Another rant about my husband and infertility(shocker!)

So I call my mother to talk about if I look good in the color red, then the convo steers to if I know a certain girl from school that of course is pregnant. I tell her I vaguely know her and deleted her from FB since she's pregnant. It's my FB, I can choose who I can keep and delete off my friend's list.

Then my lovely mother proceeds to tell me I need to get past it. Really, because you know what it's like to struggle with infertility? Please advise me, NOT! I got irritated and told her that because she didn't struggle with infertility she has no clue how hard it is to see those announcements. Then my ignorant husband chimes in (while I'm still on the phone) with that's what I've been saying. STFU! Rude, much? So I dismiss him since I'm still on the damn phone.

Finish the convo and get off the phone to tell my husband I don't need his fucking comments. Then he has the nerve to get pissy with me? Are you fucking kidding me???!! You're the one interrupting my fucking phone call!! You know jack shit about infertility other than what I tell you (I highly doubt you listen) and don't pay attention to me when I'm crying about infertility. He doesn't care that I am depressed and have anxiety over it. He's the least bit supportive!!!!

So we get into this screaming match..then he tells me my mother was trying to advise me. Why the fuck would I take advice from a woman who knows jack shit about infertility???!!

Pretty fucking pissed!

So help me

God if my husband pisses me off tomorrow and ruins my birthday then it's over. I want a divorce. With the infertility, this marriage isn't worth it anymore. He doesn't give a shit about how I feel or what I'm going thru. All he wants to do is be a stubborn ass and bitch, bitch. This marriage is hanging on by a strand of hair. Love isn't enough anymore. He's going to blow this marriage. Sad, I don't have faith in us staying together or getting pregnant.

So Angry

I'm just so mad at life, people around me, my husband, and myself sometimes. I just want to feel better instead of having mixed emotions all the time, that don't include happiness. I feel angry, depressed, anxious, annoyed, nauseated, overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, sad, pathetic, etc. It's so hard to be a Positive Patty when you can't help but be a Negative Nancy when all the negative outweighs the positive in your life. Trying to deal with infertility, stress, depression, anxiety, and attempting to be positive is a fucking full time job..not to mention overwhelming.

It's bad that I want to skip my birthday..I don't care to turn 27. More wrinkles, gray hairs, getting closer to 30, and still fucking CHILDLESS!!! Ughhh. How do I even make it day to day?

My SIL's husband is coming back from his deployment and will be back for 18 months, so it's only a matter of time before she's pregnant with her 2nd. As if the other one's pregnancy wasn't enough to deal with this year. Maybe I'll miraculously get pregnant naturally this next year. HA! Wishful thinking!

What I wouldn't give just to see those 2 lines!

I believe for the New Year, I'm just going to delete my Fertile Book. There's no need to have it any longer, it just make me feel even more pathetic.

 I saw that a girl with stinking cystic fibrosis is pregnant with a honeymoon baby. WTF? One of the effects of CF is infertility!! Not to mention her life expectancy is 37. I mean that's great she's living her dreams but what about when she dies and leaves her husband as a single parent? That's how bad it is, a girl with CF gets pregnant but me a healthy 26 year old gets jack shit. FML.

Since my period decided to be 8 fucking days late, I now can't get drunk on Christmas and maybe not even NYE. Unless, my period comes early or on NYE. Watch it be late and I get it days later, making me sober on NYE. Gotta love the irony in my life.

Despite all this ranting, I'm trying to remain hopeful that I can get a BFP this month. Wouldn't it be great to start off my new year with a pregnancy?? Gosh I would die for that..give anything to have that. I mean we're leaving this awful base next year, why can't I have a positive piss stick too? I'm so desperate.

I hope to God I'm not going to end up childless not by choice. If that happens then I'm just going to throw myself into my career, further my education to maybe even a doctorates and buy materialistic things to make up for that emptiness. I can't have children then I want $$ and lots of it. Not that it will make up for it in any way, but at least I can buy Louboutins, a Mercedes, travel all over the world, things people with children can't afford to do.

Well that's it for 26

My goal of getting pregnant when I hit 26 isn't going to happen. I got my period today, freaking 8 days later! This was the last shot I had at getting pregnant before 27..ughhhhh. So depressing. Maybe I'll finally get to be a mother at 27.

So I'm incredibly bitchy from my cramps and backaches. Not in the mood to move, let alone go to the grocery store. We have next to no food in the house..I asked my husband if he would get me some takeout and he started bitching he didn't feel like leaving, blah, blah. Then turns to ask me why I don't go. I remind him that I hurt from my period. He starts spouting off that's a poor excuse. WTF? You bleed from your dick for 5-7 days, plus backaches, bloating, cramps, and PMS then come talk to me! I got so pissed that I left the room before I tore into his ass making it worse. Then he comes downstairs with attitude asking me what I want. Really? You're going to give me attitude after you're acting like an insensitive ass. Finally, he left to go get me something.

He could be a bit more sensitive to the fact that I'm upset my period showed and I hurt!! But noooooo, I'm inconveniencing him by asking him to get off his fucking WoW and do something for me. Never mind the fact that I don't hesitate when I he asks me to do things. Selfish prick.

Anyways, back to infertility. I need to delete my Fertile Book, plan and simple. Only torturing myself by scouring my home page for the next announcement or ultrasound picture. Makes me even more depressed that I'm not yet pregnant. If I can even get pregnant naturally at all. All the days blend together and I just find myself waiting till the end of the month to get disappointed again. Today is Day 1 of yet another cycle. When will this end? :(

Screw the rest of November!

Fuck the rest of this year for that matter! Caved and tested today, which I shouldn't have I already new it was going to be a BFN (big fucking negative). It's day 25 of my cycle so 4 more days to go until my period.

Fighting with my husband about his spending problem. The same problem we've been having since marriage. He just misuses the debit card, and I told him off. We're barely talking now. If he wants to fix the problem which will help our marriage, then you come to me and show me effort. I'm done trying to fix shit.  If it isn't fixed before out 2nd anniversary, then there won't be an anniversary. Finished playing around and tired of feeling this way.

Another 2 pregnancy announcements on FB, with people who have been married in way less amount of time than I have. People don't waste any time. Just pisses me off, because I should've already been pregnant and had a baby by now.

I HATE how infertility has taken over my life. I sleep, eat, and breathe it. I feel like if I try to act happy around people then I'm putting up this false front. Just tired of trying, feeling alone, and being unhappy.

I don't know if we're ever going to get on the same page and be in this together?

It's no secret that me and my husband aren't on the same page when it comes to this infertility. I'm wondering when he's going to wake up and smell the coffee.

My fears are that we're not going to have the money to pay for IVF (if he doesn't deploy) and that 2015 comes around he gets out of the army but can't get a job. Meanwhile, I'm still going to school full-time and working part-time..and we're still childless. I feel so depressed and down about this, I don't know what I'm going to be like in 3 years. The pain is already unbearable.

I know it sounds bad, but I don't want anything to happen to him either, but I want him to deploy so we can have the money to get IVF done. I'm sick of being stuck spinning my wheels and not being able to move forward in this painful journey. I just can't wait forever to have a baby...I can't keep on trying naturally for the next 3 years. I don't have that strength in me. We need to look into alternative options and go with it. If he doesn't want to, then I'm afraid it's going to come down to divorce. We HAVE to be on the same page and make the decision to go forward with this. Unfortunately, if he's not on board then we can no longer be married. Children are a deal breaker for me, and I want someone who will support me in the journey of achieving them.

This isn't how I envisioned my marriage. I've spent majority of these almost 2 years being unhappy because we're either fighting too much or being sad about not being able to conceive. I don't know if this marriage is a right fit anymore. I'm going to have to give it some time then make my decision..if things can't change (we keep on working on our marriage), and if we can't conceive a baby then there's no sense in staying married. Really, I don't want to wait too long and before it's too late.

Dreading the Holidays

These upcoming holidays are so family-baby oriented. Thanksgiving is all about family, Christmas is about Jesus's birthday, and small children ripping open gifts. It's all too much, really. Last year, I was hoping to get my birthday or Christmas wish of being pregnant with our baby. This year, I'm pathetically asking for the same thing. I was planning on being a mother already!!! Everyone else gets to be a mother, why not me?

Thank god, I managed to persuade my husband to stay home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to face babies or a particular bump. Maybe I can put my mind at ease and we'll conceive this month. I'm trying hard to be positive, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere yet.

Christmas on the other hand, I'm dreading..I don't want to go to his parent's house and be faced with babies and possibly the bump I'm avoiding. Only because it will take everything I got in me, not to strangle the shit out of Sarah. That bitch will get hers.

Anyways, I'm going to spend most of my time hiding out at my mom's where it's baby free. Until she starts drinking and getting on her soapbox about being a grandmother. Yeah, I got it. I'm trying the very best I can, but there's nothing more I can do about it. Unless you or dad want to pay for my IVF.

It's also going to suck, because my husband will be wanting to spend time at his parent's so I doubt I'll get to see him all that much since I refuse to go over there when Sarah's there. Hopefully, they stay down there. I don't want to face them, I'm already going thru enough.

I just hope I can have my BFP this month..it would be nice to get pregnant before I turn 27.

This isn't getting any easier!

I join this forum that's basically a support group for women LTTC and it's basically another Facebook. Really can't help but be a teensy bit jealous that these women are all conceiving or able to pay for infertility treatments while I'm stuck trying naturally. More or less, I'm going to delete my profile soon and just isolate myself virtually and physically from the world.

It sucks that I can't move forward and get IVF or conceive a baby. Every period hurts, the longer I go in this journey the more that it hurts. My heart aches during this struggle. What am I being punished for? I haven't done anything..I try so hard to be a good person and a better wife. What did I do to deserve this? I can't handle infertility anymore. I'm trying and trying but it's just not working. As of right now there's no putting an end to this, but I can't stop trying naturally. Everyone else who's gotten pregnant has told me not to give up. Well what do you do when you want to give up because the pain is just too much to endure any longer? Then do you get pregnant?

I wish I could do something about this, but obviously it's out of my control. Too bad, there's not a magic wand I can wave so I can get pregnant. Struggling to conceive a baby is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that when I finally do get pregnant I'm not going to be able to enjoy it, out of fear of miscarriage.

I'd give ANYTHING, do ANYTHING to be able to see those 2 pink lines.

I'm a good person and I'd be a wonderful mother. Not like the woman who strangled her baby and dumped him in the trash, or a mother who murders her baby then lies to the police about the baby missing. Those monsters don't deserve to call themselves mothers.

Things are changing, and it's not just the season!

We're moving come Feb to another base!! Thank goodness, we get to get out of this hell hole we're in now. Let me just say it's equivalent to Ft. Polk. I'm glad because not only will there be school opportunities but job opps as well, and more activities to do than go shopping at Wal-Mart!

On a depressing note, I'm still struggling to conceive our child. The fact that I'm approaching the 2 year mark is utterly depressing. I don't want to make it to that milestone. Please let me conceive a baby in the next 2 months, I don't want to hate 2011.

Not looking forward to the holidays, because I'm not going to be around Sara and her stupid bump..thus causing tension in the family. Oh well, she should have thought about that before she acted like an immature bitch. I plan to make our own Thanksgiving then I guess go home for Christmas for a few days, since he needs to save his leave for when we move.

Also, dreading the new wave of pregnant women cropping up this fall/winter. I most likely won't be included this round either.

Surprisingly, a friend of mine is finally pregnant with her first thru IVF and after 3 losses. I'm truly happy for her, but I can't help but be a teensy but jealous. Those who have experienced losses, at least know that they can get pregnant. Most of them end up shortly conceiving again after their loss. Whereas I have never ever experienced a positive pregnancy test, so I have no clue if I will ever get pregnant.

I want to give up on this heart-aching journey, but I can't.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

So stupid for thinking I could be pregnant this month. My fault for convincing myself with symptom spotting. It's not fair that when I get my period, someone else gets pregnant. Right now, it's popular to be knocked up with your 2nd. Too bad I don't have 1.

I'm seriously depressed..I have hardly anyone to turn to. Can't even talk to my husband about the baby thing because we'll argue about it. I still secretly blame him for us not getting pregnant. Really can't stop resenting him. There's no one around here to relate to because they all have children. The only friend I have is leaving in 2 weeks..so it's going to be really lonely.

My husband made this stupid financial mistake and we're screwed financially until the 14th of October. However, these are mistakes that he keeps making over and over. Today, I just blew up on him. I'm so overwhelmed this is happening and I just don't need this right now. I'm already depressed and upset enough that I can't get pregnant. Let's add financial issues we shouldn't be having to the mix. It will be a complete miracle that I ovulate this month! My hair is already falling out enough..I just can't take this right now.

It sucks that every time I try to take a step forward, make an effort to be happy that something or many of things come along and fuck that up. I feel like I can't ever move forward. Instead, I'm stuck spinning my wheels in this rut, continuing to be unhappy because I can't accomplish anything no matter how hard I try. Might as well give up on trying. What's the point? It's not like it's going to miraculously get me somewhere one day.

Maybe a BFP but unlikely..

So my other symptom would be diarrhea. I have no idea why I'm spotting symptoms when it's completely pointless. I want this to be my time but I doubt it.

Producing Breast Milk??!

Ok so I've never, ever produced breast milk before and I squeezed my nips to see if there was anything and there was some little yellowish bubbles. Ahhhhh!!!! It's not a common symptom of pregnancy but pregnant women can start producing milk whenever the pregnancy has been confirmed.

Well I took a pregnancy test today, expecting to see a positive, it was negative!!! Ughhhh. I don't understand. Then I looked online and it could be a tumor on my pituitary gland that's making me produce milk. That can be removed through surgery or with medication. Just wonderful. I hope to God it's not that and finally what I have been longing for. My period has to come Monday, so I'm going to wait and test again. Maybe I tested too early or my urine was too diluted, because I have been drinking a lot more water.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let this be it. I've had enough of my body playing tricks on me.

Seriously, another announcement?

My husband's friend had to tell my husband over the phone that his wife of 3 months is pregnant with his second child. They're all of 20 and he can hardly afford to pay for the first one. Absolutely ridiculous. It's always the ones who can't afford a baby who can pregnant within the drop of a hat. Just maddening. Then he texts my husband to tell him that the celebration of his child being on the way starts at 9. Ugh, no thank you. I'm not going over to celebrate your child, when I don't give a shit about your pregnancy. You two don't even need a child. No, my husband isn't going over there to celebrate this "exciting" news either. That's not fair to me. 

This bullshit news puts a damper on my day and causes arguments between my husband. I get reminded about our failure to conceive and get depressed all over again. Then how my husband fails to support me emotionally thru this difficult time. Maybe it will get better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out this month. My face can't take anymore breakouts and I need to conceive in the very near future. 

I'm afraid that I'm going to have a huge mental breakdown if it doesn't happen. I know I will. 

The one thing I want so badly, everyone else just keeps on getting

Of course another one of my husband's friends calls him to tell him his new wife is pregnant. Just married, plenty of bills, wife doesn't have a job, and already has to pay for another child...of course they're fertile myrtles.

My husband just left because we got into an argument about him taking his multivitamins. He doesn't want to take them because they're too big and he's already taking enough pills. He fucking takes 2 other pills daily. Big fucking deal??? If he didn't have a problem with his damn sperm then he wouldn't have to take them. It's just him being stubborn and trying to resist me. He says he doesn't have a choice in the matter of what I make him take. I'm not giving him arsenic for fucks sake! It's that simple, if he wants a child then he will shut the hell up about taking the vitamins and continue to ingest them. Instead of supporting me in this delicate matter, he has to act like a fucking ignorant hard headed dick and put up a fight. Why do I even try in this marriage? Why do I even try to get pregnant? It just gets me no where. We were doing so good until he had to go bitching about it.

I want a baby incredibly badly. It hurts every month that goes by and I'm empty handed. It hurts every time I hear another pregnancy announcement. Or every time I see a pregnant woman. I just want to make this pain and suffering go away...this doesn't help in me trying to be non-stressed around ovulation. It's like I'm just fucked either way and should give up now. Not like I'm getting ahead.

There's an Elephant in the Room

Earlier in the week my friend Cindy wanted to have a girl's night this Saturday with me and a few other women. Of those women happened to be a pregnant one that has smoked all throughout her pregnancy. I fucking HATE women who take their pregnancy for granted. Especially those that jeopardize their baby's health. Stupid bitch. Well I expressed to Cindy to count me out since I would be uncomfortable around the pregnant one. Ten to one should would probably bitch about her pregnancy and I would say something then it turns into drama. Best to opt out now.

Cindy got a little frustrated with me, and told me there's not many women who would still stay friends with me since I let this pregnancy get to me. Which surprised me because Cindy has PCOS..so if anything she knows about infertility. Only reason it doesn't bother her is because she's already mentally convinced herself she can't have a baby and isn't trying. She doesn't want a baby as badly as I do.

Anyways, we seemed to have smoothed it out, and she just decided not to have anything. Then I get a text this morning to come over at 7pm for pizza, beers, and girl fun. Didn't mention if the pregnant one was coming; I figured she wasn't due to the alcohol. But if the bitch smokes, why not drink too?

So I went to dinner with my hubby and came back close to 7 and noticed a silver sedan parked behind Cindy's SUV. The other girl that was supposed to come drives a SUV. I think this was the pregnant bitch. My husband leaves to go get a shake and notices a blonde smoking with one hand on her back. He said she wasn't slim and could have been pregnant. Cindy failed to tell me the pregnant one was coming. As a result, I didn't go over there at all.

I know I can't avoid procreation but I don't feel like seeing it more than I have to. I'm also annoyed with Cindy asking me to come over when she knew the pregnant one was going. As my friend shouldn't put me in situations where it makes me uncomfortable and upset. She should be sensitive to my feelings. I'm doing what's best for me, if she can't understand that, then that's not my problem.

Haven't talked to Cindy, so we'll see what happens in the next few days. I texted her back when I missed her call around 5pm so it's her move.

Uh I don't need this annoyance before my period starts...So for now I believe I'm going to give our friendship some distance.

On a positive note, we can finally take a small step forward in this TTC saga. My husband got referred to a urologist and we're just waiting on Tri Care to call. I pray that they can give us a solution to our issue.

I want to go home

Of course my period came. I already know deep down inside that it's not going to happen with him. It hurts, because I want us to work..but we aren't. He's just not husband material. Instead he tells me that I need to change!!! I'm trying to work on not blowing up at him, but it's hard when he's not trying to fucking spend time with me.

I have to bitch and ask him to spend time with me. It's such bullshit. I've had enough, I'm not getting what I need from this marriage. He doesn't get it because he's too hard headed to understand. I give and give then he just takes. It's so gosh damn one-sided. I can't take anymore of this, I'm going to crack.

To be honest, I don't care if he mails me divorce papers. I've tried but there's nothing more that I can do. Maybe I just need to stop and watch it end. I'll just go ahead and admit defeat now. I have failed at life, no one is going to want me now. I have nothing going for me...

Been Here Before

Back in the same boat for the fourth time now? I'm really starting to lose count. Period was due the 26th and hasn't showed yet. Took a test today and of course it reads negative. I don't even know why I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to buy a test. Not only did I waste $ but I also wasted a coupon. Only bonus is that 3 tests came in the box.

I am so getting mind fucked again. Who am I kidding, I know my period is late due to stress. If only I could stop fighting with my fucking husband and try to relax maybe then I'll get pregnant. Or maybe I just need to divorce him and move on. Sometimes I feel like it's just not meant to be with him.

This is really annoying waiting for this period. It's stressing me out, because I feel like this potentially could be it. Then again, I've got so many factors fighting against me, I know I've lost once again this month.

Maybe I should just throw in the towel and give up my dreams of having a baby. I get zero support from my husband...when it's his fault we can't conceive anyway. He should be helping and supporting me thru this difficult time, instead of me bottling it inside and silently suffering. Not to mention getting even more depressed as the months wear on.

I'm completely convinced

Even if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, then it would be ruined with the stress I'm under.

I was upset last night after logging onto FB yet again, and seeing another bitch post they're having a baby. 16 pregnant bitches I know now. Completely ridiculous. Anyways, I just lost it and started crying. I'm just convinced it's not going to happen and I can't see myself being a mother. Of course my husband doesn't offer me any comfort (physical or emotional)..I even asked for it 3 times. He just sat there repeating he doesn't know what to say to me anymore. Then give me physical comfort! We fucking talked bout this twice now! How long does it take to sink in??? So I got pissed then told him, I didn't want it anymore. Got dressed and made some nasty comment about how he couldn't get me pregnant and left. Long story short, we got into it really bad. And now I WANT to go home. I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

He thinks it's hard to hear about his sperm, how the fuck does he think I feel? I want a baby so badly I'd do ANYTHING to get pregnant..he just shrugs his fucking shoulders. I also feel that since the issue lies with him, that he needs to be a lot more fucking supportive and comforting than he has been!!!

Honestly, if I would have known about that SA then I wouldn't have chose the Army life with him. It makes it that much harder. Then I think of how we can't get along and feel that it's really not worth it anymore. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant because I made a mistake in marrying him? I don't know anymore. I feel like by staying I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Then again, I think who is going to want me after I get divorced? No one, so I feel stuck.

Can't Get it Off My Mind

As I'm sure I've said before, I wish I could stop thinking about babies! It's so annoying laying in bed awake at night just thinking about a pregnancy and wishing I could get pregnant soon. Ugh.

Every time I go out, there's at least one pregnant person everywhere I go. I guess people have nothing better to do and have never heard of birth control. I keep thinking about Sarah's pregnancy..and hating her even more. I just feel like she took my turn. But life isn't fair, and in no way are they financially able to support another child. We are!!!!!

Well the whole dental assistant and hygienist fell thru. So I'm back to looking at nursing, and I won't be able to get into any of the programs this fall. I will have to wait to apply next year. But next year, he'll be back home and I want a baby. If I have to choose between a baby and school, I'll hands down choose to have a child. I don't want to apply to nursing programs around STL and be stuck there when he'll be back in Ft. Leonardwood. That's not going to happen. It would be perfect if I could conceive before he deploys, then that way I can still do schooling when he comes back. Even if it meant living 2 hours away from him. But if I had good luck then there would be no problem, seeing as I don't, I'm pretty much fucked.

It really sucks being a woman.

Period, what else?

Of course I didn't miss my period. As I near these last 3 cycles, I already know it's not going to happen..So what's the point of trying, or wasting $ on OPKs? Not going to able to conceive a baby this year. As the months go on, how can I have faith? I don't anymore. I HATE TTC!!!! I really don't want to take a break from it, but I don't have a choice.

I believe I've seen a pregnant bump everyday this week. I need to stay inside so I won't be exposed to that crap. Everyday on Fertilebook, there's a new ultrasound profile pic. MAKE IT STOP!!! Or at least give me my pregnancy!!! Well, IUI or IVF is in my near future. I'm still going to go thru with it. I can't go another 2 years feeling this way. I'm going to end up locked away in the nut ward if I do.

Maybe this will be my month. Please let this be my month.

Feeling lucky today

Awoke feeling very, very nauseated. Thought I was going to puke all over myself in bed. But I burped and it tasted like vomit, so my stomach contents were making their way up. Good sign!! Not going to run and get a test, just going to wait patiently to see if Rosy comes. Trying hard to relax and not get my hopes up.

I finally scored one of those Bounty $5 off coupons after trying all this month, got my lovely Tom Ford sunglasses in yesterday, and I get to eat Jack in the Box today. So I'm feeling pretty lucky today and hopefully it stays that way for a while. Even if my stupid period comes, I'll just do my best to keep a positive attitude and try harder this next month.

I found a couple of other schools who have the dental assistant program. I'm going to keep on pursuing that angle next week.

Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that this will finally be my month after trying for almost 17 months now.

Note about school

I see that I won't be able to place into dental assisting until Jan 30th, I take a test..then it's a selective admissions in which they don't take just anyone. Shit. The last time I was in college was freaking 08'!! Most of my brain power has been left behind in that year. I don't know what to do, I guess I'll still take classes this fall..then just take the test. Or maybe just start pre-reqs for something like a medical assistant then decide from there. I don't want to do nursing, everyone does that. Why the hell do they have the test in Jan? Why not have it over the dam summer? Because you're holding those people back who want to get in the program from pursing their back-up plan!!!

I guess if I get pregnant, I'll still go ahead and go for like medical assistant; then see how far I can get on that. Or even if they offer online courses, that will work too.

Baby, baby, baby on the brain!

Geez I wish I could get my mind off of babies, pregnancy, and ttc. I feel like I'm slowly going mad.
Maybe that's part of the 2 week wait. However, it's usually not this bad. I'm a bit more relaxed and slightly anxious. Lately, I'm just having trouble focusing on other matters at hand. Then again, I think it's because everything is being dropped on me at once. He's deploying at the latest Sept. 10th; earliest end of July, if he fails. I need to go next month and see about school, but I don't want to start till the week of the 10th because I'm going to be ovulating before he leaves. Maybe I can drive down specifically to get it on that day??

I also know that this IVF is becoming a reality for me. At first, I thought it was something that we would never have to do, still denied it after I got the results of his SA..Now in the next 3 months, it's very real and scary. But I have a year to prepare myself. Not to mention another year of my biological time clock ticking and another birthday passing me up. That's going to be the worst. Maybe I'll buy myself something really nice for my birthday, like a nice new purse. More of a pity materialistic present for what I really want.

Well I feel like this is my month, then again I have very little hope. Not much signs pointing to pregnancy except for my face isn't horribly broke out, boobs feel a bit heavy (but I'm probably imagining that), and a little nausea. I guess I'll wait out the next 4 days and see.

One more week to go and husband's deployment in the very near future.

Already have 1 week of my TWW down. I must say it went pretty fast.

As my period isn't far off..hopefully it is another 9 months away, I'm still not looking forward to discussing the Sarah issue. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I don't need that right now. Really, I'm just ready to go home, tell them my version, and get on with my life. Then I won't have to deal with it till the holidays.

Husband told me Saturday that he's slotted to deploy Sept. 10. If he fails his tests next month it will be much sooner. So I have about 2-3 more chances to get pregnant.  I don't want him to go because I still want to keep on trying naturally, but then again I can start saving $ for IUI or IVF. Plus, there's also that worry what if something happens to him? God forbid. It's going to suck waiting another year for a baby when I've been desperately wanting one for the past 2 years.

I really need a miracle. Just going to stay focused on the goal at hand, and try to be as positive as I can about it. It can still happen.

Dreading going home to visit my in-laws

Positive news, I got my positive ovulation test..the other day. First positive I've gotten since Dec. Let's hope that means I'm pregnant at the end of the month. My husband didn't get sent to Ft. Carson, he tests in July. So I think this was meant to happen like this and I'm going to be pregnant at the end of the month. I just hate driving my hopes up like this. Hopefully this time they won't get crushed.

On another note, we're going home next weekend. I'm not looking forward to discussing the Sarah saga with them. Really it's no one's business, Sarah just decided it was. I'll just say my bit and how I feel, if they don't understand or at least try to, it's not my problem. I think they'll understand it to an extent. Just don't feel like discussing it, I'm fine pretending she doesn't exist. No sense in stressing myself out over unnecessary people. On top of that my period is due the day we leave on Sunday. So if it decides to come it will be a sucky way to end the weekend.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts for the end of this month! PLEASE. I'm so ready to create my beautiful baby!!

Where oh where are you positive ovulation test?

WTH? I'm sick of playing hide and go seek with my ovulation! I'm back to my regular scheduled 29 days, so my ovulation should be here somewhere! If I can't get a positive then I'm calling another gyno to get on Clomid. Seriously, the last time I got a positive was Dec. I was actively using them and haven't gotten a positive since then. Of course I gave up for a bit there too.

I guess I'll just do sex every other day because of his count and motility, keep testing, if I don't get a positive then I'm going to take the next step. I'm also going to call Tri-Care about his infertility..a freaking lab nurse told him they wouldn't cover him going to a urologist. If they're going to cover Clomid for me, then surely they'll cover whatever they can give him!!

Come on positive pregnancy test at the end of the month!!!

I think I'm going to be down to 0 friends on my FB.

Seriously, wtf? How many more people am I going to have to delete off my FB? I've deleted 3 more pregnant ones this week! Even hid a guy's status that he knocked up his wife again. At least they don't boast like the women do all over their FB. Why can't I be a part of this pregnancy wave? Grrr.

I even had a talk with my vagina as I elevated my hips after sex. Told it to help my husband's sperm along to the final destination. In which, I wasn't ovulating today, so at least hang around where my egg will come thru!!

Just feel like banging my head against the wall. How can something that's supposed to be so easy and natural be such a fucking struggle? I mean I know I have to do things the complicated way, but come on sperm meets egg and makes a baby. It can't get that much simpler!

Maybe I just need to have a chat with my husband's balls and tell his sperm that they need to stop being lazy.

Please, please, please let me get a positive ovulation test so we can do it on the right day and then get a positive pregnancy test at the end of the month!! PLEASE!

I just want to be a Mommy!

That's all I want..Honestly if I could take everything I have and trade it in for motherhood, I would.

So he's not leaving for Ft. Carson. That means we have this cycle to try and I've been trying to figure out my ovulation. Because of this stress of fighting, I don't even know if I'm going to ovulate. I do think I'm going to start back up temping. On this forum I'm reading, apparently it's more accurate if you stick it in your vagina or up the rear.

Maybe this is a sign that I'm going to get my pregnancy. Then again if I were to go off signs, I'd be pregnant back in March. I guess we'll see if 2011 holds a pregnancy for me. Please, please, please. I'd do ANYTHING to be a mother!

Timing is Everything!

Please, please, don't let my husband be gone for my ovulation time!!! In which I'll start testing on the 11th day (6/08). But if he leaves for Ft. Campbell he'll leave this weekend. :( Unless they take a base flight over there. Uggghh. Oh well, it's not like we can get pregnant naturally anyway.

If he passes then he'll get a deployment date then we can try up until then. If he fails then he'll deploy and I'm that much closer to IVF. So I guess either way it's a win, win for me.

A New Day

As far as the Sarah ordeal goes, I'm pretty much done with it. She's not worth my time, let alone any more of my thought. I did however ask my cousin to (since they talk) tell her to mail back my Dexter seasons. I want my stuff back..And my cousin didn't message me back right away, so I immediately jumped to conclusions that she sided with Sarah. Thank goodness that wasn't the case. I hate how Sarah had to be a cry baby and drag people into this. Completely childish. You would think someone with a college degree, mother of 2, and working on her master's would be more of an adult.

So now that I'm done talking about that, until I go home and my in-laws want to discuss it, now I can move onto more important things..such as my period ended today and around next weekend into early next week I will have my fertility window. However, if my husband passes his tests this week he will be going the week of my ovulation to Ft. Carson for his tests. If he fails, then he's kicked out to 509 and will deploy in 2 weeks. Then I'm only a year from IVF. I want him home for my ovulation! The military has awful timing.

Oh and since everyone is having their baby, there's now a new wave of pregnant women. I've been having to delete some new friends off my FB. Majority of them I don't really talk to them anyway. It just sucks that I can't be part of this new wave..that Mr. Stork, God, whoever chose my fucking SIL instead. Oooo have I got so much hate towards her. This holiday ought to be interesting, because I won't be present when she is. I am NOT going to sit there watching everyone fawn all over her bump. Absolutely refuse.

It sucks that I look like the bitch.

After much debate, I deleted my SIL from FB. I had the decency to send her a message before hand. She didn't return the favor. Instead, she goes whining to everyone else but me..My husband comes home and asks me if it was really necessary. Yes, yes it was. And if he bothered to even understand how I felt, then he wouldn't have to ask. So as a result, I look like the bitch.

My husband and I ended up fighting over it last night. I felt that he was siding with her. My husband hasn't been there for me during this hard time, even though he should be. Then I look on his FB today and come to find out, he messaged her trying to smooth things over. At the end he says that he's there for her and his brother if they need him. Seriously? Where the fuck have you been when I've been dealing with infertility issues alone? When it's not even my fault we can't have a baby? I know, I need to stop thinking like that, but I have soooo much sadness built up that's turning into anger.

She replies back and has the audacity to call me selfish, that she doesn't need me bringing her down, that she's talking to the wrong person about ttc, and that this is something that isn't to be forgotten. Excuse me??? She has no right to call me selfish, when she hasn't even bothered to talk to me about it. Her fucking ttc struggle has ended, she's blessed with twins and another on the way!!!! Her doctor didn't tell her there was nothing more they could do for her. They got lucky and Clomid worked for them on the fucking first try!!! So she has no god given right to sit there and say I don't know what struggling to conceive is. Guess what? I do because I'm still fucking going thru it!

So I sent her another message and this one was bitchy, I honestly don't care..If she can't bring herself to put herself in my shoes and really try to understand how I feel then that's not my fault. I said I was sorry, my first message was heartfelt. If she wants to hold it against me, then take it to your grave bitch. Never once did I say that I wanted nothing to do with her, I congratulated her on the news, told her I was happy for her deep down inside, but at the moment I just can't express it. If she's going to sit there and try to make me out to be the bad guy, then go right ahead. It just tells me what kind of person she is, a fake one.

If she doesn't respond this time, that tells me she has no sympathy or care to understand of what I'm going thru, and is placing the blame on me for our relationship falling apart. She'll be dead to me then. I mean it's unfortunate because when they come to visit, I will avoid her like the plague. But I wasn't the one who said nasty comments to her husband. I just can't call someone like that family.

I wish I didn't feel anything.

I wish that I didn't have any emotions, if that makes sense. I'm just tired of feeling sad and down in the dumps all the time.

Brought myself to congratulate my SIL on her pregnancy. Of course she didn't acknowledge the fact that we're struggling with ttc, she just basked in her glory. Which makes me more in favor of deleting her from my FB..I don't feel like seeing pregnancy related statuses, bump, or ultrasound pics. It will just make me feel even worse about my situation..Out of sight, out of mind. Just what I have to do to keep my sanity and to keep moving forward.

Not only am I going to have the weight of my husband's deployment on my shoulders, but that means the end of trying naturally and one step closer to IVF..I just didn't need this right now. I keep telling myself it's just a nightmare. An ongoing one at that.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Please someone tell me. I just don't understand how people like Casey Anthony or that woman who microwaved her baby can be mothers but I can't??

It's just NOT in my cards..

Of course my period comes, shocker! But then I just got the news that my sister-in-law is expecting. Greaatttt. Couldn't have waited till I got pregnant?? But they say it was unplanned. She still could have gotten on birth control, just because you don't ovulate every month doesn't mean you're fucking sterile. I'm just so glad that God can bless them 3 times, but nothing for me. Thank you.

I know it's not her fault but I'm hurt and upset...it's going to be another thorn in my side seeing another bump especially around the holidays. (She's due in Jan) Not only will my husband be deployed again, but I'm surely not going to be pregnant by then...Instead we'll be saving for IVF. I'm not going to able to be around her for the holidays. Watch my other sister-in-law get knocked up when her husband comes back from deployment. Then it will be 3, 2, and me still with 0.

Maybe I should just save myself the agony and get my tubes tied. Go ahead and be one of those, career oriented women..making tons of $ to replace the fact that I'm not able to achieve motherhood.

Getting closer to another period.

It's due Saturday at the latest, but my period has been so off there's no telling when it will come. Since when am I irregular? My body just hates my guts. It will probably come Sat or be late, and fuck with my mind once again. I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant.

Only have a total of 3 pregnant friends on my FB, plan to keep it that way. There's one about to pop and the other doesn't update every day about kicking, or her cravings so I'm thankful for that. The other, I feel bad for because she was like me desperately wanting to get pregnant then it finally happened but he has CDH, he could either live or die.

I want to be pregnant so bad..maybe us moving out this weekend and passing our 1 year anniversary will bring new beginnings, hopefully positive life altering changes.

Where can I locate the off switch for my mind?

Never have done 2 posts in 1 day...First time for everything.

We made up, he actually took the time and brain power to compose a list of compromises for me. I was extremely baffled that he really cared. Actions say a lot, and well he doesn't put forth action. It's now taped to the fridge.

But hey, I hear if you can survive the first 2 years of marriage that it will withstand a lot in the future and get better in time. Maybe that's why God hasn't given me a pregnancy, due to the troubles we're facing. Well guess what God, we're trying and no one's perfect. What I do know is that my husband and I will make truly wonderful parents. I'm going to keep on trying up until his deployment, and if you can't bless me with a pregnancy by then...then I'll have to resort to science to get what I need. Sorry, I'm not going against your nature. It's just something I have to do, to satisfy my burning desire to be a mother.

Stop giving me expired lemons, Life!

Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of talking about making a baby on here and in everyday life..I'm also tired of it consuming my train of thought. Why do we have to procreate?

Period is due next Saturday and I'm already broke out like no other, and I know it's coming. Deep down, I know my husband won't be able to get me pregnant. Unless, I want to keep on trying naturally for 5 years. But we don't have 5 years, seeing as he deploys every other year. Not to mention he's 31 so at 35, his sperm count will be shot to the shit. Ultimate fail, no winning here.

But what's the point of trying for a baby when my marriage is going down the shitter? I'm actually tired of fighting for it, and am going to stand by to watch it go up in flames. Why should I always be the one to try to mend things, and try to solve our problems? Marriage takes two!!! It should have been a big red flag waving that he was 29, good looking, decent job, and single.

Right now he's sleeping on the couch downstairs, and I stay upstairs in our bedroom when he's home. I don't want to even look at him. So ashamed that our marriage isn't working and he isn't even trying to get past his hard headedness to try to fix it. I've already said everything there is to say the only thing I can do is repeat myself which I'm sick and tired of doing. Maybe it's all my fault because I married a man that I didn't know all that well. Thinking we were compatible when secretly we weren't.

Airing out My Thoughts

Of course when I need to vent this site is down.

What's that someone else in Hollywood is knocked up? Who cares? The world's overpopulated enough. As pathetic as it sounds I feel jealous when the next celeb is pregnant. It must be nice to have the $ for fertility treatments enabling you to have a baby to fit your schedule. 

On a suckier note, my husband and I are fighting once again. It's over WoW, in which World of Warcraft has been known to ruin marriages/relationships. In short, it's an extremely involving fantasy game that requires a lot from the player thus leading to an addiction. Which when he comes home around 4 he'll be on it until bed time, only getting off of it to shit, shave, and eat. Leaving little to no time spent with me. Women need attention; marriages require time and effort. At the moment he's not investing hardly any time in this marriage. I've tried to ignore it before, and tried to compromise with him to 2 hours a night and longer on weekends. He's says he'll cut it down, but doesn't. I shouldn't have to sit there and monitor his game time; I'm his wife, not his mother. So I've put my foot down this time and told him to get rid of it. Yeah, that's not going to well either..but if he wants to keep me as his wife then it leaves the house or I will. We're not speaking to each other. And our 1 yr anniversary is this Sunday; that's already ruined. 

I don't want to drown on and on about my marriage but it ties in with the baby thing. Every time we fight, I'm one step closer to separation at least, maybe even divorce. It's not like he can give me a child, so is what I am putting myself thru even worth it? Don't get me wrong I do love him, and understand that marriage has it's ups and downs. But this marriage has had a helluva lot of downs in this one year. I'm guessing love is holding this marriage together and the fact that I don't give up too easily. 

Mother's Day

Well didn't meet my goal this year of being a mother or mommy to be this Mother's Day. Trying to shoot for next year, but that looks like it isn't going to happen. Fuck Mother's Day.

Mind fucked

Once again, my period is late. I don't think I mentioned last month my period was 2 weeks late. Very depressing to have no period and a pile of BFN tests..Went to the doctor to take a blood test and the results were negative of course. Finally it shows up. Well I'm on the 29th day today and not a spot of blood. I'm seriously over my period being late; I'm getting mind fucked. It seriously messes with my emotions and gives me false hope that this could be it.

This time is the worst for me, because I take out my anger and frustration on my husband. We fight about things couples shouldn't even fight about. Although, I do believe he could spend a lot less time on WoW and more time with me. If WoW continues to be an issue, it's going to be out of this household very quick. Anyways that's another topic.

I just don't understand why a pregnancy can't happen for me? Why do I continue to have these false alarms and signs? To bear this torture? Just want to know what I have done to be denied this joy. I would give absolutely anything to be a mother, my heart hurts every month around this time. To top it off, Mother's Day is nearing and I can't escape the fact that I'm not a mother.

It's so sad that I have to try to shun myself from reproduction. No more going to baby showers, deleting pregnant friends off of Facebook, turning the channel on tv shows were a character is pregnant are things I have to do to to try to keep my sanity. This awful journey seems never ending. I'm even crying as I type this..

I wish..

I wish and I hate to say this, that I would have married a man that was able to give me children.

My body hates me!

It happened. I've missed a period. Now you're thinking, this might be it! I thought so too. 3 negative pregnancy test, a negative blood test, and still no period later I am not pregnant. My body fucking hates my guts. At first I was rather thrilled, but still tried my damndest to not get my hopes up. Didn't work. Of course I was already browsing maternity wear and pissing on a pee stick like pregnancy was going out of style. Today I went to get my blood work and they confirmed what the tests said(hoping they were false).

With all this negativity how is one expected to stay positive? I put in positivity and get back negativity! Complete and utter bs. "It will happen when it happens", "It's not your time yet (no shit!)", "When you stop trying it will happen", or "God works in mysterious ways". Yeah well I've tried, then I've given up on trying and it still hasn't happened. I'm beginning to think God thinks I'd make a crap mother, so that's why he's not making it happen for me.

Why am I not surprised? I have often gotten the shitty end of the stick in life. Not finished with school, engaged to a freaking pathological liar who turned my life upside down, $ troubles, got married to a man who can't give me a child naturally, the list goes on, etc. I have officially decided that I'm done trying for a child. It's just not happening naturally and frankly I can't take any more of the emotional despair that goes with it. Looks like I'm waiting till we get the $ for IVF in a year..and in the mean time focusing on school and a career. FUCK IT!

I'm starting to not care.

It's rather sad I've gotten to this point of not caring. I mean what more can I do? I'm not necessarily giving up all together but almost. Often, I feel like this dream of mine is unachievable. At least right now. The more I want it, the more I end up with big fat negatives and bloody tampons. So maybe I'm changing tactics and am just like whatever all together. See if that works. I still have that broodiness of wanting to be a mother, that will NEVER go away; I'm just trying to put it on hold right now.

I also have gotten a babysitting gig, Mon, Wed, and Fri for about 7-8 hours during the day. It is rather challenging since the baby is 8 months and teething. He fights me on baby food, sometimes bottles, and taking a nap. These last 3 days with him have been a nightmare, I find myself questioning wanting a baby. Then again, I hear it's different when it's your own. And I also don't know what it's like to be a mother. Hopefully, it will get easier. In a way, I think he is satisfying my want.

Maybe if I take away the stress and so much emphasis on trying that it will happen naturally. Then again, this babysitting gig is stressing me out, so maybe not. I think I'll give it another week, and if things don't get better..then I'm going to give it up. I don't need an added stress when I'm trying to eliminate one.

Guess What!

My period came. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm if you couldn't already tell). I was actually upset over it. Seriously, I don't know where this sliver of hope comes from..it should be slowly dwindling down. I don't even know why I try.

As each cycle passes me up with a rosy coming each time, I accept more and more that this isn't going to happen naturally. Really after being disappointed for a year now, how can I be positive? With the results from his sperm test explaining why it hasn't happened, how can I still have hope it will happen naturally? How much longer can I keep on hurting myself month after month?

If I don't try then I feel like I'm failing myself..even when I do try, I feel awful and even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Then I try not to care about it, but that doesn't work either! I just can't win. There's really nothing positive about this trying to conceive crap. It's like I'm being punished by marrying a man who has an issue with his sperm. I mean he's gotten 2 girls pregnant before(one aborted it, the other miscarried), plus he comes from a fertile myrtle family, so why can't he get me pregnant???

I hate this, I really do.

Here I am again in this never ending cycle!

Where am I at in my current situation? Well I've come to terms with IVF may be the answer, my husband is slowly coming around. For the time being I have kind of given up on trying, a little sick of being disappointed but more or less not trying as hard. I didn't even buy ovulation tests for this last time.

My husband isn't deploying in March, we now are bought a little more 2-3 more months. I'm taking this as some sort of sign that positivity(pregnancy) is going to come our way. Trying to relax and take the pressure off as much as I can. With all that being said, today is the 29th day of my cycle meaning my period is supposed to start tomorrow. Lately my period has been coming at least 2-3 earlier. Pregnancy signs include really heavy breasts, even sensitive nipples, and some nausea. I'm not over thinking my body this time either. So again I'm in the situation like I've been in so many times before, hoping that this time will be it. Maybe this time it will take. I hate how I get my hopes up but I can't help it. Come on, it's got to be it this time.

The Controversies of IVF

I wish that we could conceive naturally..but due to his low motility and count the chances of it happening are vey low. Being in the military, him wanting to get out in 4 years..we don't exactly have a lot of time. Not to mention he's 31, at 35 the sperm quantity starts declining. He doesn't have that much to begin with 7.5 million.

So now we're faced with opposing sides on IVF. I wish to do whatever it takes, he doesn't want IVF because it's not natural. Well if we can't conceive naturally then we really don't have a choice, if that is what it takes to get a pregnancy. Honestly, I don't want to have to go through this either. We're having the hardest time compromising on this situation. He says fine we'll go with it, but he complains about how expensive it is. The shit isn't going to be cheap, and it's not guaranteed to work. That's why I'm looking into the places that have a money back guarantee if it doesn't work. Or I'm considering donating eggs to help the cost too. He says that it couldn't hurt for me to get retested. Why would I get retested when my tests panned out just fine? If anything he should be getting retested because he was the one that didn't add up! Also, he wants to try for 6 more months when he comes back from Afghanistan. We've already tried for a year, not to mention I'm going to have to go a whole year struggling to cope with the fact that I'm not yet pregnant. The time to cut off trying naturally is coming soon, I'm NOT going to wait till the last minute to try to conceive. I won't.

This shouldn't be an argument but it is. I wish that he would be 100% supportive, and be there for me. Instead he has to be stubborn, hardheaded and feed me his negative opinions, or bitch about it. He says since I don't want to hear his opinions then he's done talking about it, and I shouldn't expect him to support me like I want. WTF? That's not 100% supporting me then. If he causes me this much stress and hurt when I undergo IVF then it won't take. Then he'll really be bitching about money going down the drain.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like I should be the one to call the shots..seeing as I'm more responsible and motivated than him. Not to mention I'm the one who wants this more than anything, plus it will be a part of me. He is too optimistic, saying it will happen when it's meant to happen. If I let him take the reins then I'll be 35 by the time I have my first child or not have any at all.

I don't know, this whole situation just seems to get worse and worse. How far can I go emotionally and mentally in this dream? I often feel like I'm by myself in this.

Don't ever tell me "It will happen when it happens."

 The only people who believe that are those who aren't even trying for a baby and either A. already have one, B. those who have previously tried then gave up then it magically happened, or C. those who don't have any children period, let alone a husband, and then you have your D. optimists.

 I will seriously cause the next person who says that to me physical pain. Guess why it's not going to happen when it happens, because my husband has a fucking low sperm count! Yes, it was confirmed yesterday that my husband has a low count. So I'm doing everything the websites say to increase them. No more hot baths, taking his multivitamin, and cutting out the tobacco. There's nothing we can do about the stress, and even stressed out people conceive babies. Also the baby and medical websites have listed if this doesn't increase the sperm, then either A. we try forever naturally or B. we look into insemination or IVF which will cost an arm and a leg. Why must a natural act that's supposed to be free cost the same as a new car?

  As I stated last time, we have this cycle and maybe next to conceive naturally. After that he deploys for a year..we'll see how I'll hold up. I'm probably going to fall apart and end up in a psycho ward. Great now I'm crying again. I just stopped crying today, I couldn't stop the tears yesterday. I wish we had the money to do the insemination now, but we're going to have to wait. Oh I forgot to mention when I received the results, I called my gyno to see what was the next move for me. He said it would be a waste of time to run any more tests on me, and to put me on Clomid since my husband is the one with the issue. Then he referred me to a fertility specialist in Saint Louis. Extremely heartbreaking and devastating to hear those words, to be told that you are at that point you didn't you think you would be at.

 To top it off, my husband doesn't want IVF but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So that's causing a rift in our marriage. Honestly, I don't want to have to go thru any of this but if that's my only choice then I have to.

  Of course this stress is put on me right before my ovulation time. When I'm slightly counting for this time or maybe next to be it.

 Where does one draw the line at trying to conceive naturally? Do you wait till this last minute, his cut off age and your before you try to do the fertility treatments? Do you do it when we'll have some of the $?

 I guess my answer is to try these last maybe 2 months and then when he comes back from deployment, take what money we have and try the insemination, then the IVF if that doesn't work.

I feel like I want to rip every last hair out of my head!

Seriously life, stop making me jump thru hoops to get what I want!!!

    So results are done on my husband's sperm analysis and he has a low sperm count. Greeatt. Like I specified we're going to have to have sex on the exact day I ovulate. In which I don't understand how it can take men with low sperm count longer to conceive when it only takes one sperm to fertilize an egg. Even when we've had sex on the right day, still nothing.

  I called my gyno's office to see if I can turn in the document and schedule an appointment to see if I can get on the Clomid. Of course I have one more test to go thru, but seeing as he's booked till March I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Waiting till March isn't an option, I don't have till March. Once I clear one hoop, now I got to figure out how I'm going to get thru the next one which happens to be on fire! WTF? Can I not catch a break?

Then in the back of my mind I'm still counting on this time to be it. This is just too much for me to handle right now.

Time is officially ticking.

My husband goes to certification next month in Kansas. This means if he certifies, passes his tests, he will get deployed in March. And my time will be up for TTC. Then I won't get my pregnancy for 2011. Unless, I can make it happen this month, or next month. Also if there will be enough time in March. So really, I have this cycle and next. Now, starting this Friday will be my 12th day and when I start the ovulation kits. In which, if my husband does indeed have a low sperm count then we have to get the direct day of ovulation.

Well, he did submit a sperm sample last Tue. But it was a very small amount, and what he submitted had a low sperm count. He has a redo tomorrow, in which he needs to get past the fact of jizzing in a cup and just do it. It needs to get done. This is the only thing holding me back and well this month passing me up in taking Clomid.

Even if it doesn't happen this cycle, I'm still counting on next month to be it with the Clomid. I don't know how I do it, but each month I still have a sliver of hope that this could be it. Maybe being more positive will help, maybe not. How come it's so easy to be negative, but so hard to be positive?

Just going to keep it together emotionally, try to relax, and pray really hard that I can get pregnant before he leaves.

Surprise, surprise..my period came!

Yeah I knew it was coming, just kept trying to convince myself otherwise. Didn't work. Although, I was a tiny bit upset this morning. I'm kinda used to the disappointment now. A little ounce of me is still keeping strong and somehow I'm still managing to keep on trying for a baby. I have never wanted something so badly in my life. Honestly after almost a year of nothing, I don't know how I keep on going.

Maybe it's because I've got until March, two more cycles to get pregnant. I got my wish and I got a little more time but I can't take Clomid in time with this cycle so it looks like I'm going to get one round in during March. I hope that round counts or I get lucky and I get pregnant this cycle. Just trying to stay positive and not stress myself out over anything. Just trying to relax and let this happen. Of course with some effort that is now routine for me.

4-5 more days to go. Can I just get it over already?

Doctor Update: Everything checks out, all my hormone levels are normal. The problem may be with my husband's sperm or my eggs not be quality enough. But he can't put me on Clomid until my husband gets his sperm analyzed. In which that looks like it may or not happen on the 18th. If it doesn't, I'm fucked and only get to put in one round of Clomid before he deploys. I've got 2 more cycles to get pregnant. It's extremely heartbreaking that I'm now down to that slim chance. Maybe if my husband tested last year like I had asked him then I wouldn't be facing this obstacle now.

I mean I don't know if Clomid is my answer but it's increased odds, which is better than I have now. We don't have the money to see a fertility specialist so this is my only hope. I'm clinging on to every ounce of hope that I have left, and praying that I get pregnant before he deploys. It's so incredibly hard going through this..at times I just want to give up and get my tubes tied.

6-7 mored days, can I just hit the fast forward button on the remote?

More zits are popping up on my face. Yes, I get new breakouts when my period is coming. So it's most likely coming, although I still have an ounce of hope it's not going to come. Still doesn't explain my increased appetite, I'm eating everything! Maybe it's all in my head, and I've lost my marbles.

Pregnancy signs of today: Heavy boobs, backaches, and appetite in over drive. I still don't feel bloated for my period just yet..and now is about the time my abdomen balloons up. I am keeping an eye out for any implantation bleeding, it's supposed to be a little spotting that comes anywhere from the 5th to the 12th day after ovulation. However, not everyone has implantation bleeding. It also could have came already and I wouldn't know.

This is so hard, I almost lost it last night. But I can't give up, even though I want to. It's going to be a year next month of having unprotected sex and still no pregnancy. I mean it's only the second month of me actually getting it right, but it just seems to be such a challenge for me. When I don't try, nothing happens..when I do try, still nothing.

My husband's sperm analysis appointment got rescheduled to next Tuesday, bad sign. Meaning I'm probably not going to able to get on Clomid this Friday without him getting tested first. Greattt. So if I'm lucky I'll shove in one round of Clomid before he deploys. I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this trying and at the end of the month I turn up with no results.

7-8 more hellacious days to go!

So no signs of my period yet, none of my usual bloating a week in advance, but I am having new breakouts and am starting to get bitchy..Which means I'll probably get my period. Possible preggo signs include, heavy boobs, my appetite is in overdrive, last night my whole back ached for a while, a couple of times I felt like I was going to puke, consistently high body temp, my husband's shrimp soup smelled like hot urine to me, increased urination, and that's about it. Some decent signs, but obviously the only way to know for sure is when my I miss a period and get that positive pee stick.

I am very edgy if that means anything. Probably just means being on edge and anxious for my period to either get here or not. Sometimes, it's like I'm way too aware of my body and I'm just imagining these apparent signs.

Definitely going to treat myself to a nice diaper bag when I do get pregnant..I'm talking Kate Spade, maybe even Burberry.

Bad news, my husband's fertility appointment got canceled due to the weather. I'm hoping that they'll see him tomorrow and that they'll obtain the sample on the same day. Now, I've got the worry if the gyno will write me a prescription for Clomid this Friday or not, because my husband hasn't gotten his sperm tested.

And the another countdown begins. 8-9 days

8-9 days till I get my period. Or least hoping I'm not going to get it this time. It's scheduled to come the 18th or the 19th. Please period, don't come.

This feeling is so ridiculous..I'm even getting annoyed that celebrities are getting knocked up. Like Victoria Beckham needs another kid, seriously. I know it's sad, then some of the pregnant girls I know have had their child just recently. So I'm tortured with those professional shots of baby toes, family portraits, and a teddy bear cuddling the baby..it just makes me nauseated and jealous. I can't even stand watching a movie or a show where someone is knocked up. Even though I love 16 and pregnant, it's just too painful for me to watch.

I hate this time of the month. I get so emotional and upset when it nears period time..I just want this to be it,  I want a life growing inside of me. Sometimes, I feel like I've failed as a woman. I mean that's what my body is designed for? Maybe it's too much emotional stress that's inhibiting me from getting pregnant. But it's soooo hard not to think about it.

My husband gets his fertility tested tomorrow, praying that there's nothing wrong with him.

So pathetic

I believe that I have either A. missed my ovulation time, B. got it on that one day, C. didn't ovulate at all this month, or D. the unthinkable has happened and I'm pregnant. You see I use this site fertilityfriend.com to track my ovulation through my body temp and it says that I ovulated on the first. We did have sex the first, and we hadn't had sex in a while. So hopefully there was more than enough swimmers to get the job done. Then on those pee sticks, I couldn't get a positive thereafter..it went from a dark line but still a little lighter compared to the other line, to faint line on yesterday's test. Suppose it's safe to say I'm counting down until my period which is supposed to start the 20th or the 21st.

Good news, I go to the gyno on the 14th to get Clomid. Although, I'm worried my new gyno won't go by what my old one said (since he up and left the clinic) and he'll make me wait till the end of March to obtain Clomid. In which I don't have that much time. You see I'm aiming to have at least 2 rounds of Clomid in before he leaves. Now, he says he won't leave in Feb because there's only 2 spots open and he's still not certified yet. He said if anything he will most likely go next month. It's all still pending, that's the military for you. But I've got another month, and an appointment with a new top rated gyno, I'm really hoping these are signs a pregnancy is about to come my way!

I was browsing around on the internet at stuff I want for when I become pregnant, like what I want in a nursery, baby stuff and what not. Pathetic, I know. My husband is like, "I'm surprised you haven't bought anything yet." Wouldn't that be bad luck? Like how a girl would buy a wedding dress before she  even got engaged? (My cousin is guilty of that, talk about bad luck) Honestly, I've thought about it..getting little things here and there. But then again, what if people asked me, "Oh how old?" and I would tell them what? "Oh I don't have a baby yet, it's wishful thinking."? So I wouldn't want to jinx it, I'm having enough trouble as it is.

Ultrasound pics are stalking me!

Seriously Facebook is the devil, damn Mark Zuckerburg. Everyday that I log on there is a new ultrasound pic that a friend of mine has put up or a friend has commented on someone else's pic. I've hid the feeds of my pregnant FB friends, but that doesn't seem to do any difference. There's a new pregnant girl everyday! When am I'm going to have those bragging rights? The only positive that some of them are fat cows now and they're going to look like whales. Ha! It's starting to look like the impossible. I try to stay positive and have faith, but I don't want to disappoint myself.

I'm getting annoyed with my ovulation tests, I can't seem to get a positive. Which makes me think I've missed my ovulation and that this time it came pretty early. I don't know, today is the 16/17th day. The gyno also said that it fluctuates and it come two days later. I'm going to call him today and see if I can come in at the end of the month and start Clomid for next month. Otherwise I would have to wait till the end of Feb to start it in March. My husband may be deployed in Feb.

Gonna cross my fingers and hope the doctor lets me start it in Feb instead of waiting.

It's a new month, and another shot at trying to achieve my goal.

So it's January, a new year hopefully new things to come. However, if my husband deploys in Feb then I won't get my pregnancy this year. I'm really hoping that it gets pushed off a little further, that way I can buy more time. He could very well get certified in Feb and be on a plane to Afghanistan all in the same month. The likeliness of that happening isn't very high, but there's still a slight one. Then the next slot after Feb is March to deploy, but I'm uncertain about the certification times. They don't seem to come all that often.
Even if he did deploy and I wasn't pregnant then I keep telling myself I can just channel all my energy and mindset into school rather wallowing in despair. I'm actually afraid of how I will act when it comes down to the deployment and I have yet to get pregnant. Not going to be a pretty sight.

Other than that worry, I've been keeping pretty positive and trying to be stress free. It's working so far, until my husband pisses me off. It's day 13 of my cycle, and I'm going to buy more ovulation tests today. Still charting my temp, although the last few weeks my chart is all jacked up with being home and waking up at different times. But today, I'm back on schedule. Sometimes this whole schedule is exhausting, but at least no one can tell me I didn't try hard enough.

More girls I know have become pregnant, then they're finding out the sex of their baby. It's nauseating, and annoying to be off of Facebook then come back to that. Don't people have anything better to do? Another thing that irks me is that I know other girls that are trying for their second child and bitching about how long it's taking them. Seriously? Shut the fuck up, I'm struggling to get my first..maybe my last. I hate this feeling of wanting to be a mother, I wish I didn't have this feeling. But it won't go away until it happens. For now I've got to play the waiting game.