It happened. I've missed a period. Now you're thinking, this might be it! I thought so too. 3 negative pregnancy test, a negative blood test, and still no period later I am not pregnant. My body fucking hates my guts. At first I was rather thrilled, but still tried my damndest to not get my hopes up. Didn't work. Of course I was already browsing maternity wear and pissing on a pee stick like pregnancy was going out of style. Today I went to get my blood work and they confirmed what the tests said(hoping they were false).
With all this negativity how is one expected to stay positive? I put in positivity and get back negativity! Complete and utter bs. "It will happen when it happens", "It's not your time yet (no shit!)", "When you stop trying it will happen", or "God works in mysterious ways". Yeah well I've tried, then I've given up on trying and it still hasn't happened. I'm beginning to think God thinks I'd make a crap mother, so that's why he's not making it happen for me.
Why am I not surprised? I have often gotten the shitty end of the stick in life. Not finished with school, engaged to a freaking pathological liar who turned my life upside down, $ troubles, got married to a man who can't give me a child naturally, the list goes on, etc. I have officially decided that I'm done trying for a child. It's just not happening naturally and frankly I can't take any more of the emotional despair that goes with it. Looks like I'm waiting till we get the $ for IVF in a year..and in the mean time focusing on school and a career. FUCK IT!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm starting to not care.
It's rather sad I've gotten to this point of not caring. I mean what more can I do? I'm not necessarily giving up all together but almost. Often, I feel like this dream of mine is unachievable. At least right now. The more I want it, the more I end up with big fat negatives and bloody tampons. So maybe I'm changing tactics and am just like whatever all together. See if that works. I still have that broodiness of wanting to be a mother, that will NEVER go away; I'm just trying to put it on hold right now.
I also have gotten a babysitting gig, Mon, Wed, and Fri for about 7-8 hours during the day. It is rather challenging since the baby is 8 months and teething. He fights me on baby food, sometimes bottles, and taking a nap. These last 3 days with him have been a nightmare, I find myself questioning wanting a baby. Then again, I hear it's different when it's your own. And I also don't know what it's like to be a mother. Hopefully, it will get easier. In a way, I think he is satisfying my want.
Maybe if I take away the stress and so much emphasis on trying that it will happen naturally. Then again, this babysitting gig is stressing me out, so maybe not. I think I'll give it another week, and if things don't get better..then I'm going to give it up. I don't need an added stress when I'm trying to eliminate one.
I also have gotten a babysitting gig, Mon, Wed, and Fri for about 7-8 hours during the day. It is rather challenging since the baby is 8 months and teething. He fights me on baby food, sometimes bottles, and taking a nap. These last 3 days with him have been a nightmare, I find myself questioning wanting a baby. Then again, I hear it's different when it's your own. And I also don't know what it's like to be a mother. Hopefully, it will get easier. In a way, I think he is satisfying my want.
Maybe if I take away the stress and so much emphasis on trying that it will happen naturally. Then again, this babysitting gig is stressing me out, so maybe not. I think I'll give it another week, and if things don't get better..then I'm going to give it up. I don't need an added stress when I'm trying to eliminate one.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Guess What!
My period came. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm if you couldn't already tell). I was actually upset over it. Seriously, I don't know where this sliver of hope comes from..it should be slowly dwindling down. I don't even know why I try.
As each cycle passes me up with a rosy coming each time, I accept more and more that this isn't going to happen naturally. Really after being disappointed for a year now, how can I be positive? With the results from his sperm test explaining why it hasn't happened, how can I still have hope it will happen naturally? How much longer can I keep on hurting myself month after month?
If I don't try then I feel like I'm failing myself..even when I do try, I feel awful and even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Then I try not to care about it, but that doesn't work either! I just can't win. There's really nothing positive about this trying to conceive crap. It's like I'm being punished by marrying a man who has an issue with his sperm. I mean he's gotten 2 girls pregnant before(one aborted it, the other miscarried), plus he comes from a fertile myrtle family, so why can't he get me pregnant???
I hate this, I really do.
As each cycle passes me up with a rosy coming each time, I accept more and more that this isn't going to happen naturally. Really after being disappointed for a year now, how can I be positive? With the results from his sperm test explaining why it hasn't happened, how can I still have hope it will happen naturally? How much longer can I keep on hurting myself month after month?
If I don't try then I feel like I'm failing myself..even when I do try, I feel awful and even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Then I try not to care about it, but that doesn't work either! I just can't win. There's really nothing positive about this trying to conceive crap. It's like I'm being punished by marrying a man who has an issue with his sperm. I mean he's gotten 2 girls pregnant before(one aborted it, the other miscarried), plus he comes from a fertile myrtle family, so why can't he get me pregnant???
I hate this, I really do.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Here I am again in this never ending cycle!
Where am I at in my current situation? Well I've come to terms with IVF may be the answer, my husband is slowly coming around. For the time being I have kind of given up on trying, a little sick of being disappointed but more or less not trying as hard. I didn't even buy ovulation tests for this last time.
My husband isn't deploying in March, we now are bought a little more 2-3 more months. I'm taking this as some sort of sign that positivity(pregnancy) is going to come our way. Trying to relax and take the pressure off as much as I can. With all that being said, today is the 29th day of my cycle meaning my period is supposed to start tomorrow. Lately my period has been coming at least 2-3 earlier. Pregnancy signs include really heavy breasts, even sensitive nipples, and some nausea. I'm not over thinking my body this time either. So again I'm in the situation like I've been in so many times before, hoping that this time will be it. Maybe this time it will take. I hate how I get my hopes up but I can't help it. Come on, it's got to be it this time.
My husband isn't deploying in March, we now are bought a little more 2-3 more months. I'm taking this as some sort of sign that positivity(pregnancy) is going to come our way. Trying to relax and take the pressure off as much as I can. With all that being said, today is the 29th day of my cycle meaning my period is supposed to start tomorrow. Lately my period has been coming at least 2-3 earlier. Pregnancy signs include really heavy breasts, even sensitive nipples, and some nausea. I'm not over thinking my body this time either. So again I'm in the situation like I've been in so many times before, hoping that this time will be it. Maybe this time it will take. I hate how I get my hopes up but I can't help it. Come on, it's got to be it this time.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Controversies of IVF
I wish that we could conceive naturally..but due to his low motility and count the chances of it happening are vey low. Being in the military, him wanting to get out in 4 years..we don't exactly have a lot of time. Not to mention he's 31, at 35 the sperm quantity starts declining. He doesn't have that much to begin with 7.5 million.
So now we're faced with opposing sides on IVF. I wish to do whatever it takes, he doesn't want IVF because it's not natural. Well if we can't conceive naturally then we really don't have a choice, if that is what it takes to get a pregnancy. Honestly, I don't want to have to go through this either. We're having the hardest time compromising on this situation. He says fine we'll go with it, but he complains about how expensive it is. The shit isn't going to be cheap, and it's not guaranteed to work. That's why I'm looking into the places that have a money back guarantee if it doesn't work. Or I'm considering donating eggs to help the cost too. He says that it couldn't hurt for me to get retested. Why would I get retested when my tests panned out just fine? If anything he should be getting retested because he was the one that didn't add up! Also, he wants to try for 6 more months when he comes back from Afghanistan. We've already tried for a year, not to mention I'm going to have to go a whole year struggling to cope with the fact that I'm not yet pregnant. The time to cut off trying naturally is coming soon, I'm NOT going to wait till the last minute to try to conceive. I won't.
This shouldn't be an argument but it is. I wish that he would be 100% supportive, and be there for me. Instead he has to be stubborn, hardheaded and feed me his negative opinions, or bitch about it. He says since I don't want to hear his opinions then he's done talking about it, and I shouldn't expect him to support me like I want. WTF? That's not 100% supporting me then. If he causes me this much stress and hurt when I undergo IVF then it won't take. Then he'll really be bitching about money going down the drain.
I know it sounds selfish but I feel like I should be the one to call the shots..seeing as I'm more responsible and motivated than him. Not to mention I'm the one who wants this more than anything, plus it will be a part of me. He is too optimistic, saying it will happen when it's meant to happen. If I let him take the reins then I'll be 35 by the time I have my first child or not have any at all.
I don't know, this whole situation just seems to get worse and worse. How far can I go emotionally and mentally in this dream? I often feel like I'm by myself in this.
So now we're faced with opposing sides on IVF. I wish to do whatever it takes, he doesn't want IVF because it's not natural. Well if we can't conceive naturally then we really don't have a choice, if that is what it takes to get a pregnancy. Honestly, I don't want to have to go through this either. We're having the hardest time compromising on this situation. He says fine we'll go with it, but he complains about how expensive it is. The shit isn't going to be cheap, and it's not guaranteed to work. That's why I'm looking into the places that have a money back guarantee if it doesn't work. Or I'm considering donating eggs to help the cost too. He says that it couldn't hurt for me to get retested. Why would I get retested when my tests panned out just fine? If anything he should be getting retested because he was the one that didn't add up! Also, he wants to try for 6 more months when he comes back from Afghanistan. We've already tried for a year, not to mention I'm going to have to go a whole year struggling to cope with the fact that I'm not yet pregnant. The time to cut off trying naturally is coming soon, I'm NOT going to wait till the last minute to try to conceive. I won't.
This shouldn't be an argument but it is. I wish that he would be 100% supportive, and be there for me. Instead he has to be stubborn, hardheaded and feed me his negative opinions, or bitch about it. He says since I don't want to hear his opinions then he's done talking about it, and I shouldn't expect him to support me like I want. WTF? That's not 100% supporting me then. If he causes me this much stress and hurt when I undergo IVF then it won't take. Then he'll really be bitching about money going down the drain.
I know it sounds selfish but I feel like I should be the one to call the shots..seeing as I'm more responsible and motivated than him. Not to mention I'm the one who wants this more than anything, plus it will be a part of me. He is too optimistic, saying it will happen when it's meant to happen. If I let him take the reins then I'll be 35 by the time I have my first child or not have any at all.
I don't know, this whole situation just seems to get worse and worse. How far can I go emotionally and mentally in this dream? I often feel like I'm by myself in this.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Don't ever tell me "It will happen when it happens."
The only people who believe that are those who aren't even trying for a baby and either A. already have one, B. those who have previously tried then gave up then it magically happened, or C. those who don't have any children period, let alone a husband, and then you have your D. optimists.
I will seriously cause the next person who says that to me physical pain. Guess why it's not going to happen when it happens, because my husband has a fucking low sperm count! Yes, it was confirmed yesterday that my husband has a low count. So I'm doing everything the websites say to increase them. No more hot baths, taking his multivitamin, and cutting out the tobacco. There's nothing we can do about the stress, and even stressed out people conceive babies. Also the baby and medical websites have listed if this doesn't increase the sperm, then either A. we try forever naturally or B. we look into insemination or IVF which will cost an arm and a leg. Why must a natural act that's supposed to be free cost the same as a new car?
As I stated last time, we have this cycle and maybe next to conceive naturally. After that he deploys for a year..we'll see how I'll hold up. I'm probably going to fall apart and end up in a psycho ward. Great now I'm crying again. I just stopped crying today, I couldn't stop the tears yesterday. I wish we had the money to do the insemination now, but we're going to have to wait. Oh I forgot to mention when I received the results, I called my gyno to see what was the next move for me. He said it would be a waste of time to run any more tests on me, and to put me on Clomid since my husband is the one with the issue. Then he referred me to a fertility specialist in Saint Louis. Extremely heartbreaking and devastating to hear those words, to be told that you are at that point you didn't you think you would be at.
To top it off, my husband doesn't want IVF but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So that's causing a rift in our marriage. Honestly, I don't want to have to go thru any of this but if that's my only choice then I have to.
Of course this stress is put on me right before my ovulation time. When I'm slightly counting for this time or maybe next to be it.
Where does one draw the line at trying to conceive naturally? Do you wait till this last minute, his cut off age and your before you try to do the fertility treatments? Do you do it when we'll have some of the $?
I guess my answer is to try these last maybe 2 months and then when he comes back from deployment, take what money we have and try the insemination, then the IVF if that doesn't work.
I will seriously cause the next person who says that to me physical pain. Guess why it's not going to happen when it happens, because my husband has a fucking low sperm count! Yes, it was confirmed yesterday that my husband has a low count. So I'm doing everything the websites say to increase them. No more hot baths, taking his multivitamin, and cutting out the tobacco. There's nothing we can do about the stress, and even stressed out people conceive babies. Also the baby and medical websites have listed if this doesn't increase the sperm, then either A. we try forever naturally or B. we look into insemination or IVF which will cost an arm and a leg. Why must a natural act that's supposed to be free cost the same as a new car?
As I stated last time, we have this cycle and maybe next to conceive naturally. After that he deploys for a year..we'll see how I'll hold up. I'm probably going to fall apart and end up in a psycho ward. Great now I'm crying again. I just stopped crying today, I couldn't stop the tears yesterday. I wish we had the money to do the insemination now, but we're going to have to wait. Oh I forgot to mention when I received the results, I called my gyno to see what was the next move for me. He said it would be a waste of time to run any more tests on me, and to put me on Clomid since my husband is the one with the issue. Then he referred me to a fertility specialist in Saint Louis. Extremely heartbreaking and devastating to hear those words, to be told that you are at that point you didn't you think you would be at.
To top it off, my husband doesn't want IVF but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So that's causing a rift in our marriage. Honestly, I don't want to have to go thru any of this but if that's my only choice then I have to.
Of course this stress is put on me right before my ovulation time. When I'm slightly counting for this time or maybe next to be it.
Where does one draw the line at trying to conceive naturally? Do you wait till this last minute, his cut off age and your before you try to do the fertility treatments? Do you do it when we'll have some of the $?
I guess my answer is to try these last maybe 2 months and then when he comes back from deployment, take what money we have and try the insemination, then the IVF if that doesn't work.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I feel like I want to rip every last hair out of my head!
Seriously life, stop making me jump thru hoops to get what I want!!!
So results are done on my husband's sperm analysis and he has a low sperm count. Greeatt. Like I specified we're going to have to have sex on the exact day I ovulate. In which I don't understand how it can take men with low sperm count longer to conceive when it only takes one sperm to fertilize an egg. Even when we've had sex on the right day, still nothing.
I called my gyno's office to see if I can turn in the document and schedule an appointment to see if I can get on the Clomid. Of course I have one more test to go thru, but seeing as he's booked till March I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Waiting till March isn't an option, I don't have till March. Once I clear one hoop, now I got to figure out how I'm going to get thru the next one which happens to be on fire! WTF? Can I not catch a break?
Then in the back of my mind I'm still counting on this time to be it. This is just too much for me to handle right now.
So results are done on my husband's sperm analysis and he has a low sperm count. Greeatt. Like I specified we're going to have to have sex on the exact day I ovulate. In which I don't understand how it can take men with low sperm count longer to conceive when it only takes one sperm to fertilize an egg. Even when we've had sex on the right day, still nothing.
I called my gyno's office to see if I can turn in the document and schedule an appointment to see if I can get on the Clomid. Of course I have one more test to go thru, but seeing as he's booked till March I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Waiting till March isn't an option, I don't have till March. Once I clear one hoop, now I got to figure out how I'm going to get thru the next one which happens to be on fire! WTF? Can I not catch a break?
Then in the back of my mind I'm still counting on this time to be it. This is just too much for me to handle right now.
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