The biggest fear

The only thing that has bothered thus far in first tri, is fear of miscarriage.

Some of the first emotions you face when finding out you're pregnant after struggling with infertility is: shock, disbelief, happiness, excitement, then....fear. My reproductive system has been lagging in proper function for so long, what makes me think this is truly it? How can I trust my body now? What if I lose this baby? It wouldn't be fair, because I've tried longer than average fertile woman. Then again life isn't fair. Infertility is certainly not fair.

I was terrified because of the horrible cramps I was having. I understand the uterus stretching to accommodate the growing embryo, but these were menstrual like. With the endometriosis, I'm at risk for an ectopic pregnancy. I would analyze every piece of toilet paper for any spots of blood. Also, I expressed my concerns to the OB hoping he would scan me early. If an ectopic isn't caught early on, you risk losing a tube. An ectopic would no doubt hurt (emotionally and physically), but I couldn't lose a tube. I didn't want any more strikes against me than I already had. He ushered me home and dismissed my fears. I sat at home stewing in my own fear and anxiety waiting for my first scan. Mentally, preparing myself for a miscarriage, ectopic, even a blighted ovum...I told myself to get ready for the worst news but hope for the best.

Four long weeks later, I arrived at the OB's office a nervous wreck. I only hear bad news at OB's office (minus the news 4 weeks ago). My infertile side glared at the heavily pregnant women waddling past me to check in. Finally we were called back, more waiting for the doctor. He brought out the dildo cam to check where the baby was and if there was a heartbeat. I was so petrified, I couldn't even look at the screen. My husband was silent, maybe it was because he'd never had this experience. The doctor asked me to turn my head and look at the screen. I saw the flickering of the heart and the baby was where it was supposed to be. Thank goodness!! The doctor then told me this was a very good sign and that my chances of miscarrying significantly dropped to 5%. While I'm more relieved, the small statistic is still daunting. Anyone can be that statistic.

I'm actually jealous of how the average infertile woman gets to react to her pregnancy. She's, "over the moon". That saying actually annoys the shit out of me. I'm not saying that fertile woman cannot have the fear of miscarriage, but infertiles are used to preparing for the worst outcome. It's unfortunate that infertility can still hurt you, even when you get to the light at the end of your journey.