My lovely DH who is in complete denial of IF and most likely ashamed of it, had yet to tell his parents we were not going to be there for Christmas. It's not that I want to stay away from them, I do want to visit..but I'll lose it if I get around the pregnant daughter. I can't endure that pain. It's already enough, that I have to live with IF on a daily basis.
Well today I find out that he finally told his mother about it. Apparently she was less than pleased and had a few not so nice things to say regarding the matter. I can understand her being not too happy about it, but have some respect for the tough time I'm going through. I'm sorry my depressed, anxiety ridden, infertile self interferes with your fertile, fucking Christmas!!! My riding on the brink of insanity, breakdowns, and hopeless thoughts are just an inconvence. I should just set aside my feelings, mental health, slap on a fake smile and pretend I'm happy just to please everyone else. No, fuck that!!
I will not risk my mental health just to please you people. You don't seem to agree. What does that say about you? Do you really have my best interests in mind? No, you don't.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Have no mercy!
I feel like a big bitch today. I am so PMS-y it's not even the least bit comical. Anyone who even looks at me strangely will get an earful. I'm not in the mood!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Regarding My Old FB Account
On my old FB, I started to be a little more open about IF. Surprisingly when I did, 3 of my friends came forward and talked to me about their struggles. One I knew had recently lost a set of twins LTTC for 7yrs, the other said she had been NTNP for 3years with an irregular cycle, and the last girl had 2 miscarriages LTTC for 2years.
Well the second girl fell pregnant in Dec 2010, only to lose her baby the day of his birth in July (they had to take him early) from CDH. I haven't spoken with her to find out if she's gotten pregnant again. The girl who had TTC for 7years got pregnant on her second round of IVF. She got pregnant last year the same month as my SIL (I hate). It was rather kind of her to tell me later in the year via PM. Now, the last girl I found out is expecting their child next year. So all of those girls who came out to me, have all had a pregnancy but me. Although it sucks still being childless, I consider myself lucky not to have suffered any physical losses.
And my SIL have completed their families, so that leaves me. Unless of course my other two BILs decide to marry, which I don't see happening. It looks like I'm next. Come on 2013!!!!!
Well the second girl fell pregnant in Dec 2010, only to lose her baby the day of his birth in July (they had to take him early) from CDH. I haven't spoken with her to find out if she's gotten pregnant again. The girl who had TTC for 7years got pregnant on her second round of IVF. She got pregnant last year the same month as my SIL (I hate). It was rather kind of her to tell me later in the year via PM. Now, the last girl I found out is expecting their child next year. So all of those girls who came out to me, have all had a pregnancy but me. Although it sucks still being childless, I consider myself lucky not to have suffered any physical losses.
And my SIL have completed their families, so that leaves me. Unless of course my other two BILs decide to marry, which I don't see happening. It looks like I'm next. Come on 2013!!!!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Seriously, Jessica Simpson?!
What are you, the new Tori Spelling? Fucking breeder.
I'm just unimpressed that she's pregnant again. Didn't she just have one like yesterday? 7 months, same thing. I just can't stand those women who pop them out one right after the other. I'm looking at you, Michelle Duggar. But that's a whole other argument. That woman can't even parent the whole lot she has. More importantly, how in the world do women do that shit??!! Or even want to do that? I would want to take the time to get to know and enjoy my first child. Perhaps Jessica Simpson is too stupid to know she needed to get back on BC if she wasn't planning another. I mean I know I don't need BC because I'm IF, but what excuse do the fertiles have? None!
Anyways, it's nearing AF's arrival and I'm less than pleased my 28th birthday is round the corner. I'm not sweating bullets in terms of age and IF, because I know I have a bit of time. However, when I hit that 30 mark and am still childless...panic will certainly set in. Great.
I'm just unimpressed that she's pregnant again. Didn't she just have one like yesterday? 7 months, same thing. I just can't stand those women who pop them out one right after the other. I'm looking at you, Michelle Duggar. But that's a whole other argument. That woman can't even parent the whole lot she has. More importantly, how in the world do women do that shit??!! Or even want to do that? I would want to take the time to get to know and enjoy my first child. Perhaps Jessica Simpson is too stupid to know she needed to get back on BC if she wasn't planning another. I mean I know I don't need BC because I'm IF, but what excuse do the fertiles have? None!
Anyways, it's nearing AF's arrival and I'm less than pleased my 28th birthday is round the corner. I'm not sweating bullets in terms of age and IF, because I know I have a bit of time. However, when I hit that 30 mark and am still childless...panic will certainly set in. Great.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I suppose I made a friend in a pregnant cow
Lately I've been feeling emotional over LTTC...that I've been ending up in tears at work. Embarrassing. Nothing regarding work whatsoever, it's just that I've reached my breaking point.
I was busy cranking away at work when the newly pregnant one tried to announce her pregnancy to me, and my workmate (who I had been previously disappointed in) interrupted her. Thank god. Then I walked to the stockroom to get more supplies and I had realized they had talked about me. I figured my workmate reminded the pregnant cow about my infertility.
Anyways, we were in the lounge later and it was a bit awkward. I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained the IF and how I feel towards pregnant women, hoping she wouldn't take it personal. Sort of used to being judged by now and called selfish. Surprisingly, she understood and wasn't at all offended. I had mini breakdown #2 and she even gave me a hug. Thus resulting in some sort of friendship. *Sigh*
I also learned about her that their situation isn't the greatest as she's the only one working, he got medically discharged from the Army. They also live with his grandparents. She'd rather move in with her mother in GA, before the baby comes. Meaning, I won't have to see her belly grow and she'll be moving before too long.
Another thing that's been bothering me is every time my husband's parents call, they ask when we're coming to visit. He always spouts off, he isn't sure and moves onto another topic. I've repeatedly told him to tell them the truth instead of dodging the question. It's because I didn't have a good Christmas last year with hearing all about SIL (I hate)'s pregnancy. Because I don't feel like being around the other pregnant SIL's 8 month bump and crying everyday! It's so much harder to face a pregnancy in the family, than a pregnant cow on the street I can scold and run away from. I'm faced with the fact we're the only ones who haven't conceived and they've even completed their families! I have to see that motherly love being dangled in front of my face. It's just too hard to face it anymore.
I was busy cranking away at work when the newly pregnant one tried to announce her pregnancy to me, and my workmate (who I had been previously disappointed in) interrupted her. Thank god. Then I walked to the stockroom to get more supplies and I had realized they had talked about me. I figured my workmate reminded the pregnant cow about my infertility.
Anyways, we were in the lounge later and it was a bit awkward. I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained the IF and how I feel towards pregnant women, hoping she wouldn't take it personal. Sort of used to being judged by now and called selfish. Surprisingly, she understood and wasn't at all offended. I had mini breakdown #2 and she even gave me a hug. Thus resulting in some sort of friendship. *Sigh*
I also learned about her that their situation isn't the greatest as she's the only one working, he got medically discharged from the Army. They also live with his grandparents. She'd rather move in with her mother in GA, before the baby comes. Meaning, I won't have to see her belly grow and she'll be moving before too long.
Another thing that's been bothering me is every time my husband's parents call, they ask when we're coming to visit. He always spouts off, he isn't sure and moves onto another topic. I've repeatedly told him to tell them the truth instead of dodging the question. It's because I didn't have a good Christmas last year with hearing all about SIL (I hate)'s pregnancy. Because I don't feel like being around the other pregnant SIL's 8 month bump and crying everyday! It's so much harder to face a pregnancy in the family, than a pregnant cow on the street I can scold and run away from. I'm faced with the fact we're the only ones who haven't conceived and they've even completed their families! I have to see that motherly love being dangled in front of my face. It's just too hard to face it anymore.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Did you hear the one about the infertile and pregnant woman at the cinema?
No of course you didn't, because it's not going to happen! Ever. Well unless of course I'm visiting a pregnant former IF mate and she wants to go to see a film. Or unless the unthinkable happens and I'm pregnant too.
My workmate and I have had plans to see the newest installment of Twilight. Knowing very well of my struggles (in fact I told her about what happened at work) she goes and invites the new pregnant one to go along. Ugh! Really?! I then proceeded to explain that I am not comfortable around pregnant women in general. It has been known to trigger an anxiety attack. Extreme, I know. It's bad enough I have to work with her. Though normally I don't work with her, we tend to work opposite shifts. So why in the world would I want to socialize with her??!!
I'm starting to realize fertile people don't think really think of IF people. That's why I'm starting to give more thought to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, when I say it. However, I think you need to put yourself first when people don't give any thought to you. I'm not wanting a pity party or any sympathy, just for people to use common logic. I think that makes sense.
Here's something that gave me a chuckle. A bit tacky, but funny nonetheless.
My workmate and I have had plans to see the newest installment of Twilight. Knowing very well of my struggles (in fact I told her about what happened at work) she goes and invites the new pregnant one to go along. Ugh! Really?! I then proceeded to explain that I am not comfortable around pregnant women in general. It has been known to trigger an anxiety attack. Extreme, I know. It's bad enough I have to work with her. Though normally I don't work with her, we tend to work opposite shifts. So why in the world would I want to socialize with her??!!
I'm starting to realize fertile people don't think really think of IF people. That's why I'm starting to give more thought to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, when I say it. However, I think you need to put yourself first when people don't give any thought to you. I'm not wanting a pity party or any sympathy, just for people to use common logic. I think that makes sense.
Friday, November 23, 2012
I'm such a twat
Reason being, I had a mental breakdown in front of the former pregnant cow at work.
1. IMO, and I'm so hard on myself, having a breakdown is a sign of weakness. I'm not a weak person.
2. I HATE having a breakdown in front of someone I'm not fond of. I feel as if their reaction, sympathy is forced and false.
3. She told me someone else at work was pregnant. I did not care to know that!!!!! Let's trigger my depression why don't we?
I'm trying not to be hard on myself because these things do happen and I couldn't help it. I've been through a lot already and it looks like it's not letting up any time soon. Also this time of the year triggers a lot of heartache being another birthday, wishing for a baby this Christmas again, and the end of 2012.
Can I just forward to next year and be done with this shit year? In fact, can I just forward to the part of my life to where I'm a mother? Please? :(
1. IMO, and I'm so hard on myself, having a breakdown is a sign of weakness. I'm not a weak person.
2. I HATE having a breakdown in front of someone I'm not fond of. I feel as if their reaction, sympathy is forced and false.
3. She told me someone else at work was pregnant. I did not care to know that!!!!! Let's trigger my depression why don't we?
I'm trying not to be hard on myself because these things do happen and I couldn't help it. I've been through a lot already and it looks like it's not letting up any time soon. Also this time of the year triggers a lot of heartache being another birthday, wishing for a baby this Christmas again, and the end of 2012.
Can I just forward to next year and be done with this shit year? In fact, can I just forward to the part of my life to where I'm a mother? Please? :(
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