Feeling lucky today

Awoke feeling very, very nauseated. Thought I was going to puke all over myself in bed. But I burped and it tasted like vomit, so my stomach contents were making their way up. Good sign!! Not going to run and get a test, just going to wait patiently to see if Rosy comes. Trying hard to relax and not get my hopes up.

I finally scored one of those Bounty $5 off coupons after trying all this month, got my lovely Tom Ford sunglasses in yesterday, and I get to eat Jack in the Box today. So I'm feeling pretty lucky today and hopefully it stays that way for a while. Even if my stupid period comes, I'll just do my best to keep a positive attitude and try harder this next month.

I found a couple of other schools who have the dental assistant program. I'm going to keep on pursuing that angle next week.

Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that this will finally be my month after trying for almost 17 months now.

Note about school

I see that I won't be able to place into dental assisting until Jan 30th, I take a test..then it's a selective admissions in which they don't take just anyone. Shit. The last time I was in college was freaking 08'!! Most of my brain power has been left behind in that year. I don't know what to do, I guess I'll still take classes this fall..then just take the test. Or maybe just start pre-reqs for something like a medical assistant then decide from there. I don't want to do nursing, everyone does that. Why the hell do they have the test in Jan? Why not have it over the dam summer? Because you're holding those people back who want to get in the program from pursing their back-up plan!!!

I guess if I get pregnant, I'll still go ahead and go for like medical assistant; then see how far I can get on that. Or even if they offer online courses, that will work too.

Baby, baby, baby on the brain!

Geez I wish I could get my mind off of babies, pregnancy, and ttc. I feel like I'm slowly going mad.
Maybe that's part of the 2 week wait. However, it's usually not this bad. I'm a bit more relaxed and slightly anxious. Lately, I'm just having trouble focusing on other matters at hand. Then again, I think it's because everything is being dropped on me at once. He's deploying at the latest Sept. 10th; earliest end of July, if he fails. I need to go next month and see about school, but I don't want to start till the week of the 10th because I'm going to be ovulating before he leaves. Maybe I can drive down specifically to get it on that day??

I also know that this IVF is becoming a reality for me. At first, I thought it was something that we would never have to do, still denied it after I got the results of his SA..Now in the next 3 months, it's very real and scary. But I have a year to prepare myself. Not to mention another year of my biological time clock ticking and another birthday passing me up. That's going to be the worst. Maybe I'll buy myself something really nice for my birthday, like a nice new purse. More of a pity materialistic present for what I really want.

Well I feel like this is my month, then again I have very little hope. Not much signs pointing to pregnancy except for my face isn't horribly broke out, boobs feel a bit heavy (but I'm probably imagining that), and a little nausea. I guess I'll wait out the next 4 days and see.

One more week to go and husband's deployment in the very near future.

Already have 1 week of my TWW down. I must say it went pretty fast.

As my period isn't far off..hopefully it is another 9 months away, I'm still not looking forward to discussing the Sarah issue. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I don't need that right now. Really, I'm just ready to go home, tell them my version, and get on with my life. Then I won't have to deal with it till the holidays.

Husband told me Saturday that he's slotted to deploy Sept. 10. If he fails his tests next month it will be much sooner. So I have about 2-3 more chances to get pregnant.  I don't want him to go because I still want to keep on trying naturally, but then again I can start saving $ for IUI or IVF. Plus, there's also that worry what if something happens to him? God forbid. It's going to suck waiting another year for a baby when I've been desperately wanting one for the past 2 years.

I really need a miracle. Just going to stay focused on the goal at hand, and try to be as positive as I can about it. It can still happen.

Dreading going home to visit my in-laws

Positive news, I got my positive ovulation test..the other day. First positive I've gotten since Dec. Let's hope that means I'm pregnant at the end of the month. My husband didn't get sent to Ft. Carson, he tests in July. So I think this was meant to happen like this and I'm going to be pregnant at the end of the month. I just hate driving my hopes up like this. Hopefully this time they won't get crushed.

On another note, we're going home next weekend. I'm not looking forward to discussing the Sarah saga with them. Really it's no one's business, Sarah just decided it was. I'll just say my bit and how I feel, if they don't understand or at least try to, it's not my problem. I think they'll understand it to an extent. Just don't feel like discussing it, I'm fine pretending she doesn't exist. No sense in stressing myself out over unnecessary people. On top of that my period is due the day we leave on Sunday. So if it decides to come it will be a sucky way to end the weekend.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts for the end of this month! PLEASE. I'm so ready to create my beautiful baby!!

Where oh where are you positive ovulation test?

WTH? I'm sick of playing hide and go seek with my ovulation! I'm back to my regular scheduled 29 days, so my ovulation should be here somewhere! If I can't get a positive then I'm calling another gyno to get on Clomid. Seriously, the last time I got a positive was Dec. I was actively using them and haven't gotten a positive since then. Of course I gave up for a bit there too.

I guess I'll just do sex every other day because of his count and motility, keep testing, if I don't get a positive then I'm going to take the next step. I'm also going to call Tri-Care about his infertility..a freaking lab nurse told him they wouldn't cover him going to a urologist. If they're going to cover Clomid for me, then surely they'll cover whatever they can give him!!

Come on positive pregnancy test at the end of the month!!!

I think I'm going to be down to 0 friends on my FB.

Seriously, wtf? How many more people am I going to have to delete off my FB? I've deleted 3 more pregnant ones this week! Even hid a guy's status that he knocked up his wife again. At least they don't boast like the women do all over their FB. Why can't I be a part of this pregnancy wave? Grrr.

I even had a talk with my vagina as I elevated my hips after sex. Told it to help my husband's sperm along to the final destination. In which, I wasn't ovulating today, so at least hang around where my egg will come thru!!

Just feel like banging my head against the wall. How can something that's supposed to be so easy and natural be such a fucking struggle? I mean I know I have to do things the complicated way, but come on sperm meets egg and makes a baby. It can't get that much simpler!

Maybe I just need to have a chat with my husband's balls and tell his sperm that they need to stop being lazy.

Please, please, please let me get a positive ovulation test so we can do it on the right day and then get a positive pregnancy test at the end of the month!! PLEASE!

I just want to be a Mommy!

That's all I want..Honestly if I could take everything I have and trade it in for motherhood, I would.

So he's not leaving for Ft. Carson. That means we have this cycle to try and I've been trying to figure out my ovulation. Because of this stress of fighting, I don't even know if I'm going to ovulate. I do think I'm going to start back up temping. On this forum I'm reading, apparently it's more accurate if you stick it in your vagina or up the rear.

Maybe this is a sign that I'm going to get my pregnancy. Then again if I were to go off signs, I'd be pregnant back in March. I guess we'll see if 2011 holds a pregnancy for me. Please, please, please. I'd do ANYTHING to be a mother!

Timing is Everything!

Please, please, don't let my husband be gone for my ovulation time!!! In which I'll start testing on the 11th day (6/08). But if he leaves for Ft. Campbell he'll leave this weekend. :( Unless they take a base flight over there. Uggghh. Oh well, it's not like we can get pregnant naturally anyway.

If he passes then he'll get a deployment date then we can try up until then. If he fails then he'll deploy and I'm that much closer to IVF. So I guess either way it's a win, win for me.

A New Day

As far as the Sarah ordeal goes, I'm pretty much done with it. She's not worth my time, let alone any more of my thought. I did however ask my cousin to (since they talk) tell her to mail back my Dexter seasons. I want my stuff back..And my cousin didn't message me back right away, so I immediately jumped to conclusions that she sided with Sarah. Thank goodness that wasn't the case. I hate how Sarah had to be a cry baby and drag people into this. Completely childish. You would think someone with a college degree, mother of 2, and working on her master's would be more of an adult.

So now that I'm done talking about that, until I go home and my in-laws want to discuss it, now I can move onto more important things..such as my period ended today and around next weekend into early next week I will have my fertility window. However, if my husband passes his tests this week he will be going the week of my ovulation to Ft. Carson for his tests. If he fails, then he's kicked out to 509 and will deploy in 2 weeks. Then I'm only a year from IVF. I want him home for my ovulation! The military has awful timing.

Oh and since everyone is having their baby, there's now a new wave of pregnant women. I've been having to delete some new friends off my FB. Majority of them I don't really talk to them anyway. It just sucks that I can't be part of this new wave..that Mr. Stork, God, whoever chose my fucking SIL instead. Oooo have I got so much hate towards her. This holiday ought to be interesting, because I won't be present when she is. I am NOT going to sit there watching everyone fawn all over her bump. Absolutely refuse.

It sucks that I look like the bitch.

After much debate, I deleted my SIL from FB. I had the decency to send her a message before hand. She didn't return the favor. Instead, she goes whining to everyone else but me..My husband comes home and asks me if it was really necessary. Yes, yes it was. And if he bothered to even understand how I felt, then he wouldn't have to ask. So as a result, I look like the bitch.

My husband and I ended up fighting over it last night. I felt that he was siding with her. My husband hasn't been there for me during this hard time, even though he should be. Then I look on his FB today and come to find out, he messaged her trying to smooth things over. At the end he says that he's there for her and his brother if they need him. Seriously? Where the fuck have you been when I've been dealing with infertility issues alone? When it's not even my fault we can't have a baby? I know, I need to stop thinking like that, but I have soooo much sadness built up that's turning into anger.

She replies back and has the audacity to call me selfish, that she doesn't need me bringing her down, that she's talking to the wrong person about ttc, and that this is something that isn't to be forgotten. Excuse me??? She has no right to call me selfish, when she hasn't even bothered to talk to me about it. Her fucking ttc struggle has ended, she's blessed with twins and another on the way!!!! Her doctor didn't tell her there was nothing more they could do for her. They got lucky and Clomid worked for them on the fucking first try!!! So she has no god given right to sit there and say I don't know what struggling to conceive is. Guess what? I do because I'm still fucking going thru it!

So I sent her another message and this one was bitchy, I honestly don't care..If she can't bring herself to put herself in my shoes and really try to understand how I feel then that's not my fault. I said I was sorry, my first message was heartfelt. If she wants to hold it against me, then take it to your grave bitch. Never once did I say that I wanted nothing to do with her, I congratulated her on the news, told her I was happy for her deep down inside, but at the moment I just can't express it. If she's going to sit there and try to make me out to be the bad guy, then go right ahead. It just tells me what kind of person she is, a fake one.

If she doesn't respond this time, that tells me she has no sympathy or care to understand of what I'm going thru, and is placing the blame on me for our relationship falling apart. She'll be dead to me then. I mean it's unfortunate because when they come to visit, I will avoid her like the plague. But I wasn't the one who said nasty comments to her husband. I just can't call someone like that family.

I wish I didn't feel anything.

I wish that I didn't have any emotions, if that makes sense. I'm just tired of feeling sad and down in the dumps all the time.

Brought myself to congratulate my SIL on her pregnancy. Of course she didn't acknowledge the fact that we're struggling with ttc, she just basked in her glory. Which makes me more in favor of deleting her from my FB..I don't feel like seeing pregnancy related statuses, bump, or ultrasound pics. It will just make me feel even worse about my situation..Out of sight, out of mind. Just what I have to do to keep my sanity and to keep moving forward.

Not only am I going to have the weight of my husband's deployment on my shoulders, but that means the end of trying naturally and one step closer to IVF..I just didn't need this right now. I keep telling myself it's just a nightmare. An ongoing one at that.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Please someone tell me. I just don't understand how people like Casey Anthony or that woman who microwaved her baby can be mothers but I can't??