Bye bye, infertile 2012.

Dear 2012,

I thought you were going to be different this year..maybe even more positive as in BFP. But you brought me more sadness in my endo diagnosis and us moving onto 3 years of LTTC. Also a lot of dreaded announcements, such as my other SIL's pregnancy and many more. It's really been another year of infertile hell.

So I'll tell you like I told 2011, fuck you! You've been an unhelpful, disappointing 12 months.

Piss off already!

-Jackie

Dear 2013,

I don't give a rat's arse about that Middleton pregnancy. That baby will have a horsey face and tacky grandparents that cash in on their grandchild. Nor do I really care about that Kardashian pregnancy, because she will just dump the baby's father too. I do however feel very sorry for their infertile sister Khloe.

I hope the hell this is the year for me to get pregnant with our child. If not, I'd at least like to have my husband finally deploy so we could be that much closer to going through IVF. Either one, I'll gladly take it. Maybe what I'm really asking is, let's make some sort of progress in this infertility hell, shall we?

Don't let me down! I'm tired of that.

-Jackie

CD2 and a huge spider moved in.

I was laying down for a nap with my husband when I looked over and saw a massive spider creep from underneath one side of my drawers to the other!! I gasped because I had never seen a spider that large around here. Actually scared my husband who bolted up and asked what was wrong. I flip on the closet light and make him tear apart the closet looking for the damn thing. He's getting annoyed and starting to believe I made it all up. Then got back into bed saying I'm either a nutter or was half asleep.

Paranoid, I watched the closet for the next half hour. Googled it on my crapberry and discovered what I was a wolf spider:

 http://bugguide.net/node/view/697037/bgimage

Those things legs can get to up to 5inches. Ughhhhh. Apparently, they're not poisonous but their bite does hurt. And I'm hoping the one that lives in my closet is a male, because the females have 100 babies (fertile bitch) that they tote around their back. Seriously?! I need to start charging this spider rent if she/he is going to take up space!!

Lovely way to end the year and begin 2013.

In other rants, I'm on CD2. I got emotional on the toilet while AF arrived, cursed the fertile bitches in our family, at work, Volderbump, etc. Then had gummi bears as my vice. I really need to drop some pounds. Maybe that can be NY's resolution, as I'm getting tired of it being "getting pregnant".

One more thing...

Seeing your ex (who used to be hot many moons ago) all bloated and balding with some girl who could pass for 16, never gets old. Lol, she can stroke his ego now!

Work Christmas Party

A lot of people tend to skip those and I finally realized why. Your boss gets drunk and starts getting on your nerves even more! Plus, who wants to see those people outside of your workplace?!

Well with my husband in tow, I attended one last night. And we had such a long table, I was able to sit away from the people I didn't particularly care for. Except for pregnant cow #2 that sat on the other side of my husband. We exchanged our Secret Santa gifts, ate, and laughed. Afterwards, my husband and I joined my workmate and her boyfriend at the pub for more drinks. Like I really needed anymore!!

I didn't pay attention to pregnant cow sitting on the other side of my DH..my workmate was closer and engaged in a bit of conversation with her so she wouldn't feel left out. Come to find out she couldn't even afford to participate in the Secret Santa ($15 max) or pay for a drink refill she thought had cost her. How are you going to afford a new baby and the 3 children you already have when you can't afford small things?!!! Sure Christmas was expensive and our job pays peanuts, but don't make my taxes support the rest of your family!!! Especially, don't have children you can't fucking afford!!!!! That pisses me off more than a teenage pregnancy!

So I had to calm down by drinking even more booze and failing at a game of pool.

That family Christmas card

You know that annoying one that they print out at the photoshop that has graphics and pictures of their little family on it? I got one today from SIL (I like). Fear washed over me as I reached into the post box to see it was addressed from her. I was prepared to see my niece and a bump on the front, or even a scan. Surprisingly she was kind enough to send us one that didn't have any bump or ultrasound scan, but pictures of my niece. I love my niece, she calls me Aunt Jac..and of course I'm her favorite Aunt. I'm very thankful SIL has been respectful towards me about IF. The other one who claims she's IF, not so much.
So instead of shedding tears, I smiled and tacked it on the fridge.

Maybe I'm slowly getting a little bit better with this?

Then later today, I reverted back to my bitter self and frowned at pregnant cow #2 rubbing her nonexistent bump. Seriously, bitch?

Small steps....Lol

Someone else is up the duff at work. I'm not surprised.

I work with a bunch of fertile women. That I want to strangle!!!

I can't complain too much, because the other pregnant one is quitting as she's moving to another state. Phew. This new one was rather unexpected, as she's older and her youngest is 14. So I was thinking maybe she was a fellow IFer. Come to find out she had told me they were trying for 5 years, but didn't go see a fertility specialist. HOWEVER, her response to the pregnancy was less than grateful. She went on to bitch and whine about she felt like shit daily, how she didn't want to have a baby with older children, and about the job affecting her pregnancy...which we work in a printshop, it's not the least bit taxing. Excuse me??!! I had come to the conclusion she was probably NTNP for 5 years and her husband wanted her to get pregnant. I looked at her and told her that morning sickness was trivial compared to 5 years and that she should be over the moon about her pregnancy. She just pulled a face and went back to spouting off. Every bone and muscle in my body was fighting to get up, dump my salad on her head and proceed to strangle the shit out of her.

You ungrateful bitch! I just told you I was truly IF (you are not) and you proceed to whine some more!!! Stfu and be happy with what you have!

Later on at work she whined for someone to bring her the broom, no one did...till one of the supervisors told me to fetch it for her. Pregnancy isn't a disability and she's been sitting on her arse majority of the day. I should've beat her with the broom.

Besides that, I lost my debit card last week and had been using my husband's. Well I accidentally locked up the debit card because I entered the wrong pin number. Oops. I didn't find this out till Sunday when we Christmas shopped. Luckily the call center was open for the bank and we got it sorted. I was rather worried since my DH ordered my present online, but he said he got a confirmation email saying it went through.

Well, he checked his email yesterday and the order was denied since the card had been locked! I told him to go back on Bloomie's website and order the handbag. I have been needing one badly and been holding out for one I really liked. It's rather expensive, but I've had a rough year and work my arse off so I deserve it. Plus, it was the only thing I was getting. He goes back to the page and it's sold out!!! :(

Am I that pathetic that I can't even get the second thing I really want for Christmas?! I won't get my BFP I've been asking for the last 2 Christmases, so at least let me have the handbag I want!!!!  Needless to say I was pretty mad.

Can we get Christmas done already?

I'm so fed up with rude people, large crowds (though I did majority of it online, my husband likes to go at the last minute), my husband not knowing what he wants and then expecting me to surprise him with something wonderful, patronizing in-laws, etc. Although I'm thankful this Christmas hasn't been as stressful as last.

Last year's Christmas was spent listening to MIL go on and on about SIL's  (I hate) pregnancy. Then they acted all hurt when I separated myself from them or spent more time with my mother. Yes, because your IF daughter-in-law eagerly wants to hear all about the other daughter-in-law's unplanned pregnancy. Makes sense. Grrr.

Just a small rant, but I find it annoying that every article on Catherine starts with, "Pregnant Kate Middelton, Pregnant Duchess, etc. I had no idea she changed her title. *eye roll*

All I want for Christmas is to get sick? I'd rather it be morning sickness!

Yep, I'm getting sick. I blame it on the doctor's office and me forgetting to bring my hand sanitizer. Throat hurts, body aches, and headaches..and I still have to finish Christmas shopping. Put me out of my misery now.

Everyone is finished except for MIL, his brother, and my workmate in Secret Santa drawing. I haven't a clue as to what to get MIL, the woman already has everything. As far as his brother goes, SIL (I hate) hasn't gotten back to us. First she had the nerve to tell my DH, a PS3. Erm, no. I'm sure she'll be whining to her mother (she supports their family and mouths they can't feed) to get it for him. Then my workmate we have a limit of $15, but who really sticks to that anyway? Work Christmas party is on the 23rd, so I have to have it by next week.

On the IF side of things, we baby danced last night. Wouldn't it be nice to have finally conceived on 12/12/12? Wishful thinking. If I got a BFP before the end of the year, I'd probably shit my britches! And start crying. What a mess that would be!

3 Turtle Doves, 2 newborn babies

Being infertile, pregnant bellies and newborn babies, and especially those damn teenage mothers make me run the other way. I see more of teenage mothers (the South is chock full of them) and pregnant bellies. Hardly, do I ever see newborns. I ran into one young mother dragging her new baby in the freezing cold to check the post. Surely the father, sperm donor, could check it when they got home!
The other I saw in the dermatologist's office.

I walked into the office and spot her by the door with a crying newborn. Lovely. I sit on the side of where I don't have to see her. Yet, it was depressing listening to the little being wail and the new mother struggling to do something about it. Silently, I sat there wishing that was me.

Then the patients are called back one by one, and she changes seats to where she's facing me. Are you serious right now? I frowned at her and went back to playing with my Crapberry. Thankfully, it wasn't long before the doctor saw her and wouldn't have to see her the rest of the visit. I'm really surprised my anxiety didn't start, as I started to feel a trapped in that little room.

I guess what's an Infertile Christmas without a little torture, right?

Mentions BFP. Hell no, not mine!!!

Long time ago, I was on this site that shall not be named, for IF support. There I met a wonderful group of ladies in the infertile area and a couple in the, "Not so Infertile" area of the site. I have since then kicked rocks on that side since it was a load of crap. Not as supportive as they advertise. *Cough*, false advertisement, *Cough*

I sent a couple of private messages to one in particular that came from the Not so IF area to the IF zone. I was rather hurt when she didn't email me or friend me on FB. Now, I find out that she recently had ART and was successful. Which is quite impressive since she only has one functioning tube and her DH had a low SA from his reversal. I cannot understand how she conceived with that many strikes against her! How are some people successful with treatments or even PCOSers with Clomid, but others can't win??!!! It makes no sense to me. Another one of those damn questions of which no one knows the answer!!! Grrrrrr.

Happy Childless 28th!!

It's hard to believe I was 25 when I started this awful TTC/Infertile nightmare. Depressing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all complaining about my age and how much time I have left to maybe conceive. I'm just taken aback at how much time truly flies.

On the other hand, there are benefits to being childless on your birthday:

1. I can eat at a nice restaurant without a wailing infant, and everyone throwing me filthy looks.

2. I can see a rated R film with my husband. I don't have to attend a G movie with several other children talking during the film.

3. I can by myself an expensive designer scarf and not feel guilty about it.

4. I can drink a whole bottle of wine, because I'm not pregnant or do I have any children to look after.

Even though I'd gladly trade all of that for a chance to have a baby, I'm just trying to look at in a positive light.

Is my husband really drinking right now?!

I didn't ask him to give up alcohol all together, it wouldn't be fair. Plus, I like to drink wine once in a blue moon. But I do expect him NOT to drink around ovulation or take hot baths. What does he do? He drinks his 6pack of Budlight tonight. Really??!! The rest of the month during my 2 week wait, fine..but don't booze it up around ovulation!!!!

I suppose I'm going to have to post an annoying note around ovulation reminding him not to drink or take hot baths. I ask 2 fucking, simple things..I get half ass results in return. Urgghhhh. And he wonders why I question him when it comes to wanting a child. You don't have to put near as effort as I do, tracking, planning your schedule, making sure to drink enough water, monitoring him, it's fucking exhausting!!!!

Infertility can fuck off.

Crap, I'm out of booze.

Drat, I forgotten that I drank the last of my strawberry wine. And the winery is closed. 

There is my DH's Bud Light Platinum's. Not too bad, but I feel like I need pizza, hot wings, or some type of "man's food" to go with it. Urghh. 

Christmas with the in-laws? No, thank you.

I guess my husband picks and chooses what he tells me. He keeps on telling his parents he'll be home for Christmas. Excuse me? You didn't even tell me of these plans. What part of we're married and you have to tell me what goes on, don't you understand??!!!

Number one, I work for a wanker who is going to make me work all around Christmas. I'm also certain other people will be trying to take off before me. Thus, getting time off is going to be near impossible and involve some bribery. Number two, I thought we were doing our own Christmas. The last couple of (dreadful) Christmases have been incredibly stressful and his parent's traditions. It's not very fun trying to have Christmas at 3 households. Don't get me wrong, I want to see my parents too...but Christmas is no longer what it used to be since they're divorced. Plus, I'm older and infertile, it tends to be hard to celebrate with a fake smile on your face.

Maybe we can for a quick weekend after Christmas and that will appease them. I've told them several times they're more than welcome to visit us, but since we don't have children for them to make the trip..we're expected to haul our asses up there. Seems a bit one-sided.

Urgh, I don't have the energy for this crap. Just leave me alone to have my own infertile Christmas!!

It was a little muddled, but it's now a bit more clear

I've sort of always known this, but now it's becoming more clear....I do what I want and make the decisions of what is best for me and my husband, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. If that person doesn't like it, too bad. I am an adult and we have our own life. I do not have to conform to your traditions and standards.

I am doing the best I can when it comes to having a child. I will not go to church just to get on God's good side and then he'll bless us with a baby. Did God bless murdering mother, Casey Anthony with a baby? I'd like to think he's a better judge of character than that. Even though it's not much and a little rocky, I have my own relationship with God at this time. So while you have your own opinions of what is going on, shut your damn mouth. You don't know what it's like to live in this IF hell on a daily basis.

Ahhhh, better.

On another note, I don't give a rat's arse about the Royal baby. Hopefully, the Duchess has enough sense to go into hiding so I don't have to see bump photos and all the other garb that will accompany it. Let's hope this next 8-9 months goes by really fast.

Lastly after our fight over MIL, I said we should take a break from LTTC. I'm not sure how long, but I really need to take back our sex life. I'm currently reconsidering retracting this break, or telling him we're on a break and still baby dancing around the fertile peak. In all honesty, I don't want to take a break because, I have in the back of my mind that month I didn't try could've been the month I conceived. On the contrary, there's a slim chance of us conceiving on our own. It's been 10 months after my lap, and still nothing. Even though my endo is blocking my tubes, I'm starting to think it is contributing to our IF. *Sigh* What to do?