I survived, and lived to tell the tale

Please pardon my melodrama pertaining to SIL. 

I walked through the threshold to acknowledge my BIL and their lot. SIL didn't even look at me, which was alright in my book. The less I have to fake it, the better. As the afternoon progressed, she said a few words to me, mainly played with my baby, and went on about staying out of my way. 

THEN.....as they were leaving to go attend her side of the family's Christmas party, she gave my husband a hug and then went in for an awkward side hug with me. Yes. A hug. I about died. The most awkward and forced hug ever. 

For one, I'm not a big hugger. And two, I don't want to embrace my enemy!! I'd rather eat a onion like an apple! Side note, I HATE, HATE onions. Yuck! 

Hopefully that is enough for the next 4 years, until I have to see them again. It's enough for me. 

After 4 years, I have to face SIL I hate.

*Grumble* Grumble*

Just a memory refresher, this is the one who told me that my infertility was nothing and that she "struggled" for 13 months to get her Clomid twins. And then a second oopsie pregnancy a year later. Yeah. That SIL.

She and her lot will be in town staying at the in-laws around my son's 1st birthday. I haven't seen the snooty cow since the end of 2010. Of course I have to bring my son over there for festivities..which we have it worked out he can be over there Saturday. This means I must put on a fake smile and sit on my hands so I don't hit her in the face.

Truth be told, I don't even feel like going to the in laws on that Saturday. Cowbag SIL being there makes it even worse. Ugh. God give me strength that day.

Yep, still swearing off baby showers.

I actually entertained the idea of going to one. Silly me. It was for my husband's cousin, who is this newly reformed woman whom has sworn off her party ways. *cough* Bullshit *cough*. The girl was 7 weeks pregnant and still hanging out in bars. Tacky.

Anyways, she made this massive registry at like 3 different baby shops..claiming on the (her and her fiancé) invitations they would prefer if attendees shopped at Babies R Us first. You don't tell people that are buying you gifts, where you would like them to shop. Then she also specified that she didn't want anyone to wrap the presents. Strange.

My MIL, who attended, said as she walked thru the threshold with baby gift, she was told to hold up her gift for a photo. After her picture was taken, she was to be escorted on as the next attendee needed to have their photo snapped. Where is this going, you say?

It turns out the pregnant cousin in all her selfish glory, wanted the photos snapped, so she knew who bought what and them unwrapped, so they wouldn't see her look of disappointment if she didn't like it. Love, you couldn't fake it? And if you didn't particularly care for it, then it's nothing to return it to the baby store for store credit!!! Needless to say, I'm glad I didn't waste time or energy attending that horrible, tasteless event.

Seriously. Royal baby 2?

Hahaha, and of course she's hiring a nurse to help out with the newest addition. Duh you fuckwit, taking care of a child isn't easy. I'm sure two, ages 2 and under is no cake walk.

Min and Max

I wonder what is the minimum amount of time, I should be suffering from chronic pain from hemorrhoids? I couldn't get through to the doctor's office today. Apparently everyone is ill on Mondays. Just put your big girl panties on and go to work, people!!

Also wondering what is the maximum amount of time I should still be wearing maternity clothes? Still in maternity pants, and a belly band with my regular denim. That mummy tummy can't be tucked. Lol.

Almost 4 years of marriage down the shitter

Now I know there's a reason why I was infertile. I didn't need to have a child with my husband. What have I done? My poor son is brought into this mess. I feel so selfish, because I wanted more than anything to be a mother. It was probably never meant to be. I should have just accepted the infertile card and left it at that.

As you know, fights with my husband are pretty explosive because he has a serious anger issue. I thought we have solved this last year. Apparently, not.

He went out on a bachelor party the day before Mother's Day. I didn't want him to go and he knew that, yet he insisted. I didn't feel like arguing so I told him not to be out all night. He comes home at 4am. I'm so upset and feel very disrespected. I let him in (I didn't have to do that). Things escalate from there, a lot of shouting, and I lost it when he called me an ignorant bitch. You know I'm upset and feel disrespected, yet you offer no remorse. I took drawers of some of his things and threw them on the ground telling him to get his things and leave. He screams at me some more and tells me I'm losing him. At this point, I honestly don't care. If I continue to back down, I'm letting him know that it's ok to treat me this way. Truthfully, I'm sick of it. It's not okay to disrespect me in my father's home and call me names. I think it is abuse. He gives me more threats that he will ram the car with his truck and neither of us will have a car. I'm so close to calling the authorities.

I told him he has 2 hours and he can collect his belongings and leave. I don't want him around me at all, ruining my Mothers's Day some more. What did I do to deserve this?

Happy Mother's Day to me. :(

I've got to be mad!

I'm going to talk about motherhood in this post.




As I've said before there's different choices in motherhood and some of them happen to have a cult following. It seems like I've fallen prey to one of these cults. Particularly the one that Tarquin's mother is leader of: Cloth Nappies. Yes, I know. Whenever I went into those shops, the hippies would pounce, trying to convert me from disposables.

So what made me change my tune? It's certainly not the extra load of laundry, the hazy economical statistics, or being green. I like that it saves us money, thousands actually.

I decided to make the trip 2 Saturdays ago to a less judgmental cloth nappy shop. There I purchased 2 carefully selected nappies, based off my own research. There's tons of brands, and there are even counterfeit ones! Yes, really. We went home and tried them after several washings, and love them.
They come in a million different colors of the rainbow and endless prints. Not to mention they're addicting. It's like collecting cards or having your collection of Barbies and their assorted attire. Now it has become a hobby. It is so bad, that I'm trolling Ebay for a limited edition print that is marked up way over retail value. I'm only a few weeks into this, and I already need an intervention. *Face palm*

Sorry, still don't care about pregnancy announcements!

Actually, I only care about a select few ladies' BFPs. Every other fertile bitch? No.

I get a text from former workmate who decides to tell me her sister (also former workmate) and another young workmate is expecting. Her sister is an Army wife, so it's to be expected. They happen to be baby making factories. Just not me. The other workmate has unfortunately become a teenage mother and will have to put her plans of uni on hold. Darling, you only had a year left before uni!!! Twat.

What I'm not understanding, is why I am getting this pregnancy news from an indirect source?!! If I wanted am update on their lives, I would get it straight from the horse's mouth! Urrghhh.

The pregnancy announcements still hurt. A little less than before, but they're still annoying.

Welcome back party canceled!

I am just so upset. I was really looking forward to it.

Bahahaha, yeah right.

I guessing they canceled it, as people probably weren't going to attend.

They're the type of people who only ring you when they want something, other than our son being born we never hear from them. Well, my husband's brother rings and asks if my husband is available to drive one of their vehicles back to Indiana. It's a very long drive and takes a couple of days. SIL is flying back with the children. Which makes no sense to me, as the kids are 4 and 2, so driving back wouldn't be a big deal. She's just lazy.

Husband said no, as we have a wedding to attend. In which I told him, he wasn't doing it anyways. So his brother asked the other 2 brothers. Who's going to foot the bill for flying out there, gas, and hotel accommodations as it is a 26hr drive?! There's no way in hell we were going to cough up for it. Her parents are constantly flying out there every month,  I don't see why one of them doesn't drive their other car. Ridiculous. Just tow the damn thing behind the moving truck.

So glad they're living in Indiana , as we won't have to see them.

SIL (I hate) back in town. Yay?

I know, I know. The bitching about my in-laws never stops. Trust me, I wish they would cut the crap already!

SIL (I despise) is the one who got pregnant on her 13th month of TTC, on her first round of Clomid with twins. The one whom I had a falling out with, as she claimed she really STRUGGLED much more than I did to get her pregnancy. Then went on to conceive naturally 2 years later. Yeah, that bitch. Her and the whole lot a moving back to Indiana in with her parents. I assume they can't afford the luxuries in Arizona. They lived outside of Phoenix and it is still a high cost of living.

Anyways, she is having this welcome back party at the in laws house in Illinois; when she is going to be living in Indiana. I suppose it is because of the few friends she has living here and the rest of her family. What a showy cow. The problem is my husband expects me to go to this party. If I don't it will cause a fight between us. I have no problem with him and our son going, but count me out.

I haven't spoken to her in 3 years, and as far as I'm concerned the twat owes me an apology. I'm not going to be fake and act like we're sisters. No. Thus, it's best I don't go. Now if I can only convince my husband to see my reasoning...

When did MIL get her P.H.D.?

I know I've said this before, but everyone has an opinion on how to care for YOUR child. For fuck's sake people, I'm doing the best I can. I'm reading baby books when I have a bit of time, consulting other current mothers, and asking my own mother at times for advice.

What I don't care for is MIL pushing her advice on me. Number 1, I don't recall asking for it and two, I know my son best. You spend a few hours with him on Saturdays, I'm with him everyday.

I'm no medical professional. When it comes to medical concerns with my son, I consult the pedi. MIL has "advised" me to push back the foreskin on my circumcised son. My understanding is that they are leaving a little bit more foreskin on, as it even out in growth with age. She seems to think it needs to be retracted every nappy change. I wouldn't think yanking on a wanker 8 times a day, would be comfortable. I'm not concerned about it, as it's not inflamed and the meatus is not covered.

I'm going to consult the pedi at his next appointment.

SIL came and went. AF back with a vengeance!

I didn't miss that bitch. AF, not SIL.

Everything went fine with SIL (I like) visiting. She only looked a little pregnant; I wasn't too bothered by it. However, I was annoyed with her whinging about buying 3 new car seats, as she's stuck with her American SUV overseas. Also how she's going to gain so much weight this pregnancy, as she hasn't had a chance to lose it from the last. Cry me a river.

My first real AF after birth was just horrendous. Let's just say I had to wear those nighttime pads that resemble tug boats, and a super tampon...during the DAY!! I contemplated going to A&E, as I was changing them every hour. How could I still be alive after all that blood loss?! That was a big fuck off from AF. Apparently she's here to stay and we're going to have many years together. Lovely.

My in-laws are great! Said no one, ever.

Ok maybe some people have fantastic in laws, but I don't know of any.

Last night we had our weekly visit to in laws of where they like us to stay for all hours. In which I don't agree as my son has a bed time, otherwise he gets very displeased and screams if he doesn't get placed in his cot for the night. MIL had some quips, of course. She remarked on how we only brought one bottle. Sorry, your grandson isn't old enough to stay out all day...and you don't put him to bed. It's my call. Then, she made another comment on how he needs to learn to eat with spoon. She had asked me about how trying rice cereal, and I told her he had through a special bottle. It didn't agree with him. Woman, do shut up! I will do what works for us. I'm surprised that's all the snide remarks she had for me; I suppose I should count myself lucky.

SIL (I like) and her lot are coming over from Italy for a funeral on Monday. This is the one that is pregnant yet again. She has a serious issue with taking her BC. If only it were that easy for some.
Anyways, Infertile Ingrid isn't looking forward to her appearance. It doesn't hurt as much as before, but I'm still a little jealous.

I can't hide from the mommy club

I've had my first mother to mother encounter. *cringes*

A few weeks after I have birth, I ran into a former co worker while grocery shopping. She congratulated me on my baby and rambled on about how her friends don't have children, it is so difficult to get on with any if them. Before I knew it, she was handing me her contact information for future play dates. I'm sorry dear, but Infertile Ingrid is just not on board with having a lunch chat all about children. As much as I love my child, I'm just not comfortable talking about him incessantly. For one, I'm still learning day to day about parenting. Lastly, I have had enough "helpful advice" to process for a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong, I have a group of ladies I can consult. But I can't be one of those mothers who meet twice a week for a cuppa joe with other mothers, talk about their children till the cows come home, and then we assemble our fleet of prams for a leisurely stroll. Just, no. Lol.

PD...when an infertile has it

I know we've scoffed at those fertiles with PD. How the hell can they be depressed, they are able to reproduce?!

When I got PD, I felt like the worst mother. I didn't resent my child, nor did I want to cause him any harm. He would get to the point of inconsolable crying and I couldn't do anything to soothe him. However, my DH could pick him up and he would instantly calm. What on earth was I doing wrong?! He was fed, clean nappy, and warm. I was calm, just sleep deprived, and in a normal mood. I'd only become frustrated with myself, when I couldn't soothe my own child. Was I really that crap of a mother a few weeks into motherhood? I felt like I had no business being a mother.

It got to the point of where I would start sobbing when he would be inconsolable. On those days DH was out of the house for a few hours doing other things, and I would ring him to come home. DH didn't make me feel any better by bringing up how will I cope when he gets a job. I was doing the best I could, after all I was infertile for 3 years. The transition into motherhood hadn't been smooth.

A couple of weeks later, the inconsolable fits ceased. I'm not sure what initially caused them, but thank goodness it is over with.

I've learned that there's a different side to PD. It happens, even when you love your child to pieces and are trying your best to meet their every need.

Infertile Ingrid returns

Actually, she's never left.

 I believe me missing being pregnant, is fueling my jealousy of more pregnant announcements. DH came home from his parents and gave me the news SIL (I like, that is stationed in Italy) is pregnant yet again. She told me she was just wanting 2, but I knew she would end up with a third. The girl can't properly take her BCP.

I'm not as upset, due to being lucky enough to have my son. Infertile Ingrid is just upset in the sense
she may not be able to have the family she always wanted. On the other hand, I should be happy with what I have since others may not even be able to achieve that. I'm not sure about a second go around..if it is even possible.

The OB did ask me what I wanted for BC and I just sniggered. I told him I was undecided at this time. An IF gets lucky and you want to throw BC at me?!! I'm not wasting money on that; it's just unnecessary. Of course my mother chimes in with she knows this neighbor of a friend who tried for 3 years, had a baby then got pregnant 2 months afterwards. Ughhhh. She had learned nothing of me correcting her when it comes to IF advice. If only it wasn't demeaning to spray her with water every time she says something "helpful" about IF.

Postpartum fun!

*Warning*
Please excuse my talk of blown out vagina, broken arsehole, and all profanities. There will also be a little talk of my newborn, he is pretty neat, but I will not go on and on.

Labour and delivery was 13 hours. They let me push for hours, which led to vaginal mush (OB's words) and a blown out arsehole. Thank god I elected for an epidural, as the doctor was down there reconstructing my lady bits for a half hour. The good doctor also loaded me up with narcotics, which I ran out of the other day. Boooo. Unfortunately it still hurts to have a BM. It feels like I'm passing chef knives through my rectum. Don't worry, I'm not whinging...in fact I see the humor behind it now! I'd gladly do it again, because my son is indeed worth it.

One odd thing I pointed out in LD was there was a large mirror in my room facing the bed. Who in their right mind wants to see their unshaved fanny in the mirror?!! I made MIL stand in front of it, so I wouldn't have to catch sight of my unkept lady bits. Yes, she begged me to attend the birth. I couldn't say no, as my husband would be displeased. She ended up being her usual overbearing self, in which my mother was unimpressed. If there happens to be a next time, I will not allow a party in LD.

......

As I've mentioned before, you still continue to receive unsolicited advice from mothers who know it all, because they've raised 5 children, breastfeed twins till they were 3 years of age, etc. One of the things every mother can get on a soapbox about is breast feeding. My husband was up my arse to do it, because it is natural. I believe it's because MIL encouraged it. She asked me every time about it. I will say I gave it a good try, but it wasn't for me and my son. Once we got it down, he wanted to feed every hour. In which I could not keep up with his demand, and didn't feel like getting even less sleep or being his dummy. Everyone says, "Breast is best!". For fucks sake, it even said on the side of the formula can! If a woman can keep up with supply and demand, more power to her. It's not my cup of tea.

All and all everything is good. Yeah, pregnancy can be rough (I had it easy) and newborns can be challenging in terms of postpartum depression and colic. With that being said, I'd still go on to say it does not compare of the devastating journey of IF. Not even close.