Warning, this may get a little dramatic. However, I feel the need to air this out of my mind.
As I'm entering the second trimester, I still feel like this is all a dream. I've got a small bump and my symptoms are easing as the placenta takes over, but mentally I just don't feel it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling detached from my baby. I love my avocado and hope he/she comes out healthy. It's just that mentally I have a hard time grasping that I'm a pregnant woman.
You see with infertility, I spent the last 2 years telling myself it wasn't going to happen as I watched family members, friends, colleagues join the mommy club (sometimes have a membership!). I couldn't picture myself as a mother, I didn't have any dreams with my future child. Instead, I had a miscarriage nightmare. As I felt more alone infertility, I could see my relationship with in-laws deteriorating. Even with my own mother, as she told me infertility was something I needed to,''get over". I invested time and energy into school to run away from it all.
I guess what I can't really wrap my mind around is who or maybe what, chooses who gets pregnant and who suffers continuously from IF. What sets one woman apart from the other? It's not entirely natural selection. Sure, that plays a role in genes. But what about those infertile, are their traits deemed unfavorable enough to not pass on? I wish someone had the answer to infertility.
Then there's times I feel like I'm less than deserving of this pregnancy because I can't close the door to IF. I feel bad because I:
- didn't suffer a decade from IF
- didn't religiously use OPKs and track my temperature.
- am not older and running out of time
- mentally shoved it to the bottom of my priority list and didn't think about IF as much as I previously did
- didn't cry over IF as much as others
-didn't suffer any loss or failed fertility treatment
- or didn't give it everything I got since the beginning of 2013
Even though I know IF is not a race and everyone's journey is unique, I feel that women who fall in what I've mentioned above deserve a baby just as much, if not more than I do. Infertility really shapes your mind and affects you for the rest of your life, even if you fall pregnant.
You are not less deserving. Doesn't matter what *actions* have been taken, it's the feeling behind it.
ReplyDeleteYou wanted this. That's all that matters. For that alone, you are deserving of this.
When I read the blogs of pregnant infertile women, I realize that "infertility" is more than just the inability to conceive. It almost becomes a state of mind. For me, I can tell an infertile woman when she gets pregnant and still can't shed that skin. It's sad that infertility can poison to such depths.
Congratulations on the 2nd trimester! I hope that moving beyond the first trimester will allow you to relax and bloom.
xoxo
Could use some preggo pics ya know. I want to rub my screen for luck. :P
I need to give myself more credit than I allow. The last thing I want is infertility inhibiting me from enjoying my pregnancy.
DeleteIt's not big enough for any pictured yet, lol.