Why do I insist on checking if AF is coming?

I know AF is coming, like the bitch does every cycle, month same thing.

I wish I knew what it was like to be fertile. I'm tired of being infertile. :(

There's times when you feel mocked.

Sometimes I feel like infertility is pointing its finger and laughing at me. Haha, look at pathetic Jackie  , lets make her hurt and suffer even more! It's like infertility is this nasty enemy who's sole purpose in life is to make mine hell!

What prompted these infertile thoughts is seeing the young dirty girl (their apartment is absolutely filthy and I'm certain they're the reason why we had bugs) and her husband tote along an infant. I knew she had been pregnant! Just pisses me off because in no way are they ready mentally for a child. They drink all week, she has no job or schooling sits at home, and their place is filthy with garb all over the floor. Nothing else to do? Lets get pregnant! Bitch. That makes the fourth pregnancy in this unit and we haven't even been here a year! There is a total of 4 new infants, the other had just moved out. Did I sign a lease to live in the fertile portion of housing? What the fuck?!!

I need to keep reminding myself just a couple more months till we leave here, not that going back near the inlaws is ideal but at least my father doesn't live on a fertile block.

I want to bang my head on the well, rip out my hair, throw objects, and then just drink myself into a tequila stupor.

Poo drama, yet again.

It's pretty bad when you have to watch your step in the apartment stairwell..there could very well be a pile of steaming shit round the corner. There were some nuggets hanging out on the second set of stairs. I have the culprit narrowed down to a mixed mutt, and a Shitzu on our 3rd floor. Although the neighbors called the office when the last crime was committed. They happen to own those two dogs and the only dogs on our floor. Nice cover up. Well played. One of these Inspector J is going to catch the pooper in the act! Until next time......

Raise your hand if you're not pregnant.

*Raises hand high* Anyone else, besides me and my IF mates? No? Didn't think so.

It's official, this whole world is pregnant. Every damn celebrity, anyone in the public eye, dogs, cats, fish, former schoolmates, that damn woman who already has sextuplets with one man claimed IF and miraculously had another (no bitch, you're overly fertile), and even a man has been pregnant. Okay a transgender, but still!! It's complete shit, really.

It's happening again, like it does every year. I'm starting to get mental before the anniversary of the date we started TTC. I become even more anxious and depressed. It's not so much the total of 3 years, but tacking another a year. Each year I hope that this is it, that I can finally stop this nightmare. Entering into year 4 of this shit makes you even more depressed and even less hopeful. Surprisingly I have a sliver of hope I keep clutching onto, though it is dwindling. I keep wondering when I'm going to stop, or am I carrying on another 17 years? I don't know.

If I'm not pregnant this month, then hello to year 4 of this fucking LTTC Hell. So excited. Not.

Nightmares. Awesome.

I keep having nightmares about SIL (I like) and the in laws. In the nightmare, DH and I are living with his parents and his sister with her kids (the newest baby, hopefully the last) are living there too. I try to stay at my mother's and don't really go over there until I have to. When I do, no one talks to me because of how I feel about their fertile family. Every one alienates me. Then I woke up.

While I don't bother looking into hidden meanings of dreams, I can conclude that I have major anxiety about being around my new nephew and being in the in laws home in general. It's not going to even be healthy for me to even try. I'm not saying that to be selfish or rude, I just don't want to be set off. Infertility has taken me to this deep dark abyss of which I cannot return from.

No infertiles allowed; Mother'sClub

Note: I do have friends who have children and I know they would never conduct themselves in this way. This is about the smug mothers.

I've notice when I'm out in the grocery market, that they don't bat an eyelash when they nearly mow you down with their shopping trolley. Of course it's because they have an overflowing trolley with children and grocery items. They can't see! 

This one smug mother threw me a filthy look, because I walked down the stairs as they (her, her husband, and children) were entering the doorway causing her to move aside with her twins. Tough shit, I was on the stairs first. 

Then there's the mothers that cut you off with their pram while you're walking on the same path. I didn't know you had priority over me since you have a child! Excuse my infertile ass! 

I cannot understand why some of these mothers expect other women, especially childless ones, to get out of their way, and don't take the last milk carton because they need it more. Being a mother doesn't make you better than me, and sure as hell doesn't make you some sort of VIP. 

Rant over.

On a positive note, I had Mexican food for lunch and a large margarita. It was fantastic, all at 12:30 pm too. I know I like to take a walk on the wild side every now and then. 

I like to wake up and start my day with a pregnancy announcement.

Please note the sarcastic, bitchy tone.

This is not just the annoying, and still hurtful Fertilebook, erm Facebook announcement. I deleted that stupid thing forever ago and have an IF Facebook with my close IF mates. This announcement was said to my face. 

I was dropping my DH on base, and his workmate wanted to talk to me. This guy isn't the sharpest tool in the garden shed and just likes to talk about nonsense. I've concluded he may not be all together there.  He was telling me about the miniature zoo at his home and slipped in there that his daughter is 7 weeks pregnant. Are you kidding me??!! The girl is barely out of her teens, just married her military boyfriend, and is pregnant?! I can't say that I'm surprised because that's how it goes with military couples. My husband and I are the odd ones out being in our late 20s, early 30s and childless. In general military breeding standards (like rabbits, really), I should be toting along 4 children already and maybe expecting my fifth. Anyways, I know my reaction was less than favorable. I couldn't bring myself to fake a smile; I didn't even try. I just congratulated him and exited the conversation. On the way home, I started to cry. It's not fair. Not one bit.

I was a little taken aback that he said that, because I figured my DH would have confided in him about IF. Also, I have learned that his mate is aware of our struggles. Though, I cannot be that angry at him because he doesn't seem to have it together mentally. Believe me, I did want to tell him off for announcing it. I certainly had to hold that back. 

It's the reproductive chapter in AP II, the lecture of IF, nearing 3 years, more former schoolmates getting pregnant, the newest nephew, nearing ovulation is just getting to me. I'm having to focus on sex and procreation more than I want to. The irony of all this is going to make my head explode. 

Infertility and incompetent people. Got to love it.

Alas we entered the pregnancy chapter. *Sigh* I found myself half ass listening through this lecture, and partially ready to cry. My anxiety and depression have gotten that bad, I cannot even handle discussing pregnancy in the name of biology. Infertility has turned my world upside down.

As I inch closer to that dreaded 3yr mark, I've evaluated my journey and realize that I don't deal with infertility. I don't know how. I ignore it, because my mother brushes me off when I talk about, my DH doesn't want to comment on it, and the commentary I get from in-laws or fertile people. There's times when I cry around my ovulation and before AF, other days I ignore it and go on with my life. Then there's those days that I try to inject some positivity in it, like I can focus on a career, stay slim, be selfish, and do as I please. Usually those "positive revelation days" are followed by days of crying on the toilet over being bloated, and pending AF. After my sobfest, I take my sniveling, puffy face to the corner market for a chocolate bar. Gosh, I'm a mess.

Also, I see I've gone from this social butterfly to a socially inept freak. I've lost some friends since moving and them getting married, pregnant, or even divorced and knocked up by some other guy. Contact has ceased over the years, sometimes mutually and other times due to me. Being an Army wife doesn't help either, as the friendships aren't built to last. I can count on one hand how many true friends I have, and one happens to be male. Thank goodness, I don't have to worry about him getting pregnant.   I'd rather stay at home safe on the couch, than out to some social event of where people my age are trading stories about their children's antics. NO, thank you.

I believe I've mentioned I work with a bunch of idiots, wankers, and cows. Well Sunday I wasn't feeling, I had horrible abdominal pains. I went to the toilet and out came some stool with a cloud of blood. It freaked me out as it was abundance of bright red blood. A good sign that there was no internal bleeding, but I was bleeding somewhere!! I tossed around the idea of rushing to the hospital because my pains still continued. So I went to speak with my wanker manager about it, he grimaced and looked at me and asked if I was pregnant?!!!! I gave him a death stare and said no I am infertile! Because a bloody stool is a sign of pregnancy????? Dumbass. Besides, I thought everyone at work knew about my IF anyways. I'm thinking my intelligence level is starting to plummet every time I work with those people. *Shakes head*

How did I get roped into making buffalo chicken dip?

Somehow my supervisor nominated me to make buffalo chicken dip for work on Super Bowl Sunday. That's like a national holiday in the south, let alone the US. I really don't give a rats arse. In fact, my tradition is to go the shopping mall and do some damage. But I work today, which is just a waste because everyone will be at their little Super Bowl festivities. Yay me! Not. I mean the dip is fantastic and calorie laden at that, though I did try to cut back where I could. As long as I come home with a licked clean crockpot, so I won't sit there and eat it all. I see why everyone is so large down here. Food tastes good in the south.

Last night those infertile thoughts crept up on me again. I don't know how I'm going to handle being around the in laws more than I have to. I just don't feel comfortable over there with "grand kids" picture frames covering every inch of their wall, staring at me. And of course my in laws carrying on and on about the latest grandchild. Like your infertile daughter in law gives a shit. I believe I'm just going to hide at my fathers home and tell them I'm much too busy with my fathers renovations to visit. I wonder how long that excuse will last, till they complain to my husband. Why do they want me to see me anyways, I don't have a baby for them to fuss over? They don't come and visit us when we live in another state as well. What does it matter that I, "keep up appearances" at their home? It doesn't, really.

A+ on my first test

Minus Infertility 139, though if that really was a course I'd certainly excel, I'm doing well in school. I'm going to round out this semester with an associates in science and transfer to a uni in Illinois-Missoui area. Nursing programs are a little harder to get into up there since each has different requirements. I'm going to finish up a bachelors in biology or chemistry and then do a fast track BSN in 15 months..going to school year round, and everyday. That will be crazy. But at least 2 degrees will come of it. Even though school makes me tired, it certainly makes me happy gaining knowledge and testing what I do know. It's also a nice distraction from infertility. Even though that's important too, there's nothing I can do about it. My education, I can do something about.

I just finished up an annoying AF. I found myself being extremely bitchy (more so than normal) and shoving every fattening food in my mouth. Glad it's done. On to this cycle, which again I am trying, but part of me can't be bothered with it. It's become a hassle, really. But it's the only option we have.

I really don't think life gets any easier. It just plateaus when it gets to "Meh" and then drops off into bottom of the barrel from there.