Judgement

I've faced this and so have many others, during infertility. We are judged on our feelings and choosing to protect them, rather than pleasing everyone else. You get judged if you're even considering modern medical treatments. Let it happen naturally. Yeah, for some it just can't...so mind your fertile business. I've noticed experienced mothers judging me in my choices for using disposable nappies instead of cloth and attempting to BF.

For Example:

I'll walk into a baby shop, just look at the cloth nappies and I'm attacked by some hippie skirt woman with a baby wrapped to her back trying to get me to convert to cloth. Are you trying to get me to convert to Judaism or sell me cloth nappies? They're like some sort of crazy cult. The earthy saleswoman then proceeds to, "educate" me with statistics. Which of course I've already done my homework and know what they are, those numbers aren't entirely conclusive because it depends on the cost of living in that area. You also need to factor in the hard water (85% of the US water) and special detergent you will need to buy just to get your nappies clean. In the long run it is cheaper, however you have to build a collection to get you started which can cost at least $500 upfront. Who wants to do that with all the expenses, baby or not, they have now? I'll politely decline, deal with the judgmental look she's giving me, and she'll hand me her business card in hopes I will change my mind. Lather, rinse, repeat. This happens in every baby shop I go into.

Just leave me alone, fertile bitches! I've faced enough judgment with IF, that I couldn't even control! Last time I checked personal choices are neither right, nor wrong.

Etsy Rant!

I'm not a crafty person. I can't sew a basic stitch if my life depended on it! This is why sites like Etsy and Folksy (although I wish more of the sellers would ship to the US) exist.

Since the news, I've been going a little mental on there ordering handcrafted items left and right. Majority of my items except for 2 have come in. The one I know will be shipped this Thursday and the other I have no damn idea!

I ordered these cute, thick little minky washcloths on Friday and I kept waiting for my ship date to be posted. Well, I log in my account to see that the shop owner is on holiday! There was no fair warning of it on her main page, and she didn't even bother with a courtesy email. Thus, I sent her a nasty email asking when the fuck was I going to get my order?!!

Of course I don't need the washcloths now; I wouldn't even be mad if she had sent me an email stating that she was going on holiday and would fill my order when she returned. But to leave my order pending and my payment already submitted? No, bitch. If they weren't so cute and at a good price, I'd cancel my order. I foresee a nasty, negative feedback coming her way.

Mother's intuition my arse

Nothing could stop me from shaking like a leaf this morning at my ultrasound. There was several times I wanted to lock myself in the loo and pee, or go back to the car.

The nice technician fired up sonogram system and squirted me with heated gel. The gel comforted me slightly, as you get a shock when it's cold. She rolled around on my belly and we could see such features as the femur, brain, spine, heart, opening of his mouth, and penis! This whole time the OB had me convinced we were having a girl, it turned out to be a boy. Nonetheless, I was still overjoyed. It didn't matter one way or another as long as he was healthy and every body part was functioning normally. I thought I would burst into tears because I thought this day would never come. Only one tear slid down my cheek as I smiled. He was a little stubborn not wanting to cooperate with the technician. He is his daddy's boy. Lol.

So my mother's intuition is shit. I shouldn't be surprised though, as I still operate like an infertile. Pregnant women still annoy me when they whine and bitch about their "rough" pregnancies. The baby aisle complete with HPTs, OPKs, and tampons still makes me cringe. In fact, I lingered in front of some tampons that were on offer yesterday like I needed them. I don't absentmindedly caress or rub my bump in public. I'm crap at taking my prenatals on time, and my sex life is still in the gutter (where it was during LTTC). Don't get me wrong, I'm overjoyed to be having this baby and certainly have connected with him. I'm just waiting for that infertile mind to shut off and mummy mode to take over. Then again, I suppose I can never escape infertility. No matter what, it's still a part of me.

Infertility still sits on your shoulder like a little devil

Remember how the first trimester is a complete mindfuck and your infertile mind is having difficulty wrapping itself around a pregnancy? It starts to pipe down in the second trimester. However, it is very vocal during the next scan.

I've got a 20 + 1week scan tomorrow. I'm nervous. If I'm honest, I was nervous the past few times when he's pulled out the Doppler.

The infertile side of me is trying to prepare myself for the worst. While I'm begging there is nothing wrong with my baby, I'm scared the technician will point out some deformity on the screen. If I hadn't been on the acne medication for nearly that whole 5 weeks, I wouldn't have a thing to to worry about. I just hope my baby is healthy.

That elusive, snooty Mother's Club

I've only gotten a peek, and it's overwhelming.

Three times now, I've went to look at gently used baby items on Craigslist. Each time the mothers have talked my ear off about baby products. One talked to me about cloth diapering to which brands are the best, to what sprayer I should buy for the loo. Is it for shitty messes? Do I just hold the baby and use the sprayer to hose her/him down? Another was demoing her pram collection (I thought you needed just one?). Hold on ladies, let me get a pen and paper to take notes. While I don't know half of what they're talking about, I make the right noises as I nod my head in agreement. Never have I ever felt so uneducated and ignorant in my life!

Breast feeding has come up a couple of different times. They ask what I'm going to do, as they raise their manicured judgmental eyebrows. On the tit, or at least try to, as women can be unsuccessful for numerous reasons. Ding, ding, right answer. If I would've said formula, they might have tackled me down and stripped me of my temporary Mummy club membership.

Is this what mother's do? Talk incessantly about baby products and attempt to educate other women about their motherhood experiences? Does that make them experts on the subject? The one woman I met that has 6 children and an enviable figure might have been an expert.

I've also noticed, I've been treated better by mothers. No longer am I ran over by prams, they move aside to accommodate me on the walkway. Fathers will wait and hold doors open for me. Mothers profusely apologize to me when their small children run smack dab into me. Before they would scream at their child to get their arse  over here, and not even throw a shrug of the shoulders my way. Not only did I feel like shit during LTTC, I was also treated like it! Bitches.

Beware of the Mother's club.

Let's talk about sex

I'd like to know the names and addresses of these pregnant women having porn star sex. They're full of shit!

My fanny is like the Sahara desert! I swear I washed off a cactus needle from down there. Me and DH attempted to have sex, twice. Fail. We failed both times. *sigh* Then he wanted to use saliva as a lubricant. No, thank you. The human mouth is full of plenty of bacteria. My normal flora failed me once and I got a UTI followed by a YI. I'd rather not go back there again. I'd rather use cooking spray!

Plus, there's only so many positions you can be blended into without it hurting. How do you have intercourse (enjoyable at that) during pregnancy? I feel like I need to repeat Sexual Education.

That dumb "I'm having their baby" television show

*Warning*  There will be some language in this post. But would you expect anything less from this page? It's not for the uber conservative.

I'm unsure if this show airs in the UK or Canada. If it does not, you're not missing out! They have the cream of the crop women, placing their unborn child for adoption. There's the women who already have 3 mouths to feed and can't afford the fourth (much less the other 3), ones who seemingly fail to use birth control when they have sex with their friends with benefits, teenagers, and a few university students who forgot to purchase the morning after pill. They whine and moan trying to figure how they got themselves in this mess. It seems to stem from some sob background story of an absent father figure, or their own mother placed them for adoption. I seem to think it's because they failed to pay attention in Sexual Education.

I find myself shouting at the television the fertile idiots should've used birth control. Even if you're low income, you can get it for free. Also being angry with their ignorance and fertility. Then there's times I find myself crying because they chose a lovely infertile couple to raise their child. But I'm back to rolling my eyes when a naive uni student keeps the baby, because her unemployed ex boyfriend said he would help raise the child. Please.

Rant round 2

Aside from the transition of infertile to pregnant woman, you also have deal with your ignorance on baby products. Especially if this is your first and even if you struggled with secondary infertility. It's a headache trying to figure out what you truly need versus falling into the baby marketing traps. You don't need a wipe or bottle warmer, a changing table, baby bath tub, or even baby washcloths! Before buying a pram, you will need to test drive it. Yes, I just said that. At the baby department store the other day, they literally had a leather clad bench with seat belts so you can "drive" your pram. Which leads me to my rant.....

I've done my homework on prams and narrowed it down to some choices. My SIL even agreed a pram is the most expensive baby item on the list. She had 3 prams she didn't really care for, sold 2 and still has 2 double pushchairs. I've also made a condensed baby items list and cut costs where we could. I've used vouchers, bought items on clearance, scoured Craigslist for deals, you name it. Just so we can have $$$ to invest in a pram.

Here's the problem....

My DH is throwing his toys out of the pram about the prices. The pram/pushchairs I've picked out range from 500USD to 729USD. Mind you these are quality, have large baskets (except for one) and have wheels that provide a smooth ride for baby. I plan on getting some use out of the pram since I'm passing on a baby carrier. I will also need to get my bum out walking to lose the baby weight. DH thinks it's too much money and is pushing me to find cheaper options. I've explained to him all my valid arguing points. It falls on deaf ears. When it comes to prams, you get what you pay for!!! They have prams out on the market for 1200USD! I explained it will be more expensive if we end up having a pram graveyard. Then we'll really have wasted money, because I won't use any of them!

Men, they think they know everything.

A couple of infertile rants

1. The Duchess needs to pop out the royal baby already. I'm tired of hearing about it.  Also, poor Zara. She announces at the peak of the excitement over the royal baby. I dare say no one cares.

2. My mother bought me a couple of pregnancy books. It is a nice gesture since I'm wrapping my brain around the pregnancy. However, one of them is titled, "Pregnancy Sucks". Seriously?! Is that appropriate to give someone who has suffered from infertility? I didn't feel like arguing with her (very worn out from the week) and just stuffed it in my suitcase. Needless to say, it will be making it's way to the resale shop.

This isn't an infertile one...

3. I don't know what gives people the right to touch your pregnant belly? I've had 5 people do it so far, one actually asked...but everyone else rubbed me like I was Buddha! I mean would you approach a portly man and rub his belly? No!

Did I just throw a tantrum in the store?

I can see SIL (the one I like) needed to get out of the house, since her daily routine was becoming rather redundant. So I asked if she wanted to go shopping at this large baby department store in the city. She agreed, as she was needing some baby items. We packed the children and left on our adventure.

We were throwing items in our carts left and right. They had this fantastic offer on these sleep sacks, buy one get one half. I put two gender neutral size M ones in my cart, as they are thin and will be used for warmer months. Though on the rack that had the BOGO sign, there was only one M. I went over to another rack to pull a M off as they were the same sleeping sack and priced the same. We went on about shopping until we got to the checkout.

The cashier starts scanning my items and then comes across the sleep sacks. As it turns out only one of my sleep sacks qualified for the offer, and the other had not. Excuse me? They're the same item, just a different pattern. She explained that the ones on offer were discontinued prints. That's fine, however I want two size M and there is no more on the offer rack. A 1 year old isn't going to want to be in a sleep sack, it would be silly to buy a large! I kindly asked if her manager would honor the one at half off as there are no more Mediums. The manager declined stating what the cashier told me. Then I was annoyed, but understood and decided against the items because I wasn't getting a deal. I was frustrated and walked back to the register leaving the cashier to speak with the manager. The children were getting restless anyways. It was time to leave. Surprisingly the cashier comes back and says they'll give it to me at half off.

I got a little embarrassed and apologized to the cashier telling her I wasn't arguing with them, or throwing my toys out of the pram. I'm sure the frustration showed on my face, but I didn't kick up a stink to get my way. Lol. She told me it was fine and I wasn't being difficult and understood my stance on getting the correct size. Also, she agreed the signing was confusing for customers since the other rack of sleep sacks 3 feet over aren't on offer. Perhaps, they should be more clear on their advertisements.

Maybe I didn't throw a tantrum then? Lol. I blame it on the hormones.

Hemmarhoid talk at the dinner table

It's certainly been entertaining, I will say that. From my 3year old niece weeing in the garden, then throwing a tantrum she wanted to poo out there as well (SIL scolded her and dragged her to the toilet) to MIL bringing up my hemmarhoids at the dinner table. That is not proper dinner time conversation!

I suppose she saw my rhoid wipes in the loo. Then went on about how she had external rhoids with the twins and couldn't walk normal. I got a lovely image in my head, thank you MIL.

Thankfully, they've been nice about my pregnancy. I'm surprised there's been no, "I told you so, it will happen when it happens" comments. Although MIL asked if I was carrying twins. Everyone else told me I'm spot on for 17 weeks. I am not the size of a house just yet!

Not a dull moment with the in-laws.