Bye bye, infertile 2012.

Dear 2012,

I thought you were going to be different this year..maybe even more positive as in BFP. But you brought me more sadness in my endo diagnosis and us moving onto 3 years of LTTC. Also a lot of dreaded announcements, such as my other SIL's pregnancy and many more. It's really been another year of infertile hell.

So I'll tell you like I told 2011, fuck you! You've been an unhelpful, disappointing 12 months.

Piss off already!

-Jackie

Dear 2013,

I don't give a rat's arse about that Middleton pregnancy. That baby will have a horsey face and tacky grandparents that cash in on their grandchild. Nor do I really care about that Kardashian pregnancy, because she will just dump the baby's father too. I do however feel very sorry for their infertile sister Khloe.

I hope the hell this is the year for me to get pregnant with our child. If not, I'd at least like to have my husband finally deploy so we could be that much closer to going through IVF. Either one, I'll gladly take it. Maybe what I'm really asking is, let's make some sort of progress in this infertility hell, shall we?

Don't let me down! I'm tired of that.

-Jackie

CD2 and a huge spider moved in.

I was laying down for a nap with my husband when I looked over and saw a massive spider creep from underneath one side of my drawers to the other!! I gasped because I had never seen a spider that large around here. Actually scared my husband who bolted up and asked what was wrong. I flip on the closet light and make him tear apart the closet looking for the damn thing. He's getting annoyed and starting to believe I made it all up. Then got back into bed saying I'm either a nutter or was half asleep.

Paranoid, I watched the closet for the next half hour. Googled it on my crapberry and discovered what I was a wolf spider:

 http://bugguide.net/node/view/697037/bgimage

Those things legs can get to up to 5inches. Ughhhhh. Apparently, they're not poisonous but their bite does hurt. And I'm hoping the one that lives in my closet is a male, because the females have 100 babies (fertile bitch) that they tote around their back. Seriously?! I need to start charging this spider rent if she/he is going to take up space!!

Lovely way to end the year and begin 2013.

In other rants, I'm on CD2. I got emotional on the toilet while AF arrived, cursed the fertile bitches in our family, at work, Volderbump, etc. Then had gummi bears as my vice. I really need to drop some pounds. Maybe that can be NY's resolution, as I'm getting tired of it being "getting pregnant".

One more thing...

Seeing your ex (who used to be hot many moons ago) all bloated and balding with some girl who could pass for 16, never gets old. Lol, she can stroke his ego now!

Work Christmas Party

A lot of people tend to skip those and I finally realized why. Your boss gets drunk and starts getting on your nerves even more! Plus, who wants to see those people outside of your workplace?!

Well with my husband in tow, I attended one last night. And we had such a long table, I was able to sit away from the people I didn't particularly care for. Except for pregnant cow #2 that sat on the other side of my husband. We exchanged our Secret Santa gifts, ate, and laughed. Afterwards, my husband and I joined my workmate and her boyfriend at the pub for more drinks. Like I really needed anymore!!

I didn't pay attention to pregnant cow sitting on the other side of my DH..my workmate was closer and engaged in a bit of conversation with her so she wouldn't feel left out. Come to find out she couldn't even afford to participate in the Secret Santa ($15 max) or pay for a drink refill she thought had cost her. How are you going to afford a new baby and the 3 children you already have when you can't afford small things?!!! Sure Christmas was expensive and our job pays peanuts, but don't make my taxes support the rest of your family!!! Especially, don't have children you can't fucking afford!!!!! That pisses me off more than a teenage pregnancy!

So I had to calm down by drinking even more booze and failing at a game of pool.

That family Christmas card

You know that annoying one that they print out at the photoshop that has graphics and pictures of their little family on it? I got one today from SIL (I like). Fear washed over me as I reached into the post box to see it was addressed from her. I was prepared to see my niece and a bump on the front, or even a scan. Surprisingly she was kind enough to send us one that didn't have any bump or ultrasound scan, but pictures of my niece. I love my niece, she calls me Aunt Jac..and of course I'm her favorite Aunt. I'm very thankful SIL has been respectful towards me about IF. The other one who claims she's IF, not so much.
So instead of shedding tears, I smiled and tacked it on the fridge.

Maybe I'm slowly getting a little bit better with this?

Then later today, I reverted back to my bitter self and frowned at pregnant cow #2 rubbing her nonexistent bump. Seriously, bitch?

Small steps....Lol

Someone else is up the duff at work. I'm not surprised.

I work with a bunch of fertile women. That I want to strangle!!!

I can't complain too much, because the other pregnant one is quitting as she's moving to another state. Phew. This new one was rather unexpected, as she's older and her youngest is 14. So I was thinking maybe she was a fellow IFer. Come to find out she had told me they were trying for 5 years, but didn't go see a fertility specialist. HOWEVER, her response to the pregnancy was less than grateful. She went on to bitch and whine about she felt like shit daily, how she didn't want to have a baby with older children, and about the job affecting her pregnancy...which we work in a printshop, it's not the least bit taxing. Excuse me??!! I had come to the conclusion she was probably NTNP for 5 years and her husband wanted her to get pregnant. I looked at her and told her that morning sickness was trivial compared to 5 years and that she should be over the moon about her pregnancy. She just pulled a face and went back to spouting off. Every bone and muscle in my body was fighting to get up, dump my salad on her head and proceed to strangle the shit out of her.

You ungrateful bitch! I just told you I was truly IF (you are not) and you proceed to whine some more!!! Stfu and be happy with what you have!

Later on at work she whined for someone to bring her the broom, no one did...till one of the supervisors told me to fetch it for her. Pregnancy isn't a disability and she's been sitting on her arse majority of the day. I should've beat her with the broom.

Besides that, I lost my debit card last week and had been using my husband's. Well I accidentally locked up the debit card because I entered the wrong pin number. Oops. I didn't find this out till Sunday when we Christmas shopped. Luckily the call center was open for the bank and we got it sorted. I was rather worried since my DH ordered my present online, but he said he got a confirmation email saying it went through.

Well, he checked his email yesterday and the order was denied since the card had been locked! I told him to go back on Bloomie's website and order the handbag. I have been needing one badly and been holding out for one I really liked. It's rather expensive, but I've had a rough year and work my arse off so I deserve it. Plus, it was the only thing I was getting. He goes back to the page and it's sold out!!! :(

Am I that pathetic that I can't even get the second thing I really want for Christmas?! I won't get my BFP I've been asking for the last 2 Christmases, so at least let me have the handbag I want!!!!  Needless to say I was pretty mad.

Can we get Christmas done already?

I'm so fed up with rude people, large crowds (though I did majority of it online, my husband likes to go at the last minute), my husband not knowing what he wants and then expecting me to surprise him with something wonderful, patronizing in-laws, etc. Although I'm thankful this Christmas hasn't been as stressful as last.

Last year's Christmas was spent listening to MIL go on and on about SIL's  (I hate) pregnancy. Then they acted all hurt when I separated myself from them or spent more time with my mother. Yes, because your IF daughter-in-law eagerly wants to hear all about the other daughter-in-law's unplanned pregnancy. Makes sense. Grrr.

Just a small rant, but I find it annoying that every article on Catherine starts with, "Pregnant Kate Middelton, Pregnant Duchess, etc. I had no idea she changed her title. *eye roll*

All I want for Christmas is to get sick? I'd rather it be morning sickness!

Yep, I'm getting sick. I blame it on the doctor's office and me forgetting to bring my hand sanitizer. Throat hurts, body aches, and headaches..and I still have to finish Christmas shopping. Put me out of my misery now.

Everyone is finished except for MIL, his brother, and my workmate in Secret Santa drawing. I haven't a clue as to what to get MIL, the woman already has everything. As far as his brother goes, SIL (I hate) hasn't gotten back to us. First she had the nerve to tell my DH, a PS3. Erm, no. I'm sure she'll be whining to her mother (she supports their family and mouths they can't feed) to get it for him. Then my workmate we have a limit of $15, but who really sticks to that anyway? Work Christmas party is on the 23rd, so I have to have it by next week.

On the IF side of things, we baby danced last night. Wouldn't it be nice to have finally conceived on 12/12/12? Wishful thinking. If I got a BFP before the end of the year, I'd probably shit my britches! And start crying. What a mess that would be!

3 Turtle Doves, 2 newborn babies

Being infertile, pregnant bellies and newborn babies, and especially those damn teenage mothers make me run the other way. I see more of teenage mothers (the South is chock full of them) and pregnant bellies. Hardly, do I ever see newborns. I ran into one young mother dragging her new baby in the freezing cold to check the post. Surely the father, sperm donor, could check it when they got home!
The other I saw in the dermatologist's office.

I walked into the office and spot her by the door with a crying newborn. Lovely. I sit on the side of where I don't have to see her. Yet, it was depressing listening to the little being wail and the new mother struggling to do something about it. Silently, I sat there wishing that was me.

Then the patients are called back one by one, and she changes seats to where she's facing me. Are you serious right now? I frowned at her and went back to playing with my Crapberry. Thankfully, it wasn't long before the doctor saw her and wouldn't have to see her the rest of the visit. I'm really surprised my anxiety didn't start, as I started to feel a trapped in that little room.

I guess what's an Infertile Christmas without a little torture, right?

Mentions BFP. Hell no, not mine!!!

Long time ago, I was on this site that shall not be named, for IF support. There I met a wonderful group of ladies in the infertile area and a couple in the, "Not so Infertile" area of the site. I have since then kicked rocks on that side since it was a load of crap. Not as supportive as they advertise. *Cough*, false advertisement, *Cough*

I sent a couple of private messages to one in particular that came from the Not so IF area to the IF zone. I was rather hurt when she didn't email me or friend me on FB. Now, I find out that she recently had ART and was successful. Which is quite impressive since she only has one functioning tube and her DH had a low SA from his reversal. I cannot understand how she conceived with that many strikes against her! How are some people successful with treatments or even PCOSers with Clomid, but others can't win??!!! It makes no sense to me. Another one of those damn questions of which no one knows the answer!!! Grrrrrr.

Happy Childless 28th!!

It's hard to believe I was 25 when I started this awful TTC/Infertile nightmare. Depressing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all complaining about my age and how much time I have left to maybe conceive. I'm just taken aback at how much time truly flies.

On the other hand, there are benefits to being childless on your birthday:

1. I can eat at a nice restaurant without a wailing infant, and everyone throwing me filthy looks.

2. I can see a rated R film with my husband. I don't have to attend a G movie with several other children talking during the film.

3. I can by myself an expensive designer scarf and not feel guilty about it.

4. I can drink a whole bottle of wine, because I'm not pregnant or do I have any children to look after.

Even though I'd gladly trade all of that for a chance to have a baby, I'm just trying to look at in a positive light.

Is my husband really drinking right now?!

I didn't ask him to give up alcohol all together, it wouldn't be fair. Plus, I like to drink wine once in a blue moon. But I do expect him NOT to drink around ovulation or take hot baths. What does he do? He drinks his 6pack of Budlight tonight. Really??!! The rest of the month during my 2 week wait, fine..but don't booze it up around ovulation!!!!

I suppose I'm going to have to post an annoying note around ovulation reminding him not to drink or take hot baths. I ask 2 fucking, simple things..I get half ass results in return. Urgghhhh. And he wonders why I question him when it comes to wanting a child. You don't have to put near as effort as I do, tracking, planning your schedule, making sure to drink enough water, monitoring him, it's fucking exhausting!!!!

Infertility can fuck off.

Crap, I'm out of booze.

Drat, I forgotten that I drank the last of my strawberry wine. And the winery is closed. 

There is my DH's Bud Light Platinum's. Not too bad, but I feel like I need pizza, hot wings, or some type of "man's food" to go with it. Urghh. 

Christmas with the in-laws? No, thank you.

I guess my husband picks and chooses what he tells me. He keeps on telling his parents he'll be home for Christmas. Excuse me? You didn't even tell me of these plans. What part of we're married and you have to tell me what goes on, don't you understand??!!!

Number one, I work for a wanker who is going to make me work all around Christmas. I'm also certain other people will be trying to take off before me. Thus, getting time off is going to be near impossible and involve some bribery. Number two, I thought we were doing our own Christmas. The last couple of (dreadful) Christmases have been incredibly stressful and his parent's traditions. It's not very fun trying to have Christmas at 3 households. Don't get me wrong, I want to see my parents too...but Christmas is no longer what it used to be since they're divorced. Plus, I'm older and infertile, it tends to be hard to celebrate with a fake smile on your face.

Maybe we can for a quick weekend after Christmas and that will appease them. I've told them several times they're more than welcome to visit us, but since we don't have children for them to make the trip..we're expected to haul our asses up there. Seems a bit one-sided.

Urgh, I don't have the energy for this crap. Just leave me alone to have my own infertile Christmas!!

It was a little muddled, but it's now a bit more clear

I've sort of always known this, but now it's becoming more clear....I do what I want and make the decisions of what is best for me and my husband, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. If that person doesn't like it, too bad. I am an adult and we have our own life. I do not have to conform to your traditions and standards.

I am doing the best I can when it comes to having a child. I will not go to church just to get on God's good side and then he'll bless us with a baby. Did God bless murdering mother, Casey Anthony with a baby? I'd like to think he's a better judge of character than that. Even though it's not much and a little rocky, I have my own relationship with God at this time. So while you have your own opinions of what is going on, shut your damn mouth. You don't know what it's like to live in this IF hell on a daily basis.

Ahhhh, better.

On another note, I don't give a rat's arse about the Royal baby. Hopefully, the Duchess has enough sense to go into hiding so I don't have to see bump photos and all the other garb that will accompany it. Let's hope this next 8-9 months goes by really fast.

Lastly after our fight over MIL, I said we should take a break from LTTC. I'm not sure how long, but I really need to take back our sex life. I'm currently reconsidering retracting this break, or telling him we're on a break and still baby dancing around the fertile peak. In all honesty, I don't want to take a break because, I have in the back of my mind that month I didn't try could've been the month I conceived. On the contrary, there's a slim chance of us conceiving on our own. It's been 10 months after my lap, and still nothing. Even though my endo is blocking my tubes, I'm starting to think it is contributing to our IF. *Sigh* What to do?

Fucking Mad!

My lovely DH who is in complete denial of IF and most likely ashamed of it, had yet to tell his parents we were not going to be there for Christmas. It's not that I want to stay away from them, I do want to visit..but I'll lose it if I get around the pregnant daughter. I can't endure that pain. It's already enough, that I have to live with IF on a daily basis.

Well today I find out that he finally told his mother about it. Apparently she was less than pleased and had a few not so nice things to say regarding the matter. I can understand her being not too happy about it, but have some respect for the tough time I'm going through. I'm sorry my depressed, anxiety ridden, infertile self interferes with your fertile, fucking Christmas!!! My riding on the brink of insanity, breakdowns, and hopeless thoughts are just an inconvence. I should just set aside my feelings, mental health, slap on a fake smile and pretend I'm happy just to please everyone else. No, fuck that!!

I will not risk my mental health just to please you people. You don't seem to agree. What does that say about you? Do you really have my best interests in mind? No, you don't.

Have no mercy!

I feel like a big bitch today. I am so PMS-y it's not even the least bit comical. Anyone who even looks at me strangely will get an earful. I'm not in the mood!

Regarding My Old FB Account

On my old FB, I started to be a little more open about IF. Surprisingly when I did, 3 of my friends came forward and talked to me about their struggles. One I knew had recently lost a set of twins LTTC for 7yrs, the other said she had been NTNP for 3years with an irregular cycle, and the last girl had 2 miscarriages LTTC for 2years.

Well the second girl fell pregnant in Dec 2010, only to lose her baby the day of his birth in July (they had to take him early) from CDH. I haven't spoken with her to find out if she's gotten pregnant again. The girl who had TTC for 7years got pregnant on her second round of IVF. She got pregnant last year the same month as my SIL (I hate). It was rather kind of her to tell me later in the year via PM. Now, the last girl I found out is expecting their child next year. So all of those girls who came out to me, have all had a pregnancy but me. Although it sucks still being childless, I consider myself lucky not to have suffered any physical losses.

And my SIL have completed their families, so that leaves me. Unless of course my other two BILs decide to marry, which I don't see happening. It looks like I'm next. Come on 2013!!!!!

Seriously, Jessica Simpson?!

What are you, the new Tori Spelling? Fucking breeder.

 I'm just unimpressed that she's pregnant again. Didn't she just have one like yesterday? 7 months, same thing. I just can't stand those women who pop them out one right after the other. I'm looking at you, Michelle Duggar. But that's a whole other argument. That woman can't even parent the whole lot she has. More importantly, how in the world do women do that shit??!! Or even want to do that? I would want to take the time to get to know and enjoy my first child. Perhaps Jessica Simpson is too stupid to know she needed to get back on BC if she wasn't planning another. I mean I know I don't need BC because I'm IF, but what excuse do the fertiles have? None!

Anyways, it's nearing AF's arrival and I'm less than pleased my 28th birthday is round the corner. I'm not sweating bullets in terms of age and IF, because I know I have a bit of time. However, when I hit that 30 mark and am still childless...panic will certainly set in. Great.

I suppose I made a friend in a pregnant cow

Lately I've been feeling emotional over LTTC...that I've been ending up in tears at work. Embarrassing.  Nothing regarding work whatsoever, it's just that I've reached my breaking point.

I was busy cranking away at work when the newly pregnant one tried to announce her pregnancy to me, and my workmate (who I had been previously disappointed in) interrupted her. Thank god. Then I walked to the stockroom to get more supplies and I had realized they had talked about me. I figured my workmate reminded the pregnant cow about my infertility.

Anyways, we were in the lounge later and it was a bit awkward. I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained the IF and how I feel towards pregnant women, hoping she wouldn't take it personal. Sort of used to being judged by now and called selfish. Surprisingly, she understood and wasn't at all offended.  I had mini breakdown #2 and she even gave me a hug. Thus resulting in some sort of friendship. *Sigh*

I also learned about her that their situation isn't the greatest as she's the only one working, he got medically discharged from the Army. They also live with his grandparents. She'd rather move in with her mother in GA, before the baby comes. Meaning, I won't have to see her belly grow and she'll be moving before too long.

Another thing that's been bothering me is every time my husband's parents call, they ask when we're coming to visit. He always spouts off, he isn't sure and moves onto another topic. I've repeatedly told him to tell them the truth instead of dodging the question. It's because I didn't have a good Christmas last year with hearing all about SIL (I hate)'s pregnancy.  Because I don't feel like being around the other pregnant SIL's 8 month bump and crying everyday! It's so much harder to face a pregnancy in the family, than a pregnant cow on the street I can scold and run away from. I'm faced with the fact we're the only ones who haven't conceived and they've even completed their families! I have to see that motherly love being dangled in front of my face. It's just too hard to face it anymore.

Did you hear the one about the infertile and pregnant woman at the cinema?

No of course you didn't, because it's not going to happen! Ever. Well unless of course I'm visiting a pregnant former IF mate and she wants to go to see a film. Or unless the unthinkable happens and I'm pregnant too.

My workmate and I have had plans to see the newest installment of Twilight. Knowing very well of my struggles (in fact I told her about what happened at work) she goes and invites the new pregnant one to go along. Ugh! Really?! I then proceeded to explain that I am not comfortable around pregnant women in general. It has been known to trigger an anxiety attack. Extreme, I know. It's bad enough I have to work with her. Though normally I don't work with her, we tend to work opposite shifts. So why in the world would I want to socialize with her??!!

I'm starting to realize fertile people don't think really think of IF people. That's why I'm starting to give more thought to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, when I say it. However, I think you need to put yourself first when people don't give any thought to you. I'm not wanting a pity party or any sympathy, just for people to use common logic. I think that makes sense.

Here's something that gave me a chuckle. A bit tacky, but funny nonetheless.

I'm such a twat

Reason being, I had a mental breakdown in front of the former pregnant cow at work.
1. IMO, and I'm so hard on myself, having a breakdown is a sign of weakness. I'm not a weak person.
2. I HATE having a breakdown in front of someone I'm not fond of. I feel as if their reaction, sympathy is forced and false.
3. She told me someone else at work was pregnant. I did not care to know that!!!!! Let's trigger my depression why don't we?

I'm trying not to be hard on myself because these things do happen and I couldn't help it. I've been through a lot already and it looks like it's not letting up any time soon. Also this time of the year triggers a lot of heartache being another birthday, wishing for a baby this Christmas again, and the end of 2012.

Can I just forward to next year and be done with this shit year? In fact, can I just forward to the part of my life to where I'm a mother? Please? :(

Infertile Thanksgiving #2

It really feels like Infertile Thanksgiving #45,736.

We didn't go home for this Thanksgiving. Thank God! Instead of staying at home and being losers, we got invited by one of his mates to have dinner at their home. They have 2 older children (teenage), so there was no uncomfortable baby talk. Also no living room full of baby and family pictures. No "Grandkids" collage photo frame that I felt like ripping down and throwing across the room. It was a nice adult Thanksgiving. That I was very, very thankful for.

I Need an Escape

Isn't there some sort of remote island I can travel to that's reasonably priced with no women or children? Preferably hot cabana boys in speedos. I just need a break from my life. The end of the year and another birthday is coming down on me. I'm not ready for either.

We were eating at a busy little diner today and our waitress stopped in front of our table to talk to someone several feet away and discuss her pregnancy. Of all the tables in the diner, let's stop in front of the IF's while they're trying to enjoy lunch. Grrrr.

I also feel really guilty about not going home this Christmas. I already suggested my DH go and visit and I'll stay at my mother's. But he's not having it. It's a lose, lose situation all the way around. Do I go around the pregnant SIL and his family just to please them and be miserable, or do I stay away and have them being upset with me? I'm the one who has to live with IF and the depression-anxiety it brings...so when I can avoid those situations I do it for the sake of my sanity. I wish they understood. But they never will, because they never had to endure that pain.

Anxiety over something else today.

Today I start my clinicals at a long term care facility, i.e. old people home. I'm scared beyond belief. It's not so much the elderly people themselves, but that place and what it represents. I kind of feel like it's a hospice because they're for the rest of their lives. A little bit of despair and depression hang over it.

I remember when I was 9 and we visited my granny in the home. She wasn't herself. She was cursing everyone out, including her nurse and own family. My great uncle had to shoo the children out the room, because that is not how he wanted us to remember out granny. She ended up passing a couple of weeks later after my grandmother. I can't get that clip from my past out of my head. Hopefully, I'll be alright later.

Also today my mother was wondering if we were going to visit for Christmas. I'm not sure because I cannot be around my pregnant SIL right now. Her DH is getting out of the Navy soon and she's staying at her parents during this transition. In which, it all seems to be an extremely bad idea because how will they support their children. She cannot work, because she has to take care of them...neither of them have a degree and the economy is still shit. They should've seriously waited to have another. It's not like they're getting old or dealing with IF.

I'm not in the mood for Christmas anyway. Santa still hasn't brought me what I've been asking for the 3rd Christmas now. I'd just rather not be around family, children, and pregnant women, trying to fake happiness. It's just not happening.

Looking Back

As I'm turning back the IF time clock (that still continues to tick) and read through my entries, I start to cry.

I remember a time when I used to be a happy, go lucky (ok, not really lucky) girl who was ok with her life. I used to have fun. LTTC has worn me down into this sad, depressed, bitter, tired, woman. I know now in life that the things don't go according to plan. Some things are even unplanned. I can't get even get a pregnancy that's unplanned, much less planned. It's something I was designed for, but I can't fulfill that void. Something yet so simple and natural, I cannot do it. My husband and I can't accomplish it. And it's the worst feeling in the world. It's hard to live your life this way. I don't want to go through this, I don't want to feel this way....it's not something I can just get over. This isn't something I chose for myself.

Anymore, I don't believe there's a light at the end of my tunnel. It's dark, there's nothing for me.

Pregnancy, what is really the big deal?!

I got that you're doing a magical thing and spawning, you get to carry around a bump, have bragging rights on Fakebook, get a party thrown for you, get fussed over, whine about morning sickness, carry on the family name if you're married, and your vagina stretches(cool?). Seriously, what IS the big deal about pregnancy? Why must pregnant women insist that you bend over backwards for them and you're being selfish if you're not cooing over their evident bump? Do you need me to give you a gold star, an A for excellence since you're fertile? I mean it's not like it's going into the World Records book, or are you having some sort of national holiday devoted to it.

Sure if I see an 8 month pregnant woman whom no one else is giving up their seat on public transport for, I'll get up. Mainly to move to another side so I don't have to stare at her. If you're a few months pregnant, don't act special and need everyone to play musical chairs for you.

I suppose because I'm an infertile cow, I'm missing the big picture of pregnancy. I know that my body and mind want a baby. I know that I'll be a fantastic mother. But, I still don't see the massive fuss about procreation and why must one share it with everyone. Is it to get more baby gifts at your baby shower?
Because I've seen mothers to be make off with truckloads of stuff..and they had a decent attendance at their shower. I thought a pregnancy is something you share with your husband-finace or boyfriend (if he's around) and family. Honestly, they're the only ones that care. Your neighbor who you're talking their ear off, doesn't give a rat's arse. Also, any infertile friends don't either....they just wish to strangle you.

Maybe I'm getting bitter because it's nearing the end of the year and I'm about to tack on yet another year of battling IF. Every period gets incredibly tiresome. Dealing with it emotionally is also getting old. I'm just so exhausted from trying to get somewhere when I'm really getting nowhere at all.

FUCK YOU, INFERTILITY.

It doesn't get any easier. Does it?

That question isn't even really rhetorical because I already know the answer.

Since my last post, I sort of let go of IF for a while (still trying every month) to focus on pre-hursing. Honestly, it's been a wonderful distraction. Though, around ovulation and at the end of my cycle those depressed feelings creep back up on me. The sadness and fear that I'll never be able to conceive, or die a young death never achieving motherhood. I try to stomp them with thinking I'll be a nurse practitioner and money will make up for that..or the ridiculous, it can happen thoughts. I also think about how I'm failing to give my grandmother a grandchild, or my in-laws (who have plenty of grandchildren) one to add to their collage.

Why don't I stop or take a break? That won't get me a baby either. And for every month I took a break, I wonder if I would have conceived that month. It's this horrible ride that I have to stay on. I've been on it for almost 3 years. Maybe in that time we could've saved up half for IVF. Then again maybe not, since we're going to need to replace his truck. The older I get the more I feel I'm never going to be a mother. It slips further and further away. I can't close my eyes and see myself as a mother, not even one child. He/She/They don't visit me in my dreams and assure me we're going to meet one day, not to fret.

This LTTC journey is so painful, tiring, and devastating. I wish it would end.

Life can go my way anytime now!!

I'm so over my job. It sucks that at nearly 28, I'm not what I thought (hoped) I would be in life. At this age, I hoped that I would be a mother and have a successful career. I'm pretty far from that. Depressing.
I work at this lowly place that is so desperate to keep it's doors open. All but a couple of managers barely know how to manage one person, let alone a shift of people. They micromanage and get mad at you when it's their fault you haven't been trained properly, if at all. It is by far the worst retail place I've worked at, and I've worked at some crappy places. I plan on not working there too much longer. I'm too old to deal with that bs, and I hardly get the respect I deserve.

As far as trying for a baby goes, I believe I've gotten to the exhausted, don't care phase. I still want a baby and can't be around infants, or bumps...it's just that I'm so over my struggles. There's no point in keeping on putting effort into something that is not going to happen. I'll try, but I'm done giving it my best shot. There's only so much I can do. I can't control the outcome.

One positive is that I can hopefully start school this fall, if I'm not wait listed on classes. Once again, I have to jump thru hoops in order to get things running smoothly. It would be nice for once if something can go my way without any issues. Not in this life. Maybe my next life won't be as discouraging.

Ugh, I have to enter hell soon..with my least favorite manager. If he pisses me off tonight, I'll cut more hours to the point of where I won't be working there. I don't need that toxic place.

Another Lonely Mother's Day

I want to go back to drinking and smoking. This healthy "lifestyle" isn't getting me a baby either. At least with a cig, I can calm my nerves a bit. 

After the shitty day yesterday, I'm now followed by another equally shitty day...Mother's Day. Of where I have to listen to customers tell me, "Happy Mother's Day" when I can't seem to be a mother. Wish I could tell them to fuck off and fuck Mother's Day. Way to throw it in my face some more people that I'm still childless!!! 

Maybe next year (yeah right) I can participate. HA! FML. :(

Low and behold 1 day before the worst day ever, I find out the other SIL is pregnant with her 2nd. That didn't take long considering he just got back from deployment and she was off birth control the whole time. Figures. It's unfair because I just dealt with the other being pregnant, constantly hearing about it from my in-laws. Seems as if it's never going to stop. The new score is 3, 2, and me still with 0.

I can't ever set foot in my in-laws house again with baby this, baby that, baby on the wall. EVERY FUCKING WHERE. Just feel like such an infertile outcast because I can't conceive shit. I don't even know if I can ever get pregnant.

This time I feel like someone ripped out my heart then smashed it in front of me with a hammer.

I fear that I'm going to die a depressed, anxiety ridden, childless old woman. It seems that life never gets fair. Praying to god doesn't get me a baby, letting go of the stress doesn't get me a baby, and even fucking having sex doesn't make it happen either. :(

I'm stuck in a dead end job that pays next to nothing and I can't get pregnant. What a blessed life I have. Not.

I am so sick of all the bumps!

Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever get pregnant? I wish someone can answer these questions for me. :(

Yesterday, I was at work and cornered by these pregnant women bitching about their OBs and how sick they were blah, blah. Just shut up and take your conversation elsewhere. Nothing like whining about your pregnancy in front of the infertile! Shoot me now.

I just can't comprehend how couples are already pregnant with their 2nd in a matter of a few months when I'm still on my first. Most likely everyone will complete their families before I even get enough money saved for a couple rounds of IVF. It's just not fair.

How can the woman caught on video beating her helpless infant call herself a mother??? Why isn't she infertile? You're telling me that she was "meant" to have a baby? Come the fuck on!

Ugh, Sunday is another Mother's Day passed without me getting to participate. Fuck Mother's Day. I get to work and hear the customers tell  me, "Happy Mother's Day, if you're a mother". I'm going to tell them I'm not due to infertility and watch them squirm.

Month 4 after lap, around ovulation time. Yesterday I had a major migraine and we didn't have sex. DH also had to go to work at 3am. Hopefully, I didn't ovulate yesterday. Screw those ovulation sticks, they don't work. Maybe we'll get it on today. Then again sex isn't getting me a baby, so my efforts are probably pointless this month too. When is it time to call it quits?

And the shit keeps piling up..

March was another failed month. 3 months into after the lap, 3 more months to go. It gets really tiresome failing all the time. No wonder dumb people drop out of high school.

We've moved to KY and it's alright here. Sure beats living in the boonies of MO. I'm glad to get the opportunity to go to school and majority of it paid for. Thank god! However, I still want to fit being a mother somewhere in there. Why can't I have both?

My husband is up my ass about getting a freaking job. Our finances suck due to his truck payment for a gas guzzling Dodge Ram, and the stupid ass loan he took out a few years back that won't be done until next year. So because of his financial mistakes he's pushing me into getting a fast food job. How the fuck is that fair? I've already paid my dues to fucking fast food.

Now we're in a fight because he put me down telling me my efforts so far aren't good enough. I've applied places; I can't make them give me a fucking job!! Because we have limited transportation and can't afford another car, I can't get a job 15 more minutes down the road. It wouldn't be worth it in the gas we'll be forking over for!! He already has to drive 15 minutes to work and back 5 days a week.

I hate my life. I'll be 30 in 3 years and what the fuck will I have accomplished? Nothing except for a failing marriage. I hate that I screwed up in my early 20s by moving to live with someone who was a control freak, liar, and kicked me out on the streets. Then I went back to live with my parents working a dead end job till I met my husband. Now I have a continuous failing marriage that I can't seem to get out of. Even if I left I would have nothing. I might as well put myself out of my misery and be done with life. Who am I kidding that life is going to get any better for me? I'm doomed to fail at everything. Miserably.

Where am I at?

I had the lap and hystero at the beginning of Feb just in time for that next cycle. Unfortunately, the cycle after the surgery was a fail and I'm still not pregnant. Such a surprise. In the middle of the 2WW seeing if I got lucky after this month. If not then I give it 4 more months then try out the shot the gyno suggested.

After that, the only option I have is to save for IUIs and if we get there IVF. Which I don't even know if it's possible. Maybe after I get a job and his stupid ass loans get paid off.

I'm just so freaking tired of living like this. I wish I could either A. seriously move on, or B. get freaking pregnant!!! I can't take another cruel year, I'm seriously going to end up in the nut ward.

He's marked as undeplolyable because of his back which they're not going to fix so we risk him getting kicked out of the Army and us living with his parents being broke. Then I can kiss being a mother goodbye. I hope the hell that doesn't happen because I will really be in the nut ward, I'll have given up on everything.

So many potential bad things can happen and I'm scared of them happening because I don't have the greatest luck.

Another niece, Yay!....NOT!

So the bitch had her baby. Yes another mouth that they can hardly afford to feed. Her poor parents won't be able to retire until their late 60s since they have to support their family. The baby has a redundant name, whatever as long as she didn't steal my choices. She also has 2 middle names, which I don't understand because they're not Mexican. Dumb.

I found this out because I logged onto FB and saw the announcements on my in-laws page. Like anyone cares. Then some lovely pictures of the hellish looking mother and one that knifed my heart was of my BIL sitting cuddling his new daughter. All of those pictures were painful to look at, because I kept thinking that should've been us. Will that ever be me? Sadly, I can't even picture myself holding a baby that's apparently mine. So very sad.

Thankfully, I won't ever have to see the child or the stupid bitch for that matter. I'm not participating in any holidays where LOs will be around until I'm pregnant. I don't need to be even more sad and depressed, when I'm feeling like shit on a daily basis.

The hardest part is being stuck. Knowing that we have a chance to conceive naturally, but wondering if we're wasting out time waiting. And the part about not having any funds for IVF.

I've lost hope, there's none left. This is the hardest pill to swallow.

New Year, maybe I'll get a pregnancy this year!

Christmas Break Review:
-Day 1 started off with DH's cousin going on and on about Sarah's pregnancy as I enter the room. I try to remove myself, but her voice is so damn loud and I end up hearing everything. I know more than I wanted to know, which was absolutely as little as possible.

-After that, I had to deal with being reminded of my niece and nephew's 2nd birthday. Another wonderful milestone in which I am still not pregnant.

-Playing with niece and being overwhelmed at how much she's advanced..gets me thinking of how much I want a child. Overall, I have mixed emotions around her. Thankfully, they were only there 5 days.

-More talk about the bitch's pregnancy.

-MIL stating that she'll visit her grandchildren when she retires. I'm sorry I don't have a grandchild for you to visit.

-Numerous pregnant bumps that surrounded me while Christmas shopping.

My Conclusion: This 2012 Christmas, I will not put myself thru this again. So I will be skipping Christmas and going on a little beach vacation. Don't give a shit, if my DH wants to come or not. I can't go thru another Christmas like that. Next year will be worse because I will be faced with the new baby who will be nearly 1.

New Year:

I'm really trying to be positive and not let this LTTC get to me. To an extent, I've pretty much given up..mentally. Or at least trying to get myself to accept the childless card I've obviously been dealt. Though, we are still trying. Just no OPks or temping..just us on prenatals.

It works some days, and other days it's all I can think about. My life is at a halt and our sex life sucks, but what can you do when you're desperately LTTC? Maybe if I had some sort of support this would be easy to get thru but I don't. That's some more wishful thinking. I hope this year is it because in the back of my mind, I'm thinking it's the last.