Dec 12 eviction date

Yeah, I'm getting induced. Not entirely thrilled about it, but it is necessary and I don't wish to risk him any longer in there. He wiggles about and stretches out my tum like he's restless, yet he won't come out on his own. Stubborn baby.

I'll be honest, I'm scared shitless for tomorrow. I spent the last 3 years yearning for our baby, the pregnancy, and all the joys that come with it. Now that the final result is literally around the corner, I can't help but be ridden with anxiety.

-Holy shit, I'm going to be a mother!
-What if I cannot get my baby to stop crying? Does that make me a crap mother?
-I can burp him by supporting his head and doing it over the shoulder? Why in the world would you want to do it over your lap?
-My husband is on board to be hands on, I hope he doesn't bail to his parent's home when it starts to get rough.

I've read those baby books, but my head is still spinning with information. Everyone has a different opinion or way of going about raising their child. I know how to be infertile and am quite educated on the matter, I just don't know how to be a mother. Frankly, I can read every piece of literature on the subject and still feel ignorant!

Alright, I need to stop psyching myself out. I'll be fine. Hopefully.

No baby, just yet.

The wee one wants to stay in there and keep eating such good food. Lol. I'm going to discuss an eviction date Monday with the OB, as they won't let me go past the 14th.

Nursery is completely finished. I'm just waiting on some storage bins to arrive and we need to take a second look at a rocking recliner. My father's house renovations are coming along nicely. I don't mind painting as it is water based, but hopefully he hires someone to do the carpet. I can't be bothered, as I know squat about carpentry. Our room is still under construction, so we're shacking up with his parents for a little while.

I've been getting on with MIL just fine.....until..........she told me one night the reason I was pregnant was because of God. Also, her and her church group had been praying for the pregnancy. Now because of dealing with IF for so long, my faith has been flushed down the loo. I felt that was such a patronizing thing to say! That's fine, if she wants to believe that. Just don't force your comments onto me, when I say it was sheer dumb luck. Anatomically, a sufficient amount of sperm (when my husband's count is low) aided one sperm penetrating the ova. Timing was finally accurate. How that happened after 3 years, I don't know. But I wouldn't solely say it was all God. I asked God everyday for 2 years. Infertility was breaking me and my marriage down. He never answered. Thus I figured he had more important requests or was just outright ignoring me. That's when my faith went down the shitter.

Anyways, I've been very lucky to have a good pregnancy with no issues. It's comical, as everyday I wake up and still check under the duvet to make sure I have a bump. As if I'm going to wake up from this dream. Even though I'm excited and nervous for his arrival, I'll certainly miss the pregnant part.

Erm, shouldn't we have dinner before you put your hand up my vagina?

I can't resist this. A bit of shocking TMI warning.

As we've moved and in the third trimester, I'm at a new OB clinic. They want me to meet all of them, as they aren't sure which one will be delivering my son. I feel like a flag being passed around! The first one was fantastic and the second one gave me a check but was gentle. However, this third female OB jabbed her whole hand up there what felt like 10 minutes! Christ, woman!! I wanted to scream at her to get her arm out of my twat!

I left walking like a penguin, afraid my baby is going to fall out. Poor thing, just got jabbed and prodded. Few more weeks and the wee one can come out.

Last post for a little while

I've got a long list of things to accomplish before my wee one gets here. If he does happen to arrive earlier than expected, then I'm royally screwed. *face palm*

I know it is all I ever wanted and wished for, however I'm incredibly nervous to become a mother. Childcare courses in school, babysitting, nothing prepares you for what is to come. Infertility only prepared me to expect the unfavorable outcome. Hopefully, I will be a good mother. Although my husband seems to believe our son will end up living in a bubble, I will be so overprotective. Can you blame me? It took quite a while and a lot of tears shed to achieve him, excuse me for being a little overbearing!

Also, today my husband will be moving me up to my father's house while he finishes the discharge. He will be moved up North with me, before Thanksgiving. I feel rather guilty of leaving him to deal with the move, then again he should be fine. The military has movers that pack up your items and move them to your next destination. Note, I've already taken the liberty of packing my clothing and undergarments. I cannot stand the thought of strangers packing my knicker drawer. The catch is we will be without our bed for a week, and have to stay at his parents on an uncomfortable mattress in the guest room. I guess we all have to make sacrifices.

That is all for now. Time to end this chapter in the South and as an Army wife.

Time to face reality

I move in the next 2 days and my husband will be following later this month. I am very excited, but overwhelmed at the same time. There's setting up the nursery, finishing up other tasks, our big move, flu season, my son's birth, plus holidays on top of that. Oh and my father is starting mini home renovations, as in painting and carpet installation. He has such great timing, when he has lived in his home for over 2 years now!

I don't want anything for Christmas this year other than to keep my sanity!

Maybe I'm just too sensitive?

Before SIL (I like) left for overseas, she put together a bag of secondhand clothing from her son. Which was very kind of her, as they are going to be about the same size being both born in December. I certainly don't expect anything from SIL, I hate...or would I take anything she is offering.

However, a good half of the baby clothing had obvious food and formula stains. It took a little work and soaking with potent baby stain remover, but I got the stains out. Now I may be wrong, but I would think if you're going to pass on clothing at least make sure it is in presentable condition. I don't even donate any items to local charity shops, unless they're in good used condition (no stains, rips, etc).

Now I'm not snooty in receiving secondhand clothing, as majority of his clothing I bought at a consignment shop. While I believe the gesture was nice, she should've taken the time to get the stains out or leave them out of the pile. When she was expecting my niece, I attended her baby shower and bought over $100 worth of clothing and baby items. I certainly don't expect the same in return; I am fully capable of providing for my son. It's just that I wish she would have gave the clothes a second look.

Pointless rant, that I had to get off my chest.

Bitchy cow once again

I'm guessing it's a mixture of hormones and being anxious, is what is causing the snappy cow in me to come out. That and my husband has been snappy lately due to his lack of sleep. If only he would cut out the caffeine before bed and playing of his stupid computer games, he'd probably get a better nights sleep. He also has the option of taking sleeping pills, which do tend to work. Not my problem.

Although I will miss him dearly, perhaps this 25ish days apart will really help our marriage. I've got enough stress in dealing with final preparations for our son, and he has enough on his plate in finalizing his medical discharge, also our move. If I were to deal with both stresses, I would either go mad or in early labour. I certainly cannot allow that to happen. DH better put his big boy trousers on!

My husband got his ratings for his discharge!

Yayyyyyyyyy, and he will be done before our son is here! Thank god, we don't have to raise him in this horrible flat.

He got his paperwork to review and sign today. Then he waits for an appointment with Veterans Affairs. Another appointment to turn in his gear, and then waiting on his release papers.

Although, crazy pregnant woman panic mode has set in....I've got now until next Wednesday to pack up what I can, that will not be used by my husband for the next month. In which if I left it up to DH, stuff would get broken. Men!

Once again, rhetorical questions of which no one has the answer!

Why is it that when you're struggling with IF time just drags (and seemingly stands still)? And if you do achieve a pregnancy, it's over before you know it?

Can't an infertile woman just hit pause on those 9 months and savor the bliss?!

Snappy cow alert!

I do not know what my problem is, but I am just so irritated lately. This morning I was on the phone with my mother for her to look for an item she may still have (the woman has hoarding tendencies) that I would like to use as a prop for newborn pictures. She got snappy with me saying I needed to be more concerned about stocking on sanitary napkins and newborn pictures can be worried about later. WTF?

Sanitary napkins I can get on my next shopping trip. I got to find a reasonably priced photographer, book them in advance, and that has time slots open after my son is born. Which will probably be the week before Christmas if he comes on time! If not, then I will wait till after. I'm fairly certain finding a photographer will be more challenging than throwing a damn pack of pads in a shopping trolley.

Then there's that site that shall remain nameless, that has been annoying me. I am by no means back on that site, but like to stalk third tri for some helpful information. Let me tell you, it's not the least bit informative. They're nothing but a bunch of whiny cows who moan about being overly emotional to being sick of being pregnant at 30 weeks, and that their pregnancy is so torturous. Get a grip!!! Please note, that these women who whine have no serious risks or complications with their pregnancy. Ironically those who do, you barely see any posts from them.

Which takes me back to when a fertile cow once told me that pregnancy is a difficult time and women suffer as compared to IF. No bitch, you're just weak. Suffering from IF for years still cannot be measured to pregnancy for 9 months.

From infertility to pregnancy: what doesn't change!

In no particular order:

1. Chocolate is still your friend. And McDonald's French fries (unless you're first tri, then it's vile). Actually, any drive thru establishment, restaurant, and takeaway still makes you feel better.

2. Stretchy jogging trousers or sweatpants are still a wardrobe staple around this time. 

3. You're still visiting that damn aisle with the pads, tampons, etc. to buy panty liners. Yeah, I leak enough to warrant wearing those. And you're going to have to abundance after labour because the witch is going to came back with a vengeance. 

4. You still check the crumpled toilet paper for blood!!

5. Your sex life is still lacking.

6. You still glare at pregnant women without realizing it. Especially those young mothers who look like they're barely out of secondary school still make you cringe.

7. Even though you're huge, men may hold open doors for you. But women with small, unruly children will still let them run smack dab into you. Don't expect an apologetic look. Not happening.

8. You still receive unsolicited advice from everything about vaginal birthing to BFing, to cloth nappies versus disposables, the list goes on. As usual, you continue to ignore such "helpful" advice.

9. You're still afraid of the future. This time you fear deformities, late term miscarriage, not taking to motherhood, stillbirth, and even SIDs. Your infertile mind still wants you to be prepared for the worst that could happen.

10. I still don't wish to talk about my current health status. With my IF diagnosis, I told some people but after a while stopped talking about it because no one seemed to care. Now with my pregnancy, I just don't feel it is anyone's business. Which still makes me wonder why other pregnant women are willing to give you every detail about their pregnancy. I guess I will never understand! 

Funny analogoy

Waiting nine months to meet your unborn baby, is like waiting for a man to call you back after a date. You try to occupy your time, but fall short with lack of activities.

Note: I sincerely hope no woman waits 9 months for a man to call. 5 days at the maximum.

Don't get me wrong I've been enjoying this pregnancy, as it may be my one and only. It's been truly a blessing I haven't had any complications. Out of all the dark, depressive, shitty days over the infertile years, you cannot wait for the day a long awaited dream comes true.

It's a good day!

Today is my last day of work. Yayyyyyyy! For the first time, I am actually going to work in a good mood. They're having a taco luncheon as my goodbye party. It's nice, as I won't have to pack a lunch. One workmate is bringing in some Jesus brownies. These brownies have a chocolate chip cookie baked in the middle. I see why they're so holy.

Sure, I'll be a little bored for the next month...but I get to be home with my husband and cook him dinners instead of relying on takeaway. I can also get some serious cleaning done, like scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Or some other crazy nesting compulsion.

Am I supposed to go barefoot?

The past couple of days my right foot has been swollen pretty badly. To the point of where none of my shoes fit, except my house slippers. I even had to wear them to work today.

So what in the world do I wear? I don't believe it's practical to buy a size larger shoe, that I will be wearing for all of 2 months. Now I understand the meaning of, "barefoot and pregnant".

Quarreling neighbors

The lovely new neighbors on the second floor, right below our apartment love to argue on the weekend off and on all night. I shouldn't say just argue, he is beating her ass. She will scream for him to get off of her, to leave her alone, and then sob for a half hour. I don't like sticking my nose in people's business, however when your business wakes me up at 12am it becomes mine.

12am this morning, I marched down and rapped on the door to tell them to fuck off. I'm a cranky pregnant woman who is seeing red. I hear her telling him look what he did to hear leg, and him telling her to shut up. They didn't answer of course. I realized that this is a case of domestic abuse and called the authorities on them. Police said they would dispatch an officer as soon as possible.

I stayed awake for a little while to hear their dog barking and figured the police did finally show up. And I noticed they shut their windows too, so I don't have to hear her screams. Fine by me. If she hasn't left her abuser by now, then I don't have any pity for the woman.

Sadly, we're stuck in this shit hole until my husband gets his discharge.

#pregnantwomanproblems

Please note, this is just to poke a little fun at pregnancy and have a chuckle at the experience.

In no particular order....

-Your vagina is too sore to endure any sexual activity or frankly you're too tired. Husband is requesting a blow job. Brushing your teeth makes you gag, and he wants his pecker in your mouth?!

-You refuse to purchase new larger knickers (granny panties), but the ones you have are becoming uncomfortable with your expanding waistline. So you snip the stretchy waistband, essentially ruining your knickers. However, you feel better!

-There's a line at the loo in the rest stops along the interstate. You're half-tempted to use the men's, as there is no line.

-Your hand is a little too puffy to wear your wedding band set. Now you have to go the rest of the day looking like a unwed pregnant woman, receiving disapproving looks.

-The antibiotics you took to get rid of your UTI gave you a yeast infection and your anus itches from hemorrhoids. You've got 6 days until your next OB appointment and your old school doctor doesn't phone in prescriptions.

Just a mere common cold. No big deal, right?

Wow, they weren't joking when they said a pregnant woman's immune system is complete crap. My WBCs just laid down and let the virus take over! I can't even take any Sudafed, or the lesser phenylephrine. Normally I'd be able to function properly but I've barely moved from my sofa all day. Except to pee incessantly, of course.

I was supposed to work today, but I had to call in. There was no way I could make it through a whole shift without sneezing my head off or build a mountain of used tissues.

I knew my head supervisor would be pissy, as he texted me to pick up this empty box I asked them to save me by Thursday. In which I do not work again until Friday, so why would I drag my poorly arse in there just to pick up a box? It can sit there one more day; it isn't in the way! Petty arse wanker. I didn't even bother texting back, as it would be a quite bitchy response. Don't tell me what I'm going to do on my days off.

Bye, bye part time job!

I handed in my notice, as my last day of work will be October 3rd. They weren't too pleased that I told them kindly to shove the job up their arses. Here lately, a lot of other coworkers are jumping ship and handing in their notices as well. There's a couple of new girls to be trained, and even they look less than pleased to be there. It's only a matter of time before they quit too.

There's also some sneaky, behind the scenes drama about one supervisor ratting out another. I won't be there to watch the fireworks, when that drama is shared with the rest of the workers. Darn.

I'm excited as it is almost my favorite month, and I get to spend it with my husband before I leave to sort out the nursery. This mama needs some down time.

Impromptu baby shower and I wish to choke my husband

Last year, my husband had to make a trip to Missouri to renew our tags on our license plates. Since the bank lost our title and claimed to have sent it to an old address, we could not get Kentucky plates. Apparently, you have to go thru this paperwork process to get a replacement. I told my husband he needed to get it done. A year later, what do we have to do again? Yes, that's right. I get to make another trip and waste petrol to repeat the same mistake from last year. Ughhhhh. I bitched him out and told while we were there, he's to get this paperwork done. Hopefully this time he has learned hits lesson!

We were supposed to have a work party for all of us that are quitting the print shop, but it turned into a secret baby shower for me. They really shouldn't have, as I already have a lot of stuff. It was nice with some traditional baby shower decor, games that actually were thought provoking word games rather than sniff this "shit" and identify the chocolates, food, and gifts. I started to tear up as I walked in, since it was really very nice of them to go through all this trouble.

It also made me realize that this is reality and not the dream I think I've been living for the past 7 months.

The 30th it is!!

I just got bitched by a patron because, she failed to read and understand our policy. She went off on this tangent on how rude I was and kept cutting her off. I explained policy to her 3 times and she just wasn't willing to listen. Then I got smug and told her she got rude first. Finally she stopped arguing with me and left. Fuck off already!

What really makes me angry is that my 2 spineless wanker supervisors sat in the office chatting all while I'm arguing with this rude cow. Enjoy the show?!! I called them out for their lack of action. They just simply pretended they had no idea what was going on. In which that was a lie, because their office is all of 8 feet away from the commotion.

Needless to say, I'm giving my notice at the end of the month. It will certainly be a short one, as they do not deserve a 2 week notice. I don't need to be surrounded by toxic people. I roughed it for money towards baby items, but since I've nearly got everything there's no sense in staying.

When to tell my job to f*** off?

I had in mind telling them this week, my last day would be the 30th...as I don't want to be working up until I give birth. I'm not bothering with maternity leave, as this job pays peanuts and would not cover the expenses of child care.

That also gives me 6-10 weeks to switch my insurance location to near my parents, set up the nursery, and wrap up the last little bits. Realistically, I haven't a clue as to how much time you should allow yourself to get ready. My biggest worry is going into labour and not having the nursery finished!

I've got it worked out that it would be best to give birth near my parents. That way if my husband is still in the military, he will get 10 days maternity leave then his Christmas block leave in December. After that we go back to KY and wait some more. If he happens to get out, then I will already have the baby settled and can just worry about hauling the rest of our belongings.

So either I tell them to stuff the position out their arse the end of the month, or mid October? I can only take so much of lazy, tyrant supervisors and rude patrons. What to do, what to do...

Can you be bad at being pregnant?

The popular question lately, is everyone asking me about the nursery. What is the theme? Huh, I have to have a theme? Since I never thought this was possible, there is no dream nursery I had in mind. I suppose other women would have their husbands painting the room half way through.

Breast feeding. Enough said. Apparently, women who have suffered from IF will endure I higher chance of unsuccessful breast feeding. I can kiss my Mother of the Year 2014 award goodbye.

Fertiles talking to you about their obvious pregnancies, Braxton Hicks etc...and I find myself not listening. I should probably be paying attention and taking mental notes, however I still don't take kindly to fertile's "helpful" advice.

Sometimes I'm afraid of being a crap mother, because all I know is IF and the reproductive systems. All I know about infants, is how to give CPR, change a nappy, how they should sleep, and feed one. There's a long list of things I don't know when it comes to caring for an infant. I know I'm going to act like he's a porcelain doll! Or am I supposed to have motherly instinct kick in? Hopefully I have that because, I've been conditioned to be in the IF mindset for all this time.

Mixed Infertile and Non-infertile Thoughts

Recent Thoughts

1. When I was at the going away party, there was a baby overload. There were 2 sets of twins, and a handful of 5-6 month olds. Infertile Ingrid was surrounded and literally backed up against a wall. She still felt overwhelmed and anxious as she had before.

2. Sometimes when I'm out in public, I wonder if I make another infertiles upset by the presence of my bump.

3. I hate the way the OB's office is set up like the entrance door is a stage. I feel all the other women in the waiting room sizing me up, as I walk towards the receptionist window.

4. I'm a worrywart. I get nervous every time I get in a car or truck as a passenger...I'm afraid I'll get in an accident killing me and my unborn baby (people in the South are horrid drivers). I'm even afraid when I descend the 3 flights of stairs at my flats, that I will take a tumble.

5. I've learned that infertility is a disease like cancer, for which there is no cure. Both have treatments, for which there is unpredictable results. I wonder when there will be a cure for both, or at least a concrete answer as to why both happen. Environmental factors/lifestyle choices is just a popular answer given, because scientists and doctors really have no clue.

6. While I sat here yesterday getting frustrated at Disney for not injecting at least some reality in there movies....life certainly isn't a fairy tale...I realize that they have done so. For example in the movie UP, the main character and his wife experience a miscarriage. In Dumbo, Dumbo's mother waited quite a while for the stork to bring her a bundle of joy. She experienced sadness and disappointment every time she saw it was not her turn. And there's been some Disney movies that show death. I could never finish finish Bambi due to her mother being shot. My six year old self was distraught that Bambi was now by herself, and I couldn't understand why such an awful event occurred in a Disney movie. Later in primary school, I learned about the food chain. Well done, Disney for the hidden messages. Although they're brief and during some distracting melody, it's still shown.

Why are people already asking me if I'm going to have another?!

His aunt asked me this.
His cousins did as well.
Family friends asked.
And MIL asked. In which that one irks me, as she knows we've faced IF. Seriously woman, must you ask me that?

I just replied to all of them, if we're able to, we will try to have another. Right now, I'd like to concentrate on the one, I thought I would never have.

Infertile Ingrid tells me not to push my luck, take what I can and never go back to that dark place again. Pregnant Penelope says I should not compromise my initial dream of having 2 children due to IF. She points out that I am strong enough to push it further and achieve the second child. I'm conflicted over it.

If people hadn't asked me this weekend, it wouldn't even be a pondering thought in my head right now! It really shouldn't be. I need to focus on my son, and people need to keep their inquiries to themselves. This is why I don't like speaking about my pregnancy to others. I cannot understand for the life of me, why pregnant women share every little detail. Bragging rights? They like to dominate the conversation? They're smug, showy cows? Who knows.

I somehow survived!

The party was bigger than expected and outside in humid 90 (F) weather. Every time, I turned around someone was inquiring about how I was feeling or my due date. I had never received such attention from the in-law's extended family. The only positive about the heat was I was able to excuse myself inside to cool off, and mainly escape more questions about my pregnancy. Festivities lasted until 7pm  when everyone was pissed, because they've been drinking since 1pm.

MIL has been acting interested about the pregnancy. She's glad she is gaining another grandchild since the 3 from SIL (I hate) barely speak to them and live on the other side of the country, and the other 2 are leaving the States. She went to ask questions about everything including if I was having a baby shower. I told her I am not....no one has said anything about throwing one, and neither side of my family has had one. They're all old school Scottish, English, Russian, Polish, and Italian. However I would not turn down gifts, even used baby items. She didn't seem satisfied with that answer.

I feel slightly disappointed I'm not having one, then again I do not. There are kind friends of the family that are making me blankets, people have passed on baby clothes, and working my peon job has afforded me the baby items I want. I don't have to sit there and be fussed over, smelling "poo" in the nappies trying to guess which chocolates it is, or do I have to deal with the hassle of returning thousands of bibs when you only need so many. I wouldn't dare throw one for myself, that just seems tacky. Sorry MIL, you will live without a baby shower.

A pregnant woman walks into a bar

As it is my SIL and her husband's going away party today, they are requesting my husband and I join them out tonight. In which, I'm sure it will be at the local pub/bar.

I'm at a loss here, as it is dreadfully tacky and bad form for a pregnant woman to go to a bar. I have however had lunch in a pub while pregnant, but that's only for the food of course and at lunch time. Let me tell you, I still got disapproving looks from the bar hags erm, maids.

Not sure what to do, here. Do I uphold the proper etiquette and form, or let it fall by the wayside for this one night?

It's an in-law kind of weekend

SIL (I like) is having their going away party this weekend, before her and the children (2) fly to Italy to reside for the next 2 years. It won't be some showy party, but just a mild amount of people. Mainly in-laws family, friends, and her husband's family.

I'm not really looking forward to it, because I will have to mingle with people asking me questions about my pregnancy. Although I'm used to the pregnancy, I still don't feel comfortable talking to others about it. I feel it's none of their business. There's just no need to go on and on about OB's, doctor appointments, discharge, or even listen to their exaggerated C-section story. I'd like to privately enjoy this moment, since I'm very lucky to be experiencing it, with my husband and family.

Hopefully, I survive the weekend with 2 families....that aren't particularly fond of one another. Hehe

Etsy Rant 2

This time I ordered a cute Dr. Suess blanket, with adorable patchwork print and backed with that minky fabric. It was a custom order, so it was made clear on the page 3-4 week production time. No problem, as I'm in no hurry. Note, that this is a notorious shop on Etsy that even celebrities have ordered from. Tori Spelling, if you consider her reputable. I do not.

The shop owner PMs me to let me know she is putting my blanket in the post today. I was pleased, even though I was expecting to wait 3-4 weeks. Thursday, I stalked our rude postman to see if my parcel had arrived. If you've ever ordered anything off of Folksy or Etsy, you're anticipating seeing the quality custom work. Then spend the next 30 minutes in awe, that people have that sort of talent. That moment when you pull it out of the package, is everything. I pull it out of the package and frown. 

The blanket was covered in these dark brown hairs. It's as if they let their animal wallow all over my son's blanket, that I paid good money for. Sorely disappointed, I march back up to my flat and leave crap feedback for the owner. If there was only a small patch, I wouldn't be fussed....the amount of hair and crap presentation from a notorious shop is unacceptable. 

I'm guessing the owner gets a PM alert of she gets crap feedback, as she PMed me back. A rather I unapologetic PM, and saying I'm trying to defame her shop as she doesn't own any pets. Instead, the fibers were minky. I understand that minky sheds when cut, but that is a lot of brown minky fibers. I also pointed out that no where on her shop site or page listings does she state she is pet free. She kept relentlessly PMing me to change my crap review. Just take it as constructive criticism and stfu! 

After the second day of this, I ignore her PMs and she sends me a email showing thru PayPal she refunded my shipping price. At this point, the woman is begging me to edit my review about the hairs. Thing is I can only edit it to positive, which of course she did not deserve. Especially since she is acting like a pest! I edited the review, but still threw in my disappointment about unidentified hairs.  

Never will I do business with her again! Sheesh.

Organic people, hippies.

Now, I do love some organic foods and products. I like Aveda Natural Alternatives, Burt's Bees, Jason, Seventh Generation to name a few. But I don't fully invest myself in that organic lifestyle. Number one it's too expensive, and two I cannot pull off the Boho chic look.

With that being said, I don't know what on earth is the organic mother's problem. I always thought they were friendly, literally down to earth people. Wrong!

You know the women who frown at strollers because they like to carry their babies like they're Native Americans, cloth diaper, and strictly breast feed till their children are in secondary school. They also don't believe in waxing services. I suppose their husbands get off on their bushy eyebrows and hairy upper lip. Yes, Tarquin's mother. But yet they still maintain a snooty, "I am better than you because, I am green" attitude. Yeah well I like the convenience of throw away tampons, toilet roll, I don't have to do laundry daily...and my washer doesn't smell like poo! Put that in your hash pipe and choke on it!

Note: I came across some reuseable, cloth menstrual pads the other day in one of those crazy organic shops. They hardly looked absorbent and would maybe suffice at the end of the cycle. Certainly not for those with a heavy flow! Who the hell wants to do more laundry anyways? Now running up the water and electric bill, is hardly eco-friendly.

I should've stayed in bed today

It started off as one of those days...

I got my lazy bum up around 10am, as I needed to go to the post office before it closed at 12. This trip I was dreading, as the post office brings out some colorful people. The last time I was standing in line waiting to send a parcel, the man behind me was still in his pajamas and reeked of used kitty litter!!!!!! It was foul. I'm not sure of whether he accidentally fell on the box while trying to clean it and couldn't be bothered to change....or he had woke up in one. Vile.

On my way to mail my parcel, I nearly rear ended someone who couldn't drive. I also questioned their legality of a citizenship in the US. All flustered and upset for almost having an accident, I arrive to a nearly empty post office. Thank you, God.

There's this little counter that is in front of the postal counter of where you line up around. However, at this little counter was a woman standing there filling out info on her parcel and deciding if she needed any extra bits. Everyone knows if you are at this counter prepping your parcel, you are not in line. I went past her and stood first in line. There was no visible post clerk at the counter, so I waited for one to show. The woman gets done filling her info and stands close to me. Then, the clerk shows asking for the next in line. This rude ass woman wearing an. "I love Jesus" cap nearly knocks me over pushing past me looking at me and saying excuse me. I look at her with disgust as she pushes past. Bitch, you were not in line when I walked in! I was next! That wasn't very Christian of her!!!

Normally I would've corrected a rude person like that, but I didn't have the energy to argue and I was already having a crap day. Why make it worse by getting into an argument with this rude, hardly Christian cow?

All I know is she better ask for forgiveness tomorrow in Sunday's service.

Ingrid, the infertile side of me

I've decided to name the infertile side of me, that isn't going to ever go away. She's here to say and has already made herself at home. Since I'm feeling schizo trying to balance pregnancy and the infertile mind, I've decided she should have a name (and one I'm not fond of). Wow, I really sound off my rocker. I promise, I'm not!

Ingrid has been acting out lately. As stupid as this sounds, I still get a twinge of jealousy over baby announcements. Ridiculous, isn't it? Ingrid overcomes me when I first walk into baby shops (I get fear and anxiety) and in the doctor's office. All the newborns, children, and bumps still give me anxiety. I'm not understanding why either. Perhaps, I should've paid closer attention in Psych classes.

Then Ingrid gets to thinking, will I ever have a second child? Should I just be happy with what I have and call it day? I'm afraid to go back to the beginning of the line, to that dark place. DH wants another and so do I, to an extent. I suppose we'll see, when that time comes.

Is it almost time?

I'm nervous. Besides my husband (he's the last one), another soldier just got processed medically out of the Army. I have a feeling he is next.

I'm losing my marbles, because I have not finished buying everything for our new addition. We still have the pram-pushchair and some little items. The little items aren't a big deal, but I at least want the pram-pushchair bought before he gets released and while I am still working. If the truck wouldn't have broke down and we didn't shell out body parts to pay for it, I'd already have my pram! It also doesn't help they've chopped my hours, and that we're having to spend extra money in petrol to see SIL and kids before they move to Italy.

Hopefully I can buy another month....and really pinch my earnings.

Note: I'm really not trying to have a woah as me moment here. I know people have it much worse than I do. We'll manage to get everything in order ahead of time. I'm that type of person who becomes unhinged if I'm not prepared. More or less just airing my thoughts, as I have no one to talk to about this.

Judgement

I've faced this and so have many others, during infertility. We are judged on our feelings and choosing to protect them, rather than pleasing everyone else. You get judged if you're even considering modern medical treatments. Let it happen naturally. Yeah, for some it just can't...so mind your fertile business. I've noticed experienced mothers judging me in my choices for using disposable nappies instead of cloth and attempting to BF.

For Example:

I'll walk into a baby shop, just look at the cloth nappies and I'm attacked by some hippie skirt woman with a baby wrapped to her back trying to get me to convert to cloth. Are you trying to get me to convert to Judaism or sell me cloth nappies? They're like some sort of crazy cult. The earthy saleswoman then proceeds to, "educate" me with statistics. Which of course I've already done my homework and know what they are, those numbers aren't entirely conclusive because it depends on the cost of living in that area. You also need to factor in the hard water (85% of the US water) and special detergent you will need to buy just to get your nappies clean. In the long run it is cheaper, however you have to build a collection to get you started which can cost at least $500 upfront. Who wants to do that with all the expenses, baby or not, they have now? I'll politely decline, deal with the judgmental look she's giving me, and she'll hand me her business card in hopes I will change my mind. Lather, rinse, repeat. This happens in every baby shop I go into.

Just leave me alone, fertile bitches! I've faced enough judgment with IF, that I couldn't even control! Last time I checked personal choices are neither right, nor wrong.

Etsy Rant!

I'm not a crafty person. I can't sew a basic stitch if my life depended on it! This is why sites like Etsy and Folksy (although I wish more of the sellers would ship to the US) exist.

Since the news, I've been going a little mental on there ordering handcrafted items left and right. Majority of my items except for 2 have come in. The one I know will be shipped this Thursday and the other I have no damn idea!

I ordered these cute, thick little minky washcloths on Friday and I kept waiting for my ship date to be posted. Well, I log in my account to see that the shop owner is on holiday! There was no fair warning of it on her main page, and she didn't even bother with a courtesy email. Thus, I sent her a nasty email asking when the fuck was I going to get my order?!!

Of course I don't need the washcloths now; I wouldn't even be mad if she had sent me an email stating that she was going on holiday and would fill my order when she returned. But to leave my order pending and my payment already submitted? No, bitch. If they weren't so cute and at a good price, I'd cancel my order. I foresee a nasty, negative feedback coming her way.

Mother's intuition my arse

Nothing could stop me from shaking like a leaf this morning at my ultrasound. There was several times I wanted to lock myself in the loo and pee, or go back to the car.

The nice technician fired up sonogram system and squirted me with heated gel. The gel comforted me slightly, as you get a shock when it's cold. She rolled around on my belly and we could see such features as the femur, brain, spine, heart, opening of his mouth, and penis! This whole time the OB had me convinced we were having a girl, it turned out to be a boy. Nonetheless, I was still overjoyed. It didn't matter one way or another as long as he was healthy and every body part was functioning normally. I thought I would burst into tears because I thought this day would never come. Only one tear slid down my cheek as I smiled. He was a little stubborn not wanting to cooperate with the technician. He is his daddy's boy. Lol.

So my mother's intuition is shit. I shouldn't be surprised though, as I still operate like an infertile. Pregnant women still annoy me when they whine and bitch about their "rough" pregnancies. The baby aisle complete with HPTs, OPKs, and tampons still makes me cringe. In fact, I lingered in front of some tampons that were on offer yesterday like I needed them. I don't absentmindedly caress or rub my bump in public. I'm crap at taking my prenatals on time, and my sex life is still in the gutter (where it was during LTTC). Don't get me wrong, I'm overjoyed to be having this baby and certainly have connected with him. I'm just waiting for that infertile mind to shut off and mummy mode to take over. Then again, I suppose I can never escape infertility. No matter what, it's still a part of me.

Infertility still sits on your shoulder like a little devil

Remember how the first trimester is a complete mindfuck and your infertile mind is having difficulty wrapping itself around a pregnancy? It starts to pipe down in the second trimester. However, it is very vocal during the next scan.

I've got a 20 + 1week scan tomorrow. I'm nervous. If I'm honest, I was nervous the past few times when he's pulled out the Doppler.

The infertile side of me is trying to prepare myself for the worst. While I'm begging there is nothing wrong with my baby, I'm scared the technician will point out some deformity on the screen. If I hadn't been on the acne medication for nearly that whole 5 weeks, I wouldn't have a thing to to worry about. I just hope my baby is healthy.

That elusive, snooty Mother's Club

I've only gotten a peek, and it's overwhelming.

Three times now, I've went to look at gently used baby items on Craigslist. Each time the mothers have talked my ear off about baby products. One talked to me about cloth diapering to which brands are the best, to what sprayer I should buy for the loo. Is it for shitty messes? Do I just hold the baby and use the sprayer to hose her/him down? Another was demoing her pram collection (I thought you needed just one?). Hold on ladies, let me get a pen and paper to take notes. While I don't know half of what they're talking about, I make the right noises as I nod my head in agreement. Never have I ever felt so uneducated and ignorant in my life!

Breast feeding has come up a couple of different times. They ask what I'm going to do, as they raise their manicured judgmental eyebrows. On the tit, or at least try to, as women can be unsuccessful for numerous reasons. Ding, ding, right answer. If I would've said formula, they might have tackled me down and stripped me of my temporary Mummy club membership.

Is this what mother's do? Talk incessantly about baby products and attempt to educate other women about their motherhood experiences? Does that make them experts on the subject? The one woman I met that has 6 children and an enviable figure might have been an expert.

I've also noticed, I've been treated better by mothers. No longer am I ran over by prams, they move aside to accommodate me on the walkway. Fathers will wait and hold doors open for me. Mothers profusely apologize to me when their small children run smack dab into me. Before they would scream at their child to get their arse  over here, and not even throw a shrug of the shoulders my way. Not only did I feel like shit during LTTC, I was also treated like it! Bitches.

Beware of the Mother's club.

Let's talk about sex

I'd like to know the names and addresses of these pregnant women having porn star sex. They're full of shit!

My fanny is like the Sahara desert! I swear I washed off a cactus needle from down there. Me and DH attempted to have sex, twice. Fail. We failed both times. *sigh* Then he wanted to use saliva as a lubricant. No, thank you. The human mouth is full of plenty of bacteria. My normal flora failed me once and I got a UTI followed by a YI. I'd rather not go back there again. I'd rather use cooking spray!

Plus, there's only so many positions you can be blended into without it hurting. How do you have intercourse (enjoyable at that) during pregnancy? I feel like I need to repeat Sexual Education.

That dumb "I'm having their baby" television show

*Warning*  There will be some language in this post. But would you expect anything less from this page? It's not for the uber conservative.

I'm unsure if this show airs in the UK or Canada. If it does not, you're not missing out! They have the cream of the crop women, placing their unborn child for adoption. There's the women who already have 3 mouths to feed and can't afford the fourth (much less the other 3), ones who seemingly fail to use birth control when they have sex with their friends with benefits, teenagers, and a few university students who forgot to purchase the morning after pill. They whine and moan trying to figure how they got themselves in this mess. It seems to stem from some sob background story of an absent father figure, or their own mother placed them for adoption. I seem to think it's because they failed to pay attention in Sexual Education.

I find myself shouting at the television the fertile idiots should've used birth control. Even if you're low income, you can get it for free. Also being angry with their ignorance and fertility. Then there's times I find myself crying because they chose a lovely infertile couple to raise their child. But I'm back to rolling my eyes when a naive uni student keeps the baby, because her unemployed ex boyfriend said he would help raise the child. Please.

Rant round 2

Aside from the transition of infertile to pregnant woman, you also have deal with your ignorance on baby products. Especially if this is your first and even if you struggled with secondary infertility. It's a headache trying to figure out what you truly need versus falling into the baby marketing traps. You don't need a wipe or bottle warmer, a changing table, baby bath tub, or even baby washcloths! Before buying a pram, you will need to test drive it. Yes, I just said that. At the baby department store the other day, they literally had a leather clad bench with seat belts so you can "drive" your pram. Which leads me to my rant.....

I've done my homework on prams and narrowed it down to some choices. My SIL even agreed a pram is the most expensive baby item on the list. She had 3 prams she didn't really care for, sold 2 and still has 2 double pushchairs. I've also made a condensed baby items list and cut costs where we could. I've used vouchers, bought items on clearance, scoured Craigslist for deals, you name it. Just so we can have $$$ to invest in a pram.

Here's the problem....

My DH is throwing his toys out of the pram about the prices. The pram/pushchairs I've picked out range from 500USD to 729USD. Mind you these are quality, have large baskets (except for one) and have wheels that provide a smooth ride for baby. I plan on getting some use out of the pram since I'm passing on a baby carrier. I will also need to get my bum out walking to lose the baby weight. DH thinks it's too much money and is pushing me to find cheaper options. I've explained to him all my valid arguing points. It falls on deaf ears. When it comes to prams, you get what you pay for!!! They have prams out on the market for 1200USD! I explained it will be more expensive if we end up having a pram graveyard. Then we'll really have wasted money, because I won't use any of them!

Men, they think they know everything.

A couple of infertile rants

1. The Duchess needs to pop out the royal baby already. I'm tired of hearing about it.  Also, poor Zara. She announces at the peak of the excitement over the royal baby. I dare say no one cares.

2. My mother bought me a couple of pregnancy books. It is a nice gesture since I'm wrapping my brain around the pregnancy. However, one of them is titled, "Pregnancy Sucks". Seriously?! Is that appropriate to give someone who has suffered from infertility? I didn't feel like arguing with her (very worn out from the week) and just stuffed it in my suitcase. Needless to say, it will be making it's way to the resale shop.

This isn't an infertile one...

3. I don't know what gives people the right to touch your pregnant belly? I've had 5 people do it so far, one actually asked...but everyone else rubbed me like I was Buddha! I mean would you approach a portly man and rub his belly? No!

Did I just throw a tantrum in the store?

I can see SIL (the one I like) needed to get out of the house, since her daily routine was becoming rather redundant. So I asked if she wanted to go shopping at this large baby department store in the city. She agreed, as she was needing some baby items. We packed the children and left on our adventure.

We were throwing items in our carts left and right. They had this fantastic offer on these sleep sacks, buy one get one half. I put two gender neutral size M ones in my cart, as they are thin and will be used for warmer months. Though on the rack that had the BOGO sign, there was only one M. I went over to another rack to pull a M off as they were the same sleeping sack and priced the same. We went on about shopping until we got to the checkout.

The cashier starts scanning my items and then comes across the sleep sacks. As it turns out only one of my sleep sacks qualified for the offer, and the other had not. Excuse me? They're the same item, just a different pattern. She explained that the ones on offer were discontinued prints. That's fine, however I want two size M and there is no more on the offer rack. A 1 year old isn't going to want to be in a sleep sack, it would be silly to buy a large! I kindly asked if her manager would honor the one at half off as there are no more Mediums. The manager declined stating what the cashier told me. Then I was annoyed, but understood and decided against the items because I wasn't getting a deal. I was frustrated and walked back to the register leaving the cashier to speak with the manager. The children were getting restless anyways. It was time to leave. Surprisingly the cashier comes back and says they'll give it to me at half off.

I got a little embarrassed and apologized to the cashier telling her I wasn't arguing with them, or throwing my toys out of the pram. I'm sure the frustration showed on my face, but I didn't kick up a stink to get my way. Lol. She told me it was fine and I wasn't being difficult and understood my stance on getting the correct size. Also, she agreed the signing was confusing for customers since the other rack of sleep sacks 3 feet over aren't on offer. Perhaps, they should be more clear on their advertisements.

Maybe I didn't throw a tantrum then? Lol. I blame it on the hormones.

Hemmarhoid talk at the dinner table

It's certainly been entertaining, I will say that. From my 3year old niece weeing in the garden, then throwing a tantrum she wanted to poo out there as well (SIL scolded her and dragged her to the toilet) to MIL bringing up my hemmarhoids at the dinner table. That is not proper dinner time conversation!

I suppose she saw my rhoid wipes in the loo. Then went on about how she had external rhoids with the twins and couldn't walk normal. I got a lovely image in my head, thank you MIL.

Thankfully, they've been nice about my pregnancy. I'm surprised there's been no, "I told you so, it will happen when it happens" comments. Although MIL asked if I was carrying twins. Everyone else told me I'm spot on for 17 weeks. I am not the size of a house just yet!

Not a dull moment with the in-laws.

Someone ban me from Internet shopping!

First things first, the OB gave me a prescription for three little magic pills for my yeast infection. Hallelujah! I only had a minor itch this evening...rather than wanting to take a back scratcher to my vulva.

Few posts ago, I bought some gender specific bibs. No big deal, as I can take them back if the baby is a boy. However, I just feel like I'm having a girl. The OB also thinks it's a girl with the high heart rate. It's been taking at different times and has been over 160. My issue is, I'm really targeting the pink items, when I'm not even 100 percent sure!

I was hovering over the order button today on some sleep sacks that were at a very good deal. Half in my cart were gender neutral and the rest were pink. The only problem is they're non refundable, because they're sold on a discount website. Then I think no big deal, I could always mail them to friends who wind up having a girl. ;) I don't know what to do! Maybe I should just make my best mate take my iPad, Crapberry, and MacBook so I cannot Internet shop. It may be intervention time. Lol.

I want to scratch my vagina with a tree branch!

No, I don't have a STI! I've barely had sex with my husband. Either we've been too tired or I'm always at work.

I believe I have a YI from that damn UTI antibiotic I was taking, or it's BV. Either way both happen to be common in pregnant women. The dirty little secrets of pregnancy. On top of that, I have hemorrhoids! Which is to be expected, as I'm often constipated.

It was rather embarrassing throwing some preparation H in my shopping trolley and checking out with the cashier. Yes people, I have rhoids!! Lol.

There isn't much I can do about the itchy vagina, until I go to the OB Tuesday. I'm going to beg mercessly that he give oral medication, or a prescription strength cream to clear that shit up. I've never had an infection down there, and holy hell does it hurt. Right now, I wish to take a garden rake to scratch my downstairs.

I know I'm whining a bit. I keep telling myself, I'd much rather have an itchy vagina and arsehole than still be struggling with infertility.

Visiting in-laws and my family

It's been quite a while, but we haven't been home to visit the family. Mainly, because his not pregnant anymore, sister was there since Nov. I just couldn't handle it, and of course I received flack for it. Whatever. Even though his sister was disappointed, she still understood to a fertile extent.

The first week of July we're going home for a week to visit family. I'm happy because this is a much needed holiday (although I wouldn't mind heading to the beach and splashing about like a whale). Then again, the infertile part of me comes out and dreads it. They're happy for us about the baby, and even sent me a nice Mother's Day card. But that doesn't make up for the backlash I've received and stupid comments that have come out of their mouth. I should forgive and forget......but I do know some comments referencing IF are coming my way. I can only image, "See, God finally gave you a baby. I bet you stopped trying and it happened." Those just make my blood boil! Ughhhh.

Then there's the stress of being tossed about the whole week. I have to visit my grandmother, share time between my divorced parents, and spend a little time with my aunt who just lost her husband. Plus factoring in what the in laws want to do, and this is the last time we'll see his sister and her 2 kids before they pack it up for Italy. A week doesn't seem like enough time, but that's all we've got at the moment. I just hope I get a little time to relax in and not spread myself so thin.

The beach is still sounding good.

Just another day.

Like me on Mother's Day, my DH just feels like this is another day. I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere for dinner, or want anything in particular. Nope. Works for me. Maybe next year we'll feel how we're supposed to on those days. I'm assuming there is a certain sentimental feeling you have on those days? I don't know.

I've bought a few baby items since the pregnancy, high chair (which I got a fab deal on), carseat, breast feeding pillow, and mother has bought some stuff as well. Mainly stuff that is gender neutral. Well since hearing the heartbeat twice now, and I know that's not a foolproof method to tell, I'm convinced we're having a girl. Other signs point to a girl as well. Gosh I'm still looking into "signs" even during pregnancy!! So I caved and bought some girl bibs for sale at a steal. Silly, I know....but I couldn't pass up the deal (they're the waterproof ones) and there's no time limit on returning them in case I have a boy.

I don't care what I'm having....I just want the baby to be healthy. I'm really nervous about that, because I was using my acne medicine (oral and topical) during the 5 weeks I had no idea I was pregnant. And I had about half a pitcher one weekend of a mixed drink containing Malibu Rum. In which I do feel incredibly guilty for, but I had no clue.

Is this warranted?

I feel like since it took a long time getting pregnant, I deserve to splurge a little on a couple of baby items. We'll save a lot of money on other items. But I suppose there is items parents to be will splurge on. I would like to invest a little more money into a decent stroller and get a really nice diaper bag. The crib will be a steal for the quality, the high chair brand new I got for cheap, and other things have been on sale. Plus, there's the baby shower down the road. And I've tailored my list down to the necessities.

Is it bad that I want to buy a Kate Spade diaper bag and spend close to $500 on a stroller? I'm just so confused at where the money should be invested. I know first hand with handbags, you're going to have to pay a little more for features, and quality. Diaper bags shouldn't be any different. An added bonus I don't have to lug around a diaper bag, handbag and, baby. The diaper bag can also be my handbag. Strollers are another story, I've got a couple picked out. But there's just so much to choose from! Ahhhhh.

HPT advert rant!

Even now, I still mute through those annoying adverts. Have you seem that E.P.T brand one?

It has the test and a woman's voice saying, "Be positive, be positive.", low and behold it's positive. Then below it pops up, "elastic pants time". Oh how clever, haha EPT, elastic pants time. No. Seriously who comes up with this shit?

Then the First Response one. "Your body knows it's pregnant before your first missed period". Well no shit, Sherlock! It's us women who have to piss on a stick just to get answer. If only our body could talk back to us. I know mine often has a mind of its own.

Perplexed by maternity wear

As most of you know, I LOVE fashion. If I could become the next Rachel Zoe (minus the anorexia), I would. But I live in the real world of where my last name isn't Versace and Victoria Beckham wasn't my mother's best friend. *Sigh*

So when I found out I was pregnant, I was interested to see how far maternity, erm fashion, has come.
It looks like it has come along with the ruched side tops built to last thru the whole 9 months, but I'm not getting the purpose of other "pieces" or ensembles.

1. Horizontal Stripes. We all know the fashion rule, but sometimes ignore it. Yes, horizontal stripes make you look wide. Your midsection, arse, D. All of the above. However, wearing thin horizontal striped tops isn't so bad. I steer clear of them all together because I'm short waisted.

So why the hell are 85% of maternity tops horizontal stripes?!! I didn't wear them prior to pregnancy, so why would I wear them now with my widening waistline?! Yeah, go figure that one out Motherhood Maternity.

2. Maternity bathing suits. I just love bikini shopping, about as much as I love bra shopping. Yes please, sign me for shopping for a suit that has even more spandex!

Argh, someone call Sea World, Shamu has escaped!!! Oh wait no, that's a pregnant woman in not so teensy weensy polka dot swimsuit. While every other woman is parading her pert arse in a monokini, or barely there bikini....I'm trying to contain my bump and veiny tits.

3. Bondage boob tops. You know those ones with extra fabric around the tits, making them looking bigger than than already are. Or sometimes you look like you have 1 big whole boob. Lol. Those tops shouldn't be allowed to be manufactured.

I will tell you the best outfit you can wear while pregnant besides a bed sheet or living in your pajamas 24-7, maxi dresses! No binding pants or belly bands to wear...just slip on a cotton, rayon dress that covers everything and go on about your day!

Death in the Family

My uncle has just lost his battle with brain cancer. He wasn't just an uncle either, he was the cool uncle. My aunt Karen would always babysit me if my mother was in school, and of course I'd eagerly await the arrival of my uncle Edward from work. He had cool stories to tell and would always like to get my aunt winded up for the rest of the night. But of course they loved each other dearly, as they've been married when she was 18. The kind of eternal love you only see in movies.

I can't stop being upset. I'd like to go to the funeral but, unfortunately work most likely be as understanding. There's also the fact of last seeing him consumed by the cancer, and not how he usually looks. He was close to 60, but the cancer left him looking like a little old man. In my mind, I have preserved memories of what my uncle Edward looks like and the life he lived.

I know death is a part of life, just wish it allowed more time and maybe a warning when it what was time to say goodbye.

Wardrobe Malfunction

I can honestly say I've never suffered a nip slip, ripping my trousers in public, etc. Although last year when I was at a waterpark my bikini bottoms nearly came off when I went down the slide. Thank goodness that was unsuccessful, I didn't get a Brazilian done!

Until today....

I selected my khaki pants from the closet and slipped them on. When I went to go partially zip them, my hand fumbled at nothing. WTH? While taking a closer look at my trousers I noticed my zipper had split and was on one side of the track. Maybe I could just slip it back in with a little force. Wrong. It wouldn't come back together. On one side of the track, it was coming apart from the seam. Great, I have less than 20 minutes to get my bum to work. I took my other khakis out of the closet, I was lucky enough to get them over my big butt, however the zipper wouldn't even zip an inch. Shit. So I fumble around the flat for a safety pin to pin them at the bottom. Not a damn one! I can't go to work with my fly hanging all the way open! I ended up rolling my belly band far enough to cover the opening so people wouldn't catch a peek at my floral granny panties. Sexy, right?

Then I got to thinking how on earth did these pants bust? My bump is still small! These pants happen to be a size bigger than I normally wear. I've come to the conclusion that the wash machine messed them up. Or at least I'll keep telling myself that. Lol. DH couldn't stop chuckling and said it reminded him of the advert of where several people's trousers burst open and buttons go flying! So sweet.

I wonder if this is a normal part of pregnancy, busting the zipper on your pre pregnant trousers? Lol.

Still seems unreal.

Warning, this may get a little dramatic. However, I feel the need to air this out of my mind.

As I'm entering the second trimester, I still feel like this is all a dream. I've got a small bump and my symptoms are easing as the placenta takes over, but mentally I just don't feel it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling detached from my baby. I love my avocado and hope he/she comes out healthy. It's just that mentally I have a hard time grasping that I'm a pregnant woman.

You see with infertility, I spent the last 2 years telling myself it wasn't going to happen as I watched family members, friends, colleagues join the mommy club (sometimes have a membership!). I couldn't picture myself as a mother, I didn't have any dreams with my future child. Instead, I had a miscarriage nightmare. As I felt more alone infertility, I could see my relationship with in-laws deteriorating. Even with my own mother, as she told me infertility was something I needed to,''get over". I invested time and energy into school to run away from it all.

I guess what I can't really wrap my mind around is who or maybe what, chooses who gets pregnant and who suffers continuously from IF. What sets one woman apart from the other? It's not entirely natural selection. Sure, that plays a role in genes. But what about those infertile, are their traits deemed unfavorable enough to not pass on? I wish someone had the answer to infertility.

Then there's times I feel like I'm less than deserving of this pregnancy because I can't close the door to IF. I feel bad because I:
- didn't suffer a decade from IF
- didn't religiously use OPKs and track my temperature.
- am not older and running out of time
- mentally shoved it to the bottom of my priority list and didn't think about IF as much as I previously did
- didn't cry over IF as much as others
-didn't suffer any loss or failed fertility treatment
- or didn't give it everything I got since the beginning of 2013

Even though I know IF is not a race and everyone's journey is unique, I feel that women who fall in what I've mentioned above deserve a baby just as much, if not more than I do. Infertility really shapes your mind and affects you for the rest of your life, even if you fall pregnant.

Boobs and bras

I remember the first time in primary school my mother dragged me into the bra shop to be fitted. By no means did I have some knockers, it was just time to wear a bra. The saleswoman didn't make it any less awkward measuring my A chest. Just give me this white little number and let's be done with it. Too bad bra shopping doesn't get any easier as you age!

Wednesday my husband took me shopping in Nashville and I had to return to the maternity shop. Yes, the one where I argued with that ignorant twat about stretch mark cream. Lol. I had no choice as my bras were starting to cut into me and needed to purchase some. As I walked in, she gave me a fake salesperson hello. Wonderful. I went up to the maternity bra wall, and started picking out a few wireless numbers to try on. Maybe that will be comfortable? I'm not entirely sure of the difference between regular bras and maternity, they looked the same to me. Snooty saleswoman buzzes over trying to give her input, I tell her I'm just ready for a fitting room.

Bra number 1 slide all over my chest. I suppose if you have zero wires, you're relying on the foam for support. Bra number 2 looked like something my 85yr old grandmother would wear. I felt like I needed gold bangles up my arms, a caftan, and a pack of Virginia Slims to complete the look. I didn't even bother with Bra number 3. Cue annoying saleswoman, who materialized out of thin air. She then takes it upon herself to load me up with 3 wired bras and sends me back in the dressing room. Why do I feel like I'm 12 again?! Lol.

These bras looked like ones I already at home! My 12yr old self flashed before my eyes, remembering how much I hated trying on bras because it takes hours and I can't ever find the right one. Marched out of the fitting room without trying on the bras, I already knew they weren't the right ones. And why the hell did she slip another grandmother bra in there? She must still be bitter about the stretch mark argument. Threw the bras on the counter, told her I wasn't going with any bras today and would rather have that lovely purple maxi featured in the window. Gladly left that place, and hopefully won't have to go back!

Damn it!

I made a post yesterday with some images of sexy men, but they didn't show up! Grrrr. They were there for viewing pleasure when I finished the post! They were by no means in the buff, and very PG-13. Just pisses me off.

Speaking of pissing me off, I had to listen Sunday to former whiny pregnant cow bitch about her previous pregnancy. She said something about how she didn't sit down at work till about the third trimester, which is a bold faced lie because she is one lazy cow. I'm sitting down because I have 8hr work days with a half hour lunch and barely any breaks in between. It's bullshit. I also know that standing on your feet, you will be at risk for blood pooling in your legs leading to a clot, which can possibly result in embolism. I won't risk anything happening to my child. You bet your bottom dollar I will sit on my arse when necessary!

Anyways, she went on and on about how horrible her pregnancy was with the MS, how bad her feet ached, blah, blah. If I wasn't standing several feet away from her and a supervisor was also within earshot, I would've smacked the shit out of her. You were not high-risk and you had 0 complications, twatbag! You're just a whiny cow who loves to complain to anyone who listen. Instead I had to settle with rolling my eyes at her and walking away. Even though I'm expecting, it's still offensive to whine about your pregnancy like that. STFU and be grateful that you get to experience it!

Argument over stretch marks.

I'm not fussed by stretch marks, I've got them from losing gaining weight, and on my boobs (I used to be a very flat A cup). I'm about to be in a D cup very soon. My are faded white, and a few purple ones on my boobs. I also know with pregnancy you're bound to get them, unless you have fantastic genes. Bring on the stripes!

Weeks back, my husband and I were in Nashville doing some shopping. I decided to set foot in one of those maternity shops for some bands to go around my jeans. Brought them to the register and the sales woman was trying to sell more items...being completely ignorant to motherhood, I nearly caved in.

This cow showed me this organic stretch mark serum and cream, that was supposed to some miracle potion in a bottle. I would get no stretch marks if I spent an extra $30 on this. I sniggered and looked at her stating, "Unless you have good genes, you will get stretch marks. They're unavoidable". She starts arguing with me about stretch marks!! Look bitch, your skin is made up of 75% of collagen; collagen is not elastic. Therefore when the skin stretches to it's limits, it tears and new collagen grows in leaving a mark! This is hereditary. Therefore if your mother has stretch marks from previous pregnancies, then you will most likely as well. Ok I didn't call her a bitch, but I explained it physiologically. She still didn't look like she grasped the concept, when I told her I wasn't buying the damn creams.

I may be ignorant when it comes to motherhood, but not when it comes to my body. I actually did buy some cheap over the counter lotion from the drugstore, but only for my itchy skin.

The biggest fear

The only thing that has bothered thus far in first tri, is fear of miscarriage.

Some of the first emotions you face when finding out you're pregnant after struggling with infertility is: shock, disbelief, happiness, excitement, then....fear. My reproductive system has been lagging in proper function for so long, what makes me think this is truly it? How can I trust my body now? What if I lose this baby? It wouldn't be fair, because I've tried longer than average fertile woman. Then again life isn't fair. Infertility is certainly not fair.

I was terrified because of the horrible cramps I was having. I understand the uterus stretching to accommodate the growing embryo, but these were menstrual like. With the endometriosis, I'm at risk for an ectopic pregnancy. I would analyze every piece of toilet paper for any spots of blood. Also, I expressed my concerns to the OB hoping he would scan me early. If an ectopic isn't caught early on, you risk losing a tube. An ectopic would no doubt hurt (emotionally and physically), but I couldn't lose a tube. I didn't want any more strikes against me than I already had. He ushered me home and dismissed my fears. I sat at home stewing in my own fear and anxiety waiting for my first scan. Mentally, preparing myself for a miscarriage, ectopic, even a blighted ovum...I told myself to get ready for the worst news but hope for the best.

Four long weeks later, I arrived at the OB's office a nervous wreck. I only hear bad news at OB's office (minus the news 4 weeks ago). My infertile side glared at the heavily pregnant women waddling past me to check in. Finally we were called back, more waiting for the doctor. He brought out the dildo cam to check where the baby was and if there was a heartbeat. I was so petrified, I couldn't even look at the screen. My husband was silent, maybe it was because he'd never had this experience. The doctor asked me to turn my head and look at the screen. I saw the flickering of the heart and the baby was where it was supposed to be. Thank goodness!! The doctor then told me this was a very good sign and that my chances of miscarrying significantly dropped to 5%. While I'm more relieved, the small statistic is still daunting. Anyone can be that statistic.

I'm actually jealous of how the average infertile woman gets to react to her pregnancy. She's, "over the moon". That saying actually annoys the shit out of me. I'm not saying that fertile woman cannot have the fear of miscarriage, but infertiles are used to preparing for the worst outcome. It's unfortunate that infertility can still hurt you, even when you get to the light at the end of your journey.

Calling out all whiny cows!

As I stated in my last post, some pregnant women just want a pity party. Yeah, vomiting up stomach acid, nausea, getting bigger, cankles (damn, you can't strap on your sexy DVF wedges) isn't fun. BUT, you have a opportunity to carry and grow your child. I know a couple of women who will never be able to do that. Be grateful for that you are experiencing this, the good greatly outweighs the bad.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'd like to point out the "difficult", and bitched about times during pregnancy. Note, this doesn't include women who are having a complicated pregnancy or are high risk.

1. Morning sickness. Boohoo. Puking isnt fun, but it can be part of the baby deal. It's most prominent in the first tri, but is possible to last throughout the pregnancy. Yeah, I've thrown up some, but I ate some salty crackers, ginger ale, and brush my teeth, then go about my day. Also as long as you eat small meals, stay away from junk or greased foods, then you will be fine. True story. For now, suck it up.

2. Weight gain. Seriously?! We can't all be those women who gain just a belly. Your arse is gonna grow, your boobs, and thighs. Your body has to accommodate the life growing inside of you, if you look like a house, keep in mind someone is renting for a short while!! Also don't take that eating for 2 to heart. You're only supposed to consume an extra 300 Kcal a day. Perhaps lay off the Taco Bell and donuts. It's better for baby if you eat fruit.

3. Cankles. Maybe you should take a closer look at your sodium intake. And keep your feet elevated. Or don't step out of your home because you can't be seen with cankles. It's nothing to cry over and comes with the territory.

4. Clothes not fitting or maternity wear is hideous. Duh, you're going to gain weight! Yes, maternity wear is very matronly. But what do you want, you're gonna be a mother? Sorry you can't wear you're boobalicious tops anymore.

5. I'm so tired all the time. Ok, first tri can be tiresome...this is the major part of growth and development of your baby. You don't have energy to even change out of your pjs. The simple and most logic answer is to let the house chores slide, cut down a day at work, and get more rest. You're tired, go to bed!!! I do!

There's probably more but I just highlighted the ones I hear most about. I wouldn't dare say any of these make pregnancy difficult to cope with. Getting pregnant for some is the hardest part!! In my opinion, 9 months of pregnancy is a piece of cake compared to years of infertility. There's no comparison at all.

Have I turned into a schizo?

Okay I know I have not literally turned into a schizophrenic, but it sure feels like I have an alternate personality!

Let me explain, I know we all know women who have went from infertility to pregnancy and miraculously forgot where they came from. All of a sudden they've turned into this pregnant cow moaning about morning sickness, when they were bitching about those ungrateful women to begin with! Honestly, I don't know how those women turn off their infertile mind....it most certainly doesn't shut off like that. You spent so long thinking in terms of infertility, it became part of who you are. It doesn't change that quickly.

Note: Unless those women are having true complications with the pregnancy or high risk due to severe medical reasons, pregnant women who bitch about every little niggling thing about pregnancy (morning sickness, tiredness, swollen feet, etc.) who go on to compare it to the difficulty of infertility, are nothing but whiny ass cows looking for a pity party.

Scenarios that have happened thus far, leading me to believe I have an alternate personality:

1. I went to the department store to look at baby items that were on offer, picked up a item I needed, then aimlessly browsed the rest of the store. When I reached checkout, I had an assortment from different areas of the store. The cashier was ringing my purchase then proceeded to ask me if I needed a gift receipt for the baby item. I stared at her dumbfounded, not being able to answer. Then I found my voice, that said no and told her it was for me. Why did I have to sit there pondering the item?! I nearly forgotten it was for my personal use. I'm thinking that was the infertile side of me, that looked at her like a deer in headlights. Then the pregnant side finally found her voice and answered.

2. I was getting out of the car from being at class in our flat's parking lot. I noticed the young mother from the second level was struggling to put her twins in the car. I've briefly mentioned her and she hasn't exactly been warm to me. Usually I walk past her with my nose turned up at her obvious fertile -ness, but today I took pity upon her and asked if she needed assistance. She politely declined, then then we had a conversation about pregnancy, her giving me clothing the boys outgrew, to me telling her to come knock on my door if she needed help with them! The conversation ended, I walked back up to my flat and sat down on the sofa. The infertile side came right out and asked, "WTH was that?!". I've never spoken to the girl, and now I act like I'm in the Mommy Club! Her and I certainly not the same! While it was kind of me to offer help, as I have experience with twins, what if she starts whinging about being a mother to 2?! The infertile side of me would strangle her!

As you see thus far, it's a strange transition from infertility to pregnancy. You don't feel pregnant, but have seen the physical confirmation. You don't feel like you can identify with other mothers, and especially other pregnant women. In fact, I caught the infertile side of me still giving heavily pregnant women foul looks! Oh and I definitely still analyze every piece of toilet roll after I wiped for any spot of blood. Old habits really do die hard! Lol.

*Warning* of Content

 I'm not sure how I got to this point, because for 3 years sex and trying has got me no results. Since he's not deploying and getting medically discharged eventually, the doors for alternative treatment shut and locked. I didn't do anything special, make a wish on a star,  i definitely didn't stop trying, drink nasty grapefruit juice, take pills, or any of that garb. Also, I thought my chances were slim to none with his slow and low count sperm and my endometriosis. I can't even say it is out of sheer dumb luck, because I happen to be an unlucky person!

But I am eternally grateful that this is happening, I feel very humbled to have this experience. Especially if it is just this one time.

I will be changing the name and a little of the content of this blog. Nothing has changed, except for my health status. The funny thing is my infertile mind hasn't changed either. It doesn't shut off, or switch over to "Mommy mode". The new title will be "An Infertile Mind in A Pregnant Body", about me finding a place when you're in between the infertile world, and the other fertiles. There will be dry humor and me, finding myself feeling fraudulent amongst other pregnant women.

If you choose to unfollow me, I absolutely understand. I hope my content will provide you with some support, when you soon find yourself in my shoes. Xx

Does a drama free work place exist?

Now would've been perfect timing to tell work to fuck off and hand in my notice. They're trying to fire pregnant cow because she's been messing up printing jobs, people have been very displeased with her work, and she's lazy. She'll sit on her arse at the computer and take orders for other people to work on. The rule is whatever jobs you take, they're yours to complete unless you're going to be off for a certain amount of time. She doesn't check her work, and have customers check it over either. There's ridiculous mistakes such as printing upside down, or tons of spelling errors, work not centered, etc. Basically she does need to be canned, but there's an issue because she is pregnant and she fills our diverse quota. She can turn around and take out unemployment, which I'm guessing is her master plan all along. If she goes on maternity leave, she won't receive pay. Which she really can't afford, because she was whining the other day about affording baby stuff and diapers. You're like 7 months pregnant and you're still whining about that?! Perhaps you should've figured something out 4 months ago!

I'm just tired of it, because everyone bitches about her performance, management writes her up (she's had like 5 official write ups) but no one does anything about her! Me and some of the others refuse to pick up her slack. I don't get paid to do double the work. Fuck that. Hopefully she'll be gone before the month is over.

On a more positive note, my final average in Biology was a 99.48%. My professor was very impressed and tried to get me to sign up for his summer classes. Unfortunately, I cannot because of the pending move. My Anatomy final is next Wednesday and it doesn't seem too bad. I know I won't get top spot in that class, but I'll settle for a B since I messed up my cardio exam. It's only fair. All my Labs are done, so now I need to get cracking on my hefty AP book. Ugh.

Come on, Army!

We still have heard nothing back from the medical board about my husband's pending discharge. I've got a week of classes and 1 final exam next week then I'm finished with this semester...then I need to get my transfer in order to the next uni. I mean they could very well drag this out until August and I would be pushing the fall deadline for enrollment. Ugh. Hopefully not. Then again I wouldn't have to be faced with the new nephew because they'll already be on a plane overseas. Hmmmm.

I was really hoping that we would know this month and I could give work the finger. I'd rather not spend all summer as a printing slave. Those people are grinding on my nerves with their juvenile drama. If you're going to speak badly about someone behind their back, then be prepared to face the consequences when they expose you for your fakery! Seriously, I get enough of the fakery from SIL(whom I loathe). Certainly don't need anymore.

There went the neighborhood!

Well I don't exactly have a neighborhood, as I live in flats. I can't even call them apartments because they're not the least bit posh. Neighbors let their mangy mutts take a shit in the stairwells, hardly a lush place. We were sort of stuck living here until our lease is over because we moved from another base and is the only place that had vacancies.

Anyways, a new couple with children moved in down the hall sometime last month. I had maybe saw the husband once, and I saw her in her nursing scrubs once. She smiled at me and seemed polite. Earlier this week I ran into a few police officers knocking on her door. I'm not sure if there was a domestic dispute or whatever. Didn't think anything more of it because it's not my business and I have things to do.

This morning, I wake up to someone banging on their door yet again. Once again, two officers we beating on her door to open up. I heard some more rapping on the door, it stopped. Then I hear this loud boom, boom, boom. They were kicking down her door!!!! Holy shit! We stayed in our apartment a little startled, hoping their children were alright.....and still hoping where we reside is semi safe to live in! I thought I heard an ambulance or police sirens, wasn't too sure. Later, after all the noises stopped, my husband went to get me a smoothie. He had saw the grandmother taking the children. Thank goodness they were safe.

I had to go to work and later my husband texts me filling me in about what really happened from the busybody neighbor that also lives in our floor. Apparently, the husband got arrested the first time the police arrived. The wife or girlfriend, had called her ex boyfriend and threatened to kill herself a bunch of times. He reported it to the police, who busted down her door today and called an ambulance for her because she had taken a bunch of pills. And I thought I had drama.

These people just moved in!! I have a problem with other people's drama when it wakes me up in the morning....granted our walls are very thin (you can hear people getting it on) but still. The whole 3rd floor doesn't need to know your business! I knew we should have rented a small home.

Another foul taste in my mouth.

My cardio, lymphatic, and immune exam went horrible. I answered the essay questions flawlessly, but only because I had to memorize all 3 word for word. When it came to the cardio part of the exam, my mind went blank vaguely remembering what I was taught. I even panicked at some of the immune questions. That exam was awful; I'm sure my grade will be less than favorable. It's not l
Iike I didn't put I'm the time studying, it's just that you really have to understand what you were taught. Whereas, I partway understood it. Some areas I was still a little fuzzy on. Oh well, I tried my best.

Some news that I expected would happen came up yesterday. It's really amusing when a fake, hypocritical, manipulative, not anymore deserving of a pregnancy, ex pal becomes pregnant. Is it because she whined a lot more than the rest of us? That doesn't make her worthy! She probably annoyed the shit out of Karma with her whinging, so she wouldn't come back around for her. Bitch.
It just leaves another nasty taste in my mouth, like the one before her. Maybe they'll both have boys, so society can be spared 2 bitches.

Dreading exams.

Now, I understand why there are specialists for every system in our body. It's just impossible to master them all.

I'm sweating my cardiovascular, lymphatic, and immune system exam Monday. Cardiovascular is complicated of course, and lots of material to know. Lymphatic is easy and immune isn't too bad. My professor is the department head and his exams aren't the easiest. They're a mixture of comprehensive multiple choice, matching terms, and 3 essay questions. No matter how much I studied my notes, had it memorized, I still flub up on the multiple choice questions. Even the reproduction test, I know everything about that system but I didn't make an A on the exam. So I have a strategy worked out that if I know the essay questions perfectly, then that leaves me room to mess up on the rest of the exam.

Thank goodness the semester is nearly over.

Finally!!

Yeah the bloody bitch decided to arrive this weekend, in full blooming force. I'm so annoyed with her, as I've been acting like a raging cunt for the past week. I believe the end of the semester, work, and the absence of AF was just wearing me down.

Oh and the weather has been bipolar lately. One day it's tee weather and possibly shorts, then the next you're bundling up with a sweater and scarf. Make up your damn mind!!

More drama on the forefront as SIL (the one who said shit about me) texted my DH wishing to speak about the issues we're having. Really?! Because if you seriously wish to resolve this, then you need to text or call me with an apology. I have nothing further to say to her. DH got angry with me saying I really need to talk to her and mend things. The thing is, I don't care!! She's trying to seek attention by doing this because she's bored with her life of 3 children. He dropped it when I kept on sniggering about it. I don't need her shit in my life right now, I'm about to move back to an area where I will have to deal with other drama.

Even my Easter dinner was fertile!!

Yeah so fish eggs are a delicacy...but I was utterly disgusted when I cracked open my lobster to see she was pregnant! Oh the mockery. *Face palm*. How she even had room for all those eggs is beyond me. Even my food is fertile! Grr.

My mocking of infertility continued last week with the new pregnant cow (the one that claims she's infertile despite the fact she has 4 other children and did no testing) moaning about how she cannot get comfortable at night. I just rolled my eyes and didn't even respond. Then she keeps on rubbing her barely there 3 month bump every chance she gets. *Rolls eyes some more*. She's already an idiot in the first place, but has "pregnancy brain" which makes it even worse. I may not make it the whole month working at that shithole. At least I'm hoping I won't have to.

And of  course infertility is serving another punch in the face with a late AF. Like clockwork, she was supposed to come Thursday and I bleed for 5 days. Nothing, except for cramps on and off! I never have cramps past day 2, so this is really pissing me off. I know I didn't ovulate late either, and there has been no stresss. I'm not bothering testing because it will be a BFN; I'll just wait until the cunt decides to arrive.

Not much today

These are the only thoughts I've got today:

- I should've made more potato salad.
- We're having seafood for Easter dinner, very nontraditional.
- I hope our new neighbors don't include a pregnant woman or a baby.
- Where are you AF?
- I wish my husband would get his final papers for medical discharge so I can quit and start orchestrating our move.
- Work will be pissed that I'm not giving them a proper 2 weeks notice. It will be like a matter of days. I just don't have much time with the last 6 weeks of school and packing to bother with anything else. Lol, oh well. They can piss off.

That is all.

The world would be a better place if Teen Mom didn't ever air.

MTV's "Teen Mom" glamorizes teenage pregnancy in the sense that they're on air and getting a large amount of money to have their "struggles" documented. These teens with their Mercedes or new Jeeps, manicured hands, arguing with their mothers or baby's deadbeat fathers isn't teaching teenage girls in the real society to use condoms and contraceptives. It says, "I got pregnant and now I have a show on MTV". Essentially, it's the new Real World.

Instead, lets take this trash off the air because these girls go on to pregnant at the age of 20 and 21....insisting that they're grown because they're no longer a teen and have been married to a boy they've known for 5 minutes. Being grown is taking care of the baby, toddler you have now and finishing your education so you can better provide of your child down the road. Then dating a man, who you would deem suitable for marriage within time. Make something of yourself first, then add other people to your life.

They need more infertile shows on television, really. Any at all would be nice.

Sayings and comments that have been lies all along.

Not too much going on in my world. Infertility can fuck off, as usual. Uni is good, less than 50 days left. I will be handing in my notice at work next month. They can join IF in fucking off. Hehe. And there's that up and coming move. Ugh, that's managed not to make the mental list lately. We'll just leave that off for now.

The worst thing that had happened all week is I accidentally scrapped the raw divot, (where my mole used to be) on my back with my bra. You talk about physical pain, this was a 10 for sure on the pain scale!!!

Lately, I've been thinking of sayings I've heard, even comments throughout my life that are actually false.

1. You have to work really hard to get what you want. False. You can strive towards goals, but lets face it shit happens in life, there's obstacles you cannot control. All you can do is give it your best shot.

2.  Karma will come back around. Pfft, I've been waiting on karma to come back around for my SIL.  Is karma going to appear centuries later?

3. "I got pregnant from a one night stand". No bitch, you didn't. I know once your AF is over you're itching to hop on the next good looking wanker you see. You don't ovulate directly after AF.

4. Good things happen to those who wait. FALSE! Bad things happen to good people (who wait a long time for disappointment) and bad people get everything handed to them.

Who the hell comes up with these sayings anyways?!

Test results (not on the POS kind)....

This is on my endocrine and digestive system test.....drumroll please.....

I got an 87% making it a "B". I'm pretty pleased with the results, as I thought it would be much worse. Phew! Next section is cardiovascular, which doesn't appear to be too daunting. I still have room to ace this course, so we shall see.

No other news, infertility wise, I seem to not care. Over time I seem to have become more numb; maybe I'll even get to the point of where it doesn't hurt emotionally anymore. Though if that time does come, I picture myself in a granny looking sweater over a medical gown, with a blank stare, and drool in the corner of my mouth...in the nutter ward. At least I won't have to look at procreation anymore. Lol.

My naughty little past

As per request...

It all started back in early uni days in 2007. I had called off the engagement to my psycho ex and remained a free woman. Of course being 21-22, in uni, me and my lady friends frequented the bar/club scene. Night after night I would watch mediocre looking men in tight Ed Hardy shirts with pit stains, hit on my friends. Sometimes my friends were buzzed and other times they were pissed. These guys would chat them up one side and down the other. Before last call, my mate would be telling me she's going home with this Ashton Kutcher wannabe and to ring her tomorrow. I watched as they would get into friends with benefits, one night stands and mope about when it ended.

Why were they upset over these average looking guys? How on earth did they snag my sober, pretty mate who has high standards and they were left sad when everything was said and done?

The next night at the club I pulled out a top that was held together by only boob tape, tight jeans, heels, and my hair wavy. My scantily clad ensemble got me free drinks, and a few numbers. Some guys wanted to leave that night, and I declined. I'll call you. The next week I contacted a sexy DJ, met once for sex is in his downstairs movie theater and snuck out in the morning. He kept texting me the next few days, until I told him I wasn't interested. I would do this every weekend, snapping up hot men and having sex with them then ditching them. If they were decent in the sack, they got to enter round 2. This went on for some time until I met the firefighter.

We had passionate sex as opposed to the emotionless (yet still fun) sex I was having with other men. I felt like we played out dirty romance novels all over my flat. It also helped he was erm, well endowed. Unfortunately, we had only had time for one go as I was moving back near my parents. We kept in contact for a while, and then it finally fizzled out when I started back up again with the fun sex.

In all honesty, I know it wasn't exactly classy of me to engage in such behavior...but I wanted to know what it was like on the other side and why exactly men do it. It became fun and rather addicting after a while, completely changing my perspective on sex and relationships. Somehow it was easier to have mindless, spontaneous sex than to engage in relationship that may or may not last. I also did it to see what sort of reaction I would get from my female and male mates. My female mates were interested in my tricks and one of my male mates (actually a best mate) looked down on me for it. Then I reminded him it's not any different than him snapping up a woman for fun.

Like anything it was fun while it lasted.

When your past comes knocking...

I have a colorful past, in fact I'd need a new blog just to relinquish all that. Instead it's best to have it stored away as memories (the good times, at least).

Well the other day, I got a text from an unrecognized number. Maybe it was Shwanda looking for her baby daddy at his other girlfriend's house. Yes, she likes to leave unnecessary, angry voice mails that aren't entirely in English. No this time, it was a blast from my sexual past.

A long time ago before marriage and infertility, I was a promiscuous (safe) young woman. I bagged firefighters (mmhmm), DJs from big cities, engineers, and a few more military men. This of course was on my terms and arrangements; I always had the upper hand. Essentially I was a naughty woman playing a man's game. Most of them would call back wanting to meet again, but I was already bored and moving on to the next guy. However I never had a guy that called many years later.

This was the firefighter, who was now actually working as a flight medic all over the US. Come to find out he's actually working close to where we live. I told him I was happily married and we laughed about the past, the time we spent together. I thought to myself this is how affairs start, but I'm grown up enough to tighten the lid on the past before it spills into my future. He said to keep in touch, and I most likely wont. Sorry Nathan, you were a good time then in my single past...but you're not a part of my future. Stay in 2008, where you belong.