he has CDH, he could either live or die.

I want to be pregnant so bad..maybe us moving out this weekend and passing our 1 year anniversary will bring new beginnings, hopefully positive life altering changes.

Where can I locate the off switch for my mind?

Never have done 2 posts in 1 day...First time for everything.

We made up, he actually took the time and brain power to compose a list of compromises for me. I was extremely baffled that he really cared. Actions say a lot, and well he doesn't put forth action. It's now taped to the fridge.

But hey, I hear if you can survive the first 2 years of marriage that it will withstand a lot in the future and get better in time. Maybe that's why God hasn't given me a pregnancy, due to the troubles we're facing. Well guess what God, we're trying and no one's perfect. What I do know is that my husband and I will make truly wonderful parents. I'm going to keep on trying up until his deployment, and if you can't bless me with a pregnancy by then...then I'll have to resort to science to get what I need. Sorry, I'm not going against your nature. It's just something I have to do, to satisfy my burning desire to be a mother.

Stop giving me expired lemons, Life!

Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of talking about making a baby on here and in everyday life..I'm also tired of it consuming my train of thought. Why do we have to procreate?

Period is due next Saturday and I'm already broke out like no other, and I know it's coming. Deep down, I know my husband won't be able to get me pregnant. Unless, I want to keep on trying naturally for 5 years. But we don't have 5 years, seeing as he deploys every other year. Not to mention he's 31 so at 35, his sperm count will be shot to the shit. Ultimate fail, no winning here.

But what's the point of trying for a baby when my marriage is going down the shitter? I'm actually tired of fighting for it, and am going to stand by to watch it go up in flames. Why should I always be the one to try to mend things, and try to solve our problems? Marriage takes two!!! It should have been a big red flag waving that he was 29, good looking, decent job, and single.

Right now he's sleeping on the couch downstairs, and I stay upstairs in our bedroom when he's home. I don't want to even look at him. So ashamed that our marriage isn't working and he isn't even trying to get past his hard headedness to try to fix it. I've already said everything there is to say the only thing I can do is repeat myself which I'm sick and tired of doing. Maybe it's all my fault because I married a man that I didn't know all that well. Thinking we were compatible when secretly we weren't.

Airing out My Thoughts

Of course when I need to vent this site is down.

What's that someone else in Hollywood is knocked up? Who cares? The world's overpopulated enough. As pathetic as it sounds I feel jealous when the next celeb is pregnant. It must be nice to have the $ for fertility treatments enabling you to have a baby to fit your schedule. 

On a suckier note, my husband and I are fighting once again. It's over WoW, in which World of Warcraft has been known to ruin marriages/relationships. In short, it's an extremely involving fantasy game that requires a lot from the player thus leading to an addiction. Which when he comes home around 4 he'll be on it until bed time, only getting off of it to shit, shave, and eat. Leaving little to no time spent with me. Women need attention; marriages require time and effort. At the moment he's not investing hardly any time in this marriage. I've tried to ignore it before, and tried to compromise with him to 2 hours a night and longer on weekends. He's says he'll cut it down, but doesn't. I shouldn't have to sit there and monitor his game time; I'm his wife, not his mother. So I've put my foot down this time and told him to get rid of it. Yeah, that's not going to well either..but if he wants to keep me as his wife then it leaves the house or I will. We're not speaking to each other. And our 1 yr anniversary is this Sunday; that's already ruined. 

I don't want to drown on and on about my marriage but it ties in with the baby thing. Every time we fight, I'm one step closer to separation at least, maybe even divorce. It's not like he can give me a child, so is what I am putting myself thru even worth it? Don't get me wrong I do love him, and understand that marriage has it's ups and downs. But this marriage has had a helluva lot of downs in this one year. I'm guessing love is holding this marriage together and the fact that I don't give up too easily. 

Mother's Day

Well didn't meet my goal this year of being a mother or mommy to be this Mother's Day. Trying to shoot for next year, but that looks like it isn't going to happen. Fuck Mother's Day.