Fucking Mad!

My lovely DH who is in complete denial of IF and most likely ashamed of it, had yet to tell his parents we were not going to be there for Christmas. It's not that I want to stay away from them, I do want to visit..but I'll lose it if I get around the pregnant daughter. I can't endure that pain. It's already enough, that I have to live with IF on a daily basis.

Well today I find out that he finally told his mother about it. Apparently she was less than pleased and had a few not so nice things to say regarding the matter. I can understand her being not too happy about it, but have some respect for the tough time I'm going through. I'm sorry my depressed, anxiety ridden, infertile self interferes with your fertile, fucking Christmas!!! My riding on the brink of insanity, breakdowns, and hopeless thoughts are just an inconvence. I should just set aside my feelings, mental health, slap on a fake smile and pretend I'm happy just to please everyone else. No, fuck that!!

I will not risk my mental health just to please you people. You don't seem to agree. What does that say about you? Do you really have my best interests in mind? No, you don't.

Have no mercy!

I feel like a big bitch today. I am so PMS-y it's not even the least bit comical. Anyone who even looks at me strangely will get an earful. I'm not in the mood!

Regarding My Old FB Account

On my old FB, I started to be a little more open about IF. Surprisingly when I did, 3 of my friends came forward and talked to me about their struggles. One I knew had recently lost a set of twins LTTC for 7yrs, the other said she had been NTNP for 3years with an irregular cycle, and the last girl had 2 miscarriages LTTC for 2years.

Well the second girl fell pregnant in Dec 2010, only to lose her baby the day of his birth in July (they had to take him early) from CDH. I haven't spoken with her to find out if she's gotten pregnant again. The girl who had TTC for 7years got pregnant on her second round of IVF. She got pregnant last year the same month as my SIL (I hate). It was rather kind of her to tell me later in the year via PM. Now, the last girl I found out is expecting their child next year. So all of those girls who came out to me, have all had a pregnancy but me. Although it sucks still being childless, I consider myself lucky not to have suffered any physical losses.

And my SIL have completed their families, so that leaves me. Unless of course my other two BILs decide to marry, which I don't see happening. It looks like I'm next. Come on 2013!!!!!

Seriously, Jessica Simpson?!

What are you, the new Tori Spelling? Fucking breeder.

 I'm just unimpressed that she's pregnant again. Didn't she just have one like yesterday? 7 months, same thing. I just can't stand those women who pop them out one right after the other. I'm looking at you, Michelle Duggar. But that's a whole other argument. That woman can't even parent the whole lot she has. More importantly, how in the world do women do that shit??!! Or even want to do that? I would want to take the time to get to know and enjoy my first child. Perhaps Jessica Simpson is too stupid to know she needed to get back on BC if she wasn't planning another. I mean I know I don't need BC because I'm IF, but what excuse do the fertiles have? None!

Anyways, it's nearing AF's arrival and I'm less than pleased my 28th birthday is round the corner. I'm not sweating bullets in terms of age and IF, because I know I have a bit of time. However, when I hit that 30 mark and am still childless...panic will certainly set in. Great.

I suppose I made a friend in a pregnant cow

Lately I've been feeling emotional over LTTC...that I've been ending up in tears at work. Embarrassing.  Nothing regarding work whatsoever, it's just that I've reached my breaking point.

I was busy cranking away at work when the newly pregnant one tried to announce her pregnancy to me, and my workmate (who I had been previously disappointed in) interrupted her. Thank god. Then I walked to the stockroom to get more supplies and I had realized they had talked about me. I figured my workmate reminded the pregnant cow about my infertility.

Anyways, we were in the lounge later and it was a bit awkward. I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained the IF and how I feel towards pregnant women, hoping she wouldn't take it personal. Sort of used to being judged by now and called selfish. Surprisingly, she understood and wasn't at all offended.  I had mini breakdown #2 and she even gave me a hug. Thus resulting in some sort of friendship. *Sigh*

I also learned about her that their situation isn't the greatest as she's the only one working, he got medically discharged from the Army. They also live with his grandparents. She'd rather move in with her mother in GA, before the baby comes. Meaning, I won't have to see her belly grow and she'll be moving before too long.

Another thing that's been bothering me is every time my husband's parents call, they ask when we're coming to visit. He always spouts off, he isn't sure and moves onto another topic. I've repeatedly told him to tell them the truth instead of dodging the question. It's because I didn't have a good Christmas last year with hearing all about SIL (I hate)'s pregnancy.  Because I don't feel like being around the other pregnant SIL's 8 month bump and crying everyday! It's so much harder to face a pregnancy in the family, than a pregnant cow on the street I can scold and run away from. I'm faced with the fact we're the only ones who haven't conceived and they've even completed their families! I have to see that motherly love being dangled in front of my face. It's just too hard to face it anymore.

Did you hear the one about the infertile and pregnant woman at the cinema?

No of course you didn't, because it's not going to happen! Ever. Well unless of course I'm visiting a pregnant former IF mate and she wants to go to see a film. Or unless the unthinkable happens and I'm pregnant too.

My workmate and I have had plans to see the newest installment of Twilight. Knowing very well of my struggles (in fact I told her about what happened at work) she goes and invites the new pregnant one to go along. Ugh! Really?! I then proceeded to explain that I am not comfortable around pregnant women in general. It has been known to trigger an anxiety attack. Extreme, I know. It's bad enough I have to work with her. Though normally I don't work with her, we tend to work opposite shifts. So why in the world would I want to socialize with her??!!

I'm starting to realize fertile people don't think really think of IF people. That's why I'm starting to give more thought to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, when I say it. However, I think you need to put yourself first when people don't give any thought to you. I'm not wanting a pity party or any sympathy, just for people to use common logic. I think that makes sense.

Here's something that gave me a chuckle. A bit tacky, but funny nonetheless.

I'm such a twat

Reason being, I had a mental breakdown in front of the former pregnant cow at work.
1. IMO, and I'm so hard on myself, having a breakdown is a sign of weakness. I'm not a weak person.
2. I HATE having a breakdown in front of someone I'm not fond of. I feel as if their reaction, sympathy is forced and false.
3. She told me someone else at work was pregnant. I did not care to know that!!!!! Let's trigger my depression why don't we?

I'm trying not to be hard on myself because these things do happen and I couldn't help it. I've been through a lot already and it looks like it's not letting up any time soon. Also this time of the year triggers a lot of heartache being another birthday, wishing for a baby this Christmas again, and the end of 2012.

Can I just forward to next year and be done with this shit year? In fact, can I just forward to the part of my life to where I'm a mother? Please? :(

Infertile Thanksgiving #2

It really feels like Infertile Thanksgiving #45,736.

We didn't go home for this Thanksgiving. Thank God! Instead of staying at home and being losers, we got invited by one of his mates to have dinner at their home. They have 2 older children (teenage), so there was no uncomfortable baby talk. Also no living room full of baby and family pictures. No "Grandkids" collage photo frame that I felt like ripping down and throwing across the room. It was a nice adult Thanksgiving. That I was very, very thankful for.

I Need an Escape

Isn't there some sort of remote island I can travel to that's reasonably priced with no women or children? Preferably hot cabana boys in speedos. I just need a break from my life. The end of the year and another birthday is coming down on me. I'm not ready for either.

We were eating at a busy little diner today and our waitress stopped in front of our table to talk to someone several feet away and discuss her pregnancy. Of all the tables in the diner, let's stop in front of the IF's while they're trying to enjoy lunch. Grrrr.

I also feel really guilty about not going home this Christmas. I already suggested my DH go and visit and I'll stay at my mother's. But he's not having it. It's a lose, lose situation all the way around. Do I go around the pregnant SIL and his family just to please them and be miserable, or do I stay away and have them being upset with me? I'm the one who has to live with IF and the depression-anxiety it brings...so when I can avoid those situations I do it for the sake of my sanity. I wish they understood. But they never will, because they never had to endure that pain.

Anxiety over something else today.

Today I start my clinicals at a long term care facility, i.e. old people home. I'm scared beyond belief. It's not so much the elderly people themselves, but that place and what it represents. I kind of feel like it's a hospice because they're for the rest of their lives. A little bit of despair and depression hang over it.

I remember when I was 9 and we visited my granny in the home. She wasn't herself. She was cursing everyone out, including her nurse and own family. My great uncle had to shoo the children out the room, because that is not how he wanted us to remember out granny. She ended up passing a couple of weeks later after my grandmother. I can't get that clip from my past out of my head. Hopefully, I'll be alright later.

Also today my mother was wondering if we were going to visit for Christmas. I'm not sure because I cannot be around my pregnant SIL right now. Her DH is getting out of the Navy soon and she's staying at her parents during this transition. In which, it all seems to be an extremely bad idea because how will they support their children. She cannot work, because she has to take care of them...neither of them have a degree and the economy is still shit. They should've seriously waited to have another. It's not like they're getting old or dealing with IF.

I'm not in the mood for Christmas anyway. Santa still hasn't brought me what I've been asking for the 3rd Christmas now. I'd just rather not be around family, children, and pregnant women, trying to fake happiness. It's just not happening.

Looking Back

As I'm turning back the IF time clock (that still continues to tick) and read through my entries, I start to cry.

I remember a time when I used to be a happy, go lucky (ok, not really lucky) girl who was ok with her life. I used to have fun. LTTC has worn me down into this sad, depressed, bitter, tired, woman. I know now in life that the things don't go according to plan. Some things are even unplanned. I can't get even get a pregnancy that's unplanned, much less planned. It's something I was designed for, but I can't fulfill that void. Something yet so simple and natural, I cannot do it. My husband and I can't accomplish it. And it's the worst feeling in the world. It's hard to live your life this way. I don't want to go through this, I don't want to feel this way....it's not something I can just get over. This isn't something I chose for myself.

Anymore, I don't believe there's a light at the end of my tunnel. It's dark, there's nothing for me.

Pregnancy, what is really the big deal?!

I got that you're doing a magical thing and spawning, you get to carry around a bump, have bragging rights on Fakebook, get a party thrown for you, get fussed over, whine about morning sickness, carry on the family name if you're married, and your vagina stretches(cool?). Seriously, what IS the big deal about pregnancy? Why must pregnant women insist that you bend over backwards for them and you're being selfish if you're not cooing over their evident bump? Do you need me to give you a gold star, an A for excellence since you're fertile? I mean it's not like it's going into the World Records book, or are you having some sort of national holiday devoted to it.

Sure if I see an 8 month pregnant woman whom no one else is giving up their seat on public transport for, I'll get up. Mainly to move to another side so I don't have to stare at her. If you're a few months pregnant, don't act special and need everyone to play musical chairs for you.

I suppose because I'm an infertile cow, I'm missing the big picture of pregnancy. I know that my body and mind want a baby. I know that I'll be a fantastic mother. But, I still don't see the massive fuss about procreation and why must one share it with everyone. Is it to get more baby gifts at your baby shower?
Because I've seen mothers to be make off with truckloads of stuff..and they had a decent attendance at their shower. I thought a pregnancy is something you share with your husband-finace or boyfriend (if he's around) and family. Honestly, they're the only ones that care. Your neighbor who you're talking their ear off, doesn't give a rat's arse. Also, any infertile friends don't either....they just wish to strangle you.

Maybe I'm getting bitter because it's nearing the end of the year and I'm about to tack on yet another year of battling IF. Every period gets incredibly tiresome. Dealing with it emotionally is also getting old. I'm just so exhausted from trying to get somewhere when I'm really getting nowhere at all.

FUCK YOU, INFERTILITY.