Looking Back

As I'm turning back the IF time clock (that still continues to tick) and read through my entries, I start to cry.

I remember a time when I used to be a happy, go lucky (ok, not really lucky) girl who was ok with her life. I used to have fun. LTTC has worn me down into this sad, depressed, bitter, tired, woman. I know now in life that the things don't go according to plan. Some things are even unplanned. I can't get even get a pregnancy that's unplanned, much less planned. It's something I was designed for, but I can't fulfill that void. Something yet so simple and natural, I cannot do it. My husband and I can't accomplish it. And it's the worst feeling in the world. It's hard to live your life this way. I don't want to go through this, I don't want to feel this way....it's not something I can just get over. This isn't something I chose for myself.

Anymore, I don't believe there's a light at the end of my tunnel. It's dark, there's nothing for me.