Alas we entered the pregnancy chapter. *Sigh* I found myself half ass listening through this lecture, and partially ready to cry. My anxiety and depression have gotten that bad, I cannot even handle discussing pregnancy in the name of biology. Infertility has turned my world upside down.
As I inch closer to that dreaded 3yr mark, I've evaluated my journey and realize that I don't deal with infertility. I don't know how. I ignore it, because my mother brushes me off when I talk about, my DH doesn't want to comment on it, and the commentary I get from in-laws or fertile people. There's times when I cry around my ovulation and before AF, other days I ignore it and go on with my life. Then there's those days that I try to inject some positivity in it, like I can focus on a career, stay slim, be selfish, and do as I please. Usually those "positive revelation days" are followed by days of crying on the toilet over being bloated, and pending AF. After my sobfest, I take my sniveling, puffy face to the corner market for a chocolate bar. Gosh, I'm a mess.
Also, I see I've gone from this social butterfly to a socially inept freak. I've lost some friends since moving and them getting married, pregnant, or even divorced and knocked up by some other guy. Contact has ceased over the years, sometimes mutually and other times due to me. Being an Army wife doesn't help either, as the friendships aren't built to last. I can count on one hand how many true friends I have, and one happens to be male. Thank goodness, I don't have to worry about him getting pregnant. I'd rather stay at home safe on the couch, than out to some social event of where people my age are trading stories about their children's antics. NO, thank you.
I believe I've mentioned I work with a bunch of idiots, wankers, and cows. Well Sunday I wasn't feeling, I had horrible abdominal pains. I went to the toilet and out came some stool with a cloud of blood. It freaked me out as it was abundance of bright red blood. A good sign that there was no internal bleeding, but I was bleeding somewhere!! I tossed around the idea of rushing to the hospital because my pains still continued. So I went to speak with my wanker manager about it, he grimaced and looked at me and asked if I was pregnant?!!!! I gave him a death stare and said no I am infertile! Because a bloody stool is a sign of pregnancy????? Dumbass. Besides, I thought everyone at work knew about my IF anyways. I'm thinking my intelligence level is starting to plummet every time I work with those people. *Shakes head*
<3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling like this. No one should have to feel like this for something that is supposed to be so natural. Infertility f'n sucks.
Have you talked to a counsellor? I guess a better question is, do you have coverage to see one? Just someone to sit there and listen and be a neutral party.
Just make sure they're not pregnant or trying! ;)
Yeah our insurance covers counseling and I went when this all started. She was polite and gave me pointers I already figured. I would actually like to see one that has experience counseling the infertiles, but that's uncommon. So been there done that and refuse to go anti depressants.
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