Don't ever tell me "It will happen when it happens."

 The only people who believe that are those who aren't even trying for a baby and either A. already have one, B. those who have previously tried then gave up then it magically happened, or C. those who don't have any children period, let alone a husband, and then you have your D. optimists.

 I will seriously cause the next person who says that to me physical pain. Guess why it's not going to happen when it happens, because my husband has a fucking low sperm count! Yes, it was confirmed yesterday that my husband has a low count. So I'm doing everything the websites say to increase them. No more hot baths, taking his multivitamin, and cutting out the tobacco. There's nothing we can do about the stress, and even stressed out people conceive babies. Also the baby and medical websites have listed if this doesn't increase the sperm, then either A. we try forever naturally or B. we look into insemination or IVF which will cost an arm and a leg. Why must a natural act that's supposed to be free cost the same as a new car?

  As I stated last time, we have this cycle and maybe next to conceive naturally. After that he deploys for a year..we'll see how I'll hold up. I'm probably going to fall apart and end up in a psycho ward. Great now I'm crying again. I just stopped crying today, I couldn't stop the tears yesterday. I wish we had the money to do the insemination now, but we're going to have to wait. Oh I forgot to mention when I received the results, I called my gyno to see what was the next move for me. He said it would be a waste of time to run any more tests on me, and to put me on Clomid since my husband is the one with the issue. Then he referred me to a fertility specialist in Saint Louis. Extremely heartbreaking and devastating to hear those words, to be told that you are at that point you didn't you think you would be at.

 To top it off, my husband doesn't want IVF but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So that's causing a rift in our marriage. Honestly, I don't want to have to go thru any of this but if that's my only choice then I have to.

  Of course this stress is put on me right before my ovulation time. When I'm slightly counting for this time or maybe next to be it.

 Where does one draw the line at trying to conceive naturally? Do you wait till this last minute, his cut off age and your before you try to do the fertility treatments? Do you do it when we'll have some of the $?

 I guess my answer is to try these last maybe 2 months and then when he comes back from deployment, take what money we have and try the insemination, then the IVF if that doesn't work.

I feel like I want to rip every last hair out of my head!

Seriously life, stop making me jump thru hoops to get what I want!!!

    So results are done on my husband's sperm analysis and he has a low sperm count. Greeatt. Like I specified we're going to have to have sex on the exact day I ovulate. In which I don't understand how it can take men with low sperm count longer to conceive when it only takes one sperm to fertilize an egg. Even when we've had sex on the right day, still nothing.

  I called my gyno's office to see if I can turn in the document and schedule an appointment to see if I can get on the Clomid. Of course I have one more test to go thru, but seeing as he's booked till March I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Waiting till March isn't an option, I don't have till March. Once I clear one hoop, now I got to figure out how I'm going to get thru the next one which happens to be on fire! WTF? Can I not catch a break?

Then in the back of my mind I'm still counting on this time to be it. This is just too much for me to handle right now.

Time is officially ticking.

My husband goes to certification next month in Kansas. This means if he certifies, passes his tests, he will get deployed in March. And my time will be up for TTC. Then I won't get my pregnancy for 2011. Unless, I can make it happen this month, or next month. Also if there will be enough time in March. So really, I have this cycle and next. Now, starting this Friday will be my 12th day and when I start the ovulation kits. In which, if my husband does indeed have a low sperm count then we have to get the direct day of ovulation.

Well, he did submit a sperm sample last Tue. But it was a very small amount, and what he submitted had a low sperm count. He has a redo tomorrow, in which he needs to get past the fact of jizzing in a cup and just do it. It needs to get done. This is the only thing holding me back and well this month passing me up in taking Clomid.

Even if it doesn't happen this cycle, I'm still counting on next month to be it with the Clomid. I don't know how I do it, but each month I still have a sliver of hope that this could be it. Maybe being more positive will help, maybe not. How come it's so easy to be negative, but so hard to be positive?

Just going to keep it together emotionally, try to relax, and pray really hard that I can get pregnant before he leaves.

Surprise, surprise..my period came!

Yeah I knew it was coming, just kept trying to convince myself otherwise. Didn't work. Although, I was a tiny bit upset this morning. I'm kinda used to the disappointment now. A little ounce of me is still keeping strong and somehow I'm still managing to keep on trying for a baby. I have never wanted something so badly in my life. Honestly after almost a year of nothing, I don't know how I keep on going.

Maybe it's because I've got until March, two more cycles to get pregnant. I got my wish and I got a little more time but I can't take Clomid in time with this cycle so it looks like I'm going to get one round in during March. I hope that round counts or I get lucky and I get pregnant this cycle. Just trying to stay positive and not stress myself out over anything. Just trying to relax and let this happen. Of course with some effort that is now routine for me.

4-5 more days to go. Can I just get it over already?

Doctor Update: Everything checks out, all my hormone levels are normal. The problem may be with my husband's sperm or my eggs not be quality enough. But he can't put me on Clomid until my husband gets his sperm analyzed. In which that looks like it may or not happen on the 18th. If it doesn't, I'm fucked and only get to put in one round of Clomid before he deploys. I've got 2 more cycles to get pregnant. It's extremely heartbreaking that I'm now down to that slim chance. Maybe if my husband tested last year like I had asked him then I wouldn't be facing this obstacle now.

I mean I don't know if Clomid is my answer but it's increased odds, which is better than I have now. We don't have the money to see a fertility specialist so this is my only hope. I'm clinging on to every ounce of hope that I have left, and praying that I get pregnant before he deploys. It's so incredibly hard going through this..at times I just want to give up and get my tubes tied.

6-7 mored days, can I just hit the fast forward button on the remote?

More zits are popping up on my face. Yes, I get new breakouts when my period is coming. So it's most likely coming, although I still have an ounce of hope it's not going to come. Still doesn't explain my increased appetite, I'm eating everything! Maybe it's all in my head, and I've lost my marbles.

Pregnancy signs of today: Heavy boobs, backaches, and appetite in over drive. I still don't feel bloated for my period just yet..and now is about the time my abdomen balloons up. I am keeping an eye out for any implantation bleeding, it's supposed to be a little spotting that comes anywhere from the 5th to the 12th day after ovulation. However, not everyone has implantation bleeding. It also could have came already and I wouldn't know.

This is so hard, I almost lost it last night. But I can't give up, even though I want to. It's going to be a year next month of having unprotected sex and still no pregnancy. I mean it's only the second month of me actually getting it right, but it just seems to be such a challenge for me. When I don't try, nothing happens..when I do try, still nothing.

My husband's sperm analysis appointment got rescheduled to next Tuesday, bad sign. Meaning I'm probably not going to able to get on Clomid this Friday without him getting tested first. Greattt. So if I'm lucky I'll shove in one round of Clomid before he deploys. I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this trying and at the end of the month I turn up with no results.

7-8 more hellacious days to go!

So no signs of my period yet, none of my usual bloating a week in advance, but I am having new breakouts and am starting to get bitchy..Which means I'll probably get my period. Possible preggo signs include, heavy boobs, my appetite is in overdrive, last night my whole back ached for a while, a couple of times I felt like I was going to puke, consistently high body temp, my husband's shrimp soup smelled like hot urine to me, increased urination, and that's about it. Some decent signs, but obviously the only way to know for sure is when my I miss a period and get that positive pee stick.

I am very edgy if that means anything. Probably just means being on edge and anxious for my period to either get here or not. Sometimes, it's like I'm way too aware of my body and I'm just imagining these apparent signs.

Definitely going to treat myself to a nice diaper bag when I do get pregnant..I'm talking Kate Spade, maybe even Burberry.

Bad news, my husband's fertility appointment got canceled due to the weather. I'm hoping that they'll see him tomorrow and that they'll obtain the sample on the same day. Now, I've got the worry if the gyno will write me a prescription for Clomid this Friday or not, because my husband hasn't gotten his sperm tested.

And the another countdown begins. 8-9 days

8-9 days till I get my period. Or least hoping I'm not going to get it this time. It's scheduled to come the 18th or the 19th. Please period, don't come.

This feeling is so ridiculous..I'm even getting annoyed that celebrities are getting knocked up. Like Victoria Beckham needs another kid, seriously. I know it's sad, then some of the pregnant girls I know have had their child just recently. So I'm tortured with those professional shots of baby toes, family portraits, and a teddy bear cuddling the baby..it just makes me nauseated and jealous. I can't even stand watching a movie or a show where someone is knocked up. Even though I love 16 and pregnant, it's just too painful for me to watch.

I hate this time of the month. I get so emotional and upset when it nears period time..I just want this to be it,  I want a life growing inside of me. Sometimes, I feel like I've failed as a woman. I mean that's what my body is designed for? Maybe it's too much emotional stress that's inhibiting me from getting pregnant. But it's soooo hard not to think about it.

My husband gets his fertility tested tomorrow, praying that there's nothing wrong with him.

So pathetic

I believe that I have either A. missed my ovulation time, B. got it on that one day, C. didn't ovulate at all this month, or D. the unthinkable has happened and I'm pregnant. You see I use this site fertilityfriend.com to track my ovulation through my body temp and it says that I ovulated on the first. We did have sex the first, and we hadn't had sex in a while. So hopefully there was more than enough swimmers to get the job done. Then on those pee sticks, I couldn't get a positive thereafter..it went from a dark line but still a little lighter compared to the other line, to faint line on yesterday's test. Suppose it's safe to say I'm counting down until my period which is supposed to start the 20th or the 21st.

Good news, I go to the gyno on the 14th to get Clomid. Although, I'm worried my new gyno won't go by what my old one said (since he up and left the clinic) and he'll make me wait till the end of March to obtain Clomid. In which I don't have that much time. You see I'm aiming to have at least 2 rounds of Clomid in before he leaves. Now, he says he won't leave in Feb because there's only 2 spots open and he's still not certified yet. He said if anything he will most likely go next month. It's all still pending, that's the military for you. But I've got another month, and an appointment with a new top rated gyno, I'm really hoping these are signs a pregnancy is about to come my way!

I was browsing around on the internet at stuff I want for when I become pregnant, like what I want in a nursery, baby stuff and what not. Pathetic, I know. My husband is like, "I'm surprised you haven't bought anything yet." Wouldn't that be bad luck? Like how a girl would buy a wedding dress before she  even got engaged? (My cousin is guilty of that, talk about bad luck) Honestly, I've thought about it..getting little things here and there. But then again, what if people asked me, "Oh how old?" and I would tell them what? "Oh I don't have a baby yet, it's wishful thinking."? So I wouldn't want to jinx it, I'm having enough trouble as it is.

Ultrasound pics are stalking me!

Seriously Facebook is the devil, damn Mark Zuckerburg. Everyday that I log on there is a new ultrasound pic that a friend of mine has put up or a friend has commented on someone else's pic. I've hid the feeds of my pregnant FB friends, but that doesn't seem to do any difference. There's a new pregnant girl everyday! When am I'm going to have those bragging rights? The only positive that some of them are fat cows now and they're going to look like whales. Ha! It's starting to look like the impossible. I try to stay positive and have faith, but I don't want to disappoint myself.

I'm getting annoyed with my ovulation tests, I can't seem to get a positive. Which makes me think I've missed my ovulation and that this time it came pretty early. I don't know, today is the 16/17th day. The gyno also said that it fluctuates and it come two days later. I'm going to call him today and see if I can come in at the end of the month and start Clomid for next month. Otherwise I would have to wait till the end of Feb to start it in March. My husband may be deployed in Feb.

Gonna cross my fingers and hope the doctor lets me start it in Feb instead of waiting.

It's a new month, and another shot at trying to achieve my goal.

So it's January, a new year hopefully new things to come. However, if my husband deploys in Feb then I won't get my pregnancy this year. I'm really hoping that it gets pushed off a little further, that way I can buy more time. He could very well get certified in Feb and be on a plane to Afghanistan all in the same month. The likeliness of that happening isn't very high, but there's still a slight one. Then the next slot after Feb is March to deploy, but I'm uncertain about the certification times. They don't seem to come all that often.
Even if he did deploy and I wasn't pregnant then I keep telling myself I can just channel all my energy and mindset into school rather wallowing in despair. I'm actually afraid of how I will act when it comes down to the deployment and I have yet to get pregnant. Not going to be a pretty sight.

Other than that worry, I've been keeping pretty positive and trying to be stress free. It's working so far, until my husband pisses me off. It's day 13 of my cycle, and I'm going to buy more ovulation tests today. Still charting my temp, although the last few weeks my chart is all jacked up with being home and waking up at different times. But today, I'm back on schedule. Sometimes this whole schedule is exhausting, but at least no one can tell me I didn't try hard enough.

More girls I know have become pregnant, then they're finding out the sex of their baby. It's nauseating, and annoying to be off of Facebook then come back to that. Don't people have anything better to do? Another thing that irks me is that I know other girls that are trying for their second child and bitching about how long it's taking them. Seriously? Shut the fuck up, I'm struggling to get my first..maybe my last. I hate this feeling of wanting to be a mother, I wish I didn't have this feeling. But it won't go away until it happens. For now I've got to play the waiting game.