Wardrobe Malfunction

I can honestly say I've never suffered a nip slip, ripping my trousers in public, etc. Although last year when I was at a waterpark my bikini bottoms nearly came off when I went down the slide. Thank goodness that was unsuccessful, I didn't get a Brazilian done!

Until today....

I selected my khaki pants from the closet and slipped them on. When I went to go partially zip them, my hand fumbled at nothing. WTH? While taking a closer look at my trousers I noticed my zipper had split and was on one side of the track. Maybe I could just slip it back in with a little force. Wrong. It wouldn't come back together. On one side of the track, it was coming apart from the seam. Great, I have less than 20 minutes to get my bum to work. I took my other khakis out of the closet, I was lucky enough to get them over my big butt, however the zipper wouldn't even zip an inch. Shit. So I fumble around the flat for a safety pin to pin them at the bottom. Not a damn one! I can't go to work with my fly hanging all the way open! I ended up rolling my belly band far enough to cover the opening so people wouldn't catch a peek at my floral granny panties. Sexy, right?

Then I got to thinking how on earth did these pants bust? My bump is still small! These pants happen to be a size bigger than I normally wear. I've come to the conclusion that the wash machine messed them up. Or at least I'll keep telling myself that. Lol. DH couldn't stop chuckling and said it reminded him of the advert of where several people's trousers burst open and buttons go flying! So sweet.

I wonder if this is a normal part of pregnancy, busting the zipper on your pre pregnant trousers? Lol.

Still seems unreal.

Warning, this may get a little dramatic. However, I feel the need to air this out of my mind.

As I'm entering the second trimester, I still feel like this is all a dream. I've got a small bump and my symptoms are easing as the placenta takes over, but mentally I just don't feel it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling detached from my baby. I love my avocado and hope he/she comes out healthy. It's just that mentally I have a hard time grasping that I'm a pregnant woman.

You see with infertility, I spent the last 2 years telling myself it wasn't going to happen as I watched family members, friends, colleagues join the mommy club (sometimes have a membership!). I couldn't picture myself as a mother, I didn't have any dreams with my future child. Instead, I had a miscarriage nightmare. As I felt more alone infertility, I could see my relationship with in-laws deteriorating. Even with my own mother, as she told me infertility was something I needed to,''get over". I invested time and energy into school to run away from it all.

I guess what I can't really wrap my mind around is who or maybe what, chooses who gets pregnant and who suffers continuously from IF. What sets one woman apart from the other? It's not entirely natural selection. Sure, that plays a role in genes. But what about those infertile, are their traits deemed unfavorable enough to not pass on? I wish someone had the answer to infertility.

Then there's times I feel like I'm less than deserving of this pregnancy because I can't close the door to IF. I feel bad because I:
- didn't suffer a decade from IF
- didn't religiously use OPKs and track my temperature.
- am not older and running out of time
- mentally shoved it to the bottom of my priority list and didn't think about IF as much as I previously did
- didn't cry over IF as much as others
-didn't suffer any loss or failed fertility treatment
- or didn't give it everything I got since the beginning of 2013

Even though I know IF is not a race and everyone's journey is unique, I feel that women who fall in what I've mentioned above deserve a baby just as much, if not more than I do. Infertility really shapes your mind and affects you for the rest of your life, even if you fall pregnant.

Boobs and bras

I remember the first time in primary school my mother dragged me into the bra shop to be fitted. By no means did I have some knockers, it was just time to wear a bra. The saleswoman didn't make it any less awkward measuring my A chest. Just give me this white little number and let's be done with it. Too bad bra shopping doesn't get any easier as you age!

Wednesday my husband took me shopping in Nashville and I had to return to the maternity shop. Yes, the one where I argued with that ignorant twat about stretch mark cream. Lol. I had no choice as my bras were starting to cut into me and needed to purchase some. As I walked in, she gave me a fake salesperson hello. Wonderful. I went up to the maternity bra wall, and started picking out a few wireless numbers to try on. Maybe that will be comfortable? I'm not entirely sure of the difference between regular bras and maternity, they looked the same to me. Snooty saleswoman buzzes over trying to give her input, I tell her I'm just ready for a fitting room.

Bra number 1 slide all over my chest. I suppose if you have zero wires, you're relying on the foam for support. Bra number 2 looked like something my 85yr old grandmother would wear. I felt like I needed gold bangles up my arms, a caftan, and a pack of Virginia Slims to complete the look. I didn't even bother with Bra number 3. Cue annoying saleswoman, who materialized out of thin air. She then takes it upon herself to load me up with 3 wired bras and sends me back in the dressing room. Why do I feel like I'm 12 again?! Lol.

These bras looked like ones I already at home! My 12yr old self flashed before my eyes, remembering how much I hated trying on bras because it takes hours and I can't ever find the right one. Marched out of the fitting room without trying on the bras, I already knew they weren't the right ones. And why the hell did she slip another grandmother bra in there? She must still be bitter about the stretch mark argument. Threw the bras on the counter, told her I wasn't going with any bras today and would rather have that lovely purple maxi featured in the window. Gladly left that place, and hopefully won't have to go back!

Damn it!

I made a post yesterday with some images of sexy men, but they didn't show up! Grrrr. They were there for viewing pleasure when I finished the post! They were by no means in the buff, and very PG-13. Just pisses me off.

Speaking of pissing me off, I had to listen Sunday to former whiny pregnant cow bitch about her previous pregnancy. She said something about how she didn't sit down at work till about the third trimester, which is a bold faced lie because she is one lazy cow. I'm sitting down because I have 8hr work days with a half hour lunch and barely any breaks in between. It's bullshit. I also know that standing on your feet, you will be at risk for blood pooling in your legs leading to a clot, which can possibly result in embolism. I won't risk anything happening to my child. You bet your bottom dollar I will sit on my arse when necessary!

Anyways, she went on and on about how horrible her pregnancy was with the MS, how bad her feet ached, blah, blah. If I wasn't standing several feet away from her and a supervisor was also within earshot, I would've smacked the shit out of her. You were not high-risk and you had 0 complications, twatbag! You're just a whiny cow who loves to complain to anyone who listen. Instead I had to settle with rolling my eyes at her and walking away. Even though I'm expecting, it's still offensive to whine about your pregnancy like that. STFU and be grateful that you get to experience it!

Argument over stretch marks.

I'm not fussed by stretch marks, I've got them from losing gaining weight, and on my boobs (I used to be a very flat A cup). I'm about to be in a D cup very soon. My are faded white, and a few purple ones on my boobs. I also know with pregnancy you're bound to get them, unless you have fantastic genes. Bring on the stripes!

Weeks back, my husband and I were in Nashville doing some shopping. I decided to set foot in one of those maternity shops for some bands to go around my jeans. Brought them to the register and the sales woman was trying to sell more items...being completely ignorant to motherhood, I nearly caved in.

This cow showed me this organic stretch mark serum and cream, that was supposed to some miracle potion in a bottle. I would get no stretch marks if I spent an extra $30 on this. I sniggered and looked at her stating, "Unless you have good genes, you will get stretch marks. They're unavoidable". She starts arguing with me about stretch marks!! Look bitch, your skin is made up of 75% of collagen; collagen is not elastic. Therefore when the skin stretches to it's limits, it tears and new collagen grows in leaving a mark! This is hereditary. Therefore if your mother has stretch marks from previous pregnancies, then you will most likely as well. Ok I didn't call her a bitch, but I explained it physiologically. She still didn't look like she grasped the concept, when I told her I wasn't buying the damn creams.

I may be ignorant when it comes to motherhood, but not when it comes to my body. I actually did buy some cheap over the counter lotion from the drugstore, but only for my itchy skin.

The biggest fear

The only thing that has bothered thus far in first tri, is fear of miscarriage.

Some of the first emotions you face when finding out you're pregnant after struggling with infertility is: shock, disbelief, happiness, excitement, then....fear. My reproductive system has been lagging in proper function for so long, what makes me think this is truly it? How can I trust my body now? What if I lose this baby? It wouldn't be fair, because I've tried longer than average fertile woman. Then again life isn't fair. Infertility is certainly not fair.

I was terrified because of the horrible cramps I was having. I understand the uterus stretching to accommodate the growing embryo, but these were menstrual like. With the endometriosis, I'm at risk for an ectopic pregnancy. I would analyze every piece of toilet paper for any spots of blood. Also, I expressed my concerns to the OB hoping he would scan me early. If an ectopic isn't caught early on, you risk losing a tube. An ectopic would no doubt hurt (emotionally and physically), but I couldn't lose a tube. I didn't want any more strikes against me than I already had. He ushered me home and dismissed my fears. I sat at home stewing in my own fear and anxiety waiting for my first scan. Mentally, preparing myself for a miscarriage, ectopic, even a blighted ovum...I told myself to get ready for the worst news but hope for the best.

Four long weeks later, I arrived at the OB's office a nervous wreck. I only hear bad news at OB's office (minus the news 4 weeks ago). My infertile side glared at the heavily pregnant women waddling past me to check in. Finally we were called back, more waiting for the doctor. He brought out the dildo cam to check where the baby was and if there was a heartbeat. I was so petrified, I couldn't even look at the screen. My husband was silent, maybe it was because he'd never had this experience. The doctor asked me to turn my head and look at the screen. I saw the flickering of the heart and the baby was where it was supposed to be. Thank goodness!! The doctor then told me this was a very good sign and that my chances of miscarrying significantly dropped to 5%. While I'm more relieved, the small statistic is still daunting. Anyone can be that statistic.

I'm actually jealous of how the average infertile woman gets to react to her pregnancy. She's, "over the moon". That saying actually annoys the shit out of me. I'm not saying that fertile woman cannot have the fear of miscarriage, but infertiles are used to preparing for the worst outcome. It's unfortunate that infertility can still hurt you, even when you get to the light at the end of your journey.

Calling out all whiny cows!

As I stated in my last post, some pregnant women just want a pity party. Yeah, vomiting up stomach acid, nausea, getting bigger, cankles (damn, you can't strap on your sexy DVF wedges) isn't fun. BUT, you have a opportunity to carry and grow your child. I know a couple of women who will never be able to do that. Be grateful for that you are experiencing this, the good greatly outweighs the bad.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'd like to point out the "difficult", and bitched about times during pregnancy. Note, this doesn't include women who are having a complicated pregnancy or are high risk.

1. Morning sickness. Boohoo. Puking isnt fun, but it can be part of the baby deal. It's most prominent in the first tri, but is possible to last throughout the pregnancy. Yeah, I've thrown up some, but I ate some salty crackers, ginger ale, and brush my teeth, then go about my day. Also as long as you eat small meals, stay away from junk or greased foods, then you will be fine. True story. For now, suck it up.

2. Weight gain. Seriously?! We can't all be those women who gain just a belly. Your arse is gonna grow, your boobs, and thighs. Your body has to accommodate the life growing inside of you, if you look like a house, keep in mind someone is renting for a short while!! Also don't take that eating for 2 to heart. You're only supposed to consume an extra 300 Kcal a day. Perhaps lay off the Taco Bell and donuts. It's better for baby if you eat fruit.

3. Cankles. Maybe you should take a closer look at your sodium intake. And keep your feet elevated. Or don't step out of your home because you can't be seen with cankles. It's nothing to cry over and comes with the territory.

4. Clothes not fitting or maternity wear is hideous. Duh, you're going to gain weight! Yes, maternity wear is very matronly. But what do you want, you're gonna be a mother? Sorry you can't wear you're boobalicious tops anymore.

5. I'm so tired all the time. Ok, first tri can be tiresome...this is the major part of growth and development of your baby. You don't have energy to even change out of your pjs. The simple and most logic answer is to let the house chores slide, cut down a day at work, and get more rest. You're tired, go to bed!!! I do!

There's probably more but I just highlighted the ones I hear most about. I wouldn't dare say any of these make pregnancy difficult to cope with. Getting pregnant for some is the hardest part!! In my opinion, 9 months of pregnancy is a piece of cake compared to years of infertility. There's no comparison at all.

Have I turned into a schizo?

Okay I know I have not literally turned into a schizophrenic, but it sure feels like I have an alternate personality!

Let me explain, I know we all know women who have went from infertility to pregnancy and miraculously forgot where they came from. All of a sudden they've turned into this pregnant cow moaning about morning sickness, when they were bitching about those ungrateful women to begin with! Honestly, I don't know how those women turn off their infertile mind....it most certainly doesn't shut off like that. You spent so long thinking in terms of infertility, it became part of who you are. It doesn't change that quickly.

Note: Unless those women are having true complications with the pregnancy or high risk due to severe medical reasons, pregnant women who bitch about every little niggling thing about pregnancy (morning sickness, tiredness, swollen feet, etc.) who go on to compare it to the difficulty of infertility, are nothing but whiny ass cows looking for a pity party.

Scenarios that have happened thus far, leading me to believe I have an alternate personality:

1. I went to the department store to look at baby items that were on offer, picked up a item I needed, then aimlessly browsed the rest of the store. When I reached checkout, I had an assortment from different areas of the store. The cashier was ringing my purchase then proceeded to ask me if I needed a gift receipt for the baby item. I stared at her dumbfounded, not being able to answer. Then I found my voice, that said no and told her it was for me. Why did I have to sit there pondering the item?! I nearly forgotten it was for my personal use. I'm thinking that was the infertile side of me, that looked at her like a deer in headlights. Then the pregnant side finally found her voice and answered.

2. I was getting out of the car from being at class in our flat's parking lot. I noticed the young mother from the second level was struggling to put her twins in the car. I've briefly mentioned her and she hasn't exactly been warm to me. Usually I walk past her with my nose turned up at her obvious fertile -ness, but today I took pity upon her and asked if she needed assistance. She politely declined, then then we had a conversation about pregnancy, her giving me clothing the boys outgrew, to me telling her to come knock on my door if she needed help with them! The conversation ended, I walked back up to my flat and sat down on the sofa. The infertile side came right out and asked, "WTH was that?!". I've never spoken to the girl, and now I act like I'm in the Mommy Club! Her and I certainly not the same! While it was kind of me to offer help, as I have experience with twins, what if she starts whinging about being a mother to 2?! The infertile side of me would strangle her!

As you see thus far, it's a strange transition from infertility to pregnancy. You don't feel pregnant, but have seen the physical confirmation. You don't feel like you can identify with other mothers, and especially other pregnant women. In fact, I caught the infertile side of me still giving heavily pregnant women foul looks! Oh and I definitely still analyze every piece of toilet roll after I wiped for any spot of blood. Old habits really do die hard! Lol.

*Warning* of Content

 I'm not sure how I got to this point, because for 3 years sex and trying has got me no results. Since he's not deploying and getting medically discharged eventually, the doors for alternative treatment shut and locked. I didn't do anything special, make a wish on a star,  i definitely didn't stop trying, drink nasty grapefruit juice, take pills, or any of that garb. Also, I thought my chances were slim to none with his slow and low count sperm and my endometriosis. I can't even say it is out of sheer dumb luck, because I happen to be an unlucky person!

But I am eternally grateful that this is happening, I feel very humbled to have this experience. Especially if it is just this one time.

I will be changing the name and a little of the content of this blog. Nothing has changed, except for my health status. The funny thing is my infertile mind hasn't changed either. It doesn't shut off, or switch over to "Mommy mode". The new title will be "An Infertile Mind in A Pregnant Body", about me finding a place when you're in between the infertile world, and the other fertiles. There will be dry humor and me, finding myself feeling fraudulent amongst other pregnant women.

If you choose to unfollow me, I absolutely understand. I hope my content will provide you with some support, when you soon find yourself in my shoes. Xx

Does a drama free work place exist?

Now would've been perfect timing to tell work to fuck off and hand in my notice. They're trying to fire pregnant cow because she's been messing up printing jobs, people have been very displeased with her work, and she's lazy. She'll sit on her arse at the computer and take orders for other people to work on. The rule is whatever jobs you take, they're yours to complete unless you're going to be off for a certain amount of time. She doesn't check her work, and have customers check it over either. There's ridiculous mistakes such as printing upside down, or tons of spelling errors, work not centered, etc. Basically she does need to be canned, but there's an issue because she is pregnant and she fills our diverse quota. She can turn around and take out unemployment, which I'm guessing is her master plan all along. If she goes on maternity leave, she won't receive pay. Which she really can't afford, because she was whining the other day about affording baby stuff and diapers. You're like 7 months pregnant and you're still whining about that?! Perhaps you should've figured something out 4 months ago!

I'm just tired of it, because everyone bitches about her performance, management writes her up (she's had like 5 official write ups) but no one does anything about her! Me and some of the others refuse to pick up her slack. I don't get paid to do double the work. Fuck that. Hopefully she'll be gone before the month is over.

On a more positive note, my final average in Biology was a 99.48%. My professor was very impressed and tried to get me to sign up for his summer classes. Unfortunately, I cannot because of the pending move. My Anatomy final is next Wednesday and it doesn't seem too bad. I know I won't get top spot in that class, but I'll settle for a B since I messed up my cardio exam. It's only fair. All my Labs are done, so now I need to get cracking on my hefty AP book. Ugh.